“All greatness of character is dependent on individuality. The man who has no other existence than that which he partakes in common with all around him, will never have any other than an existence of mediocrity”
-James Fenimore Cooper

The other day Noah tells me this strange news…”Mom” he said cracking a smile, “Did you know the world is going to end on Saturday?” I thought thought to myself “Why didn’t I get that memo?” You’d think that would be really important information right? It must be that damned computer of mine acting up again, because it never allowed through the memo that the world was going to hell in a hand basket. (Can you tell I’ve been partying a little tonight?) Ok, so yesterday Mr. Sexy news anchor Anderson Cooper comes on and talks about the end of the world and this is what he has to say:

And of course since the dreamy Coop said it, it must be true right? Anyway, as I said in the beginning of my post, we dressed in our hooker best, and decided to document the whole thing from beginning to end. Only one problem…we were never taken up like Harold Camping said would happen. I thought for sure I was on the right track when we put on our make up, got a good buzz going and had a LOT of fun taking all the pictures. I was hoping for a little levitation, but that never happened as you can see from the photos that will follow. What did we do wrong ya’ll? Maybe I didn’t drink heavily enough to watch something float! Why do I say that? Well, because you have to be totally drunk or high to believe that God would set a date for the end of the world. Shit, even I got that memo!

We had sooooo much fun though, I must say. Thanks Uncle Jack for inspiring us to dress like hookers, drink like lushes and hope for the best! Here are some photos of our night LOL ENJOY!

My homegirl (and daughter Gina) asking the vital question of the evening.

Vicki in the first photo looking all sexy and rapturous, and in the second photo proudly displaying her rapture birds. Aren’t they so cute?

Well, in my research of some medical curiosities, I found this random link to these rather terrifying paintings that are displayed at the Denver International Airport. I was jarred at first, looking at the depictions of the death of children, Nazi imagery, flowers, dead animals, happy children, and what seemed to be this collection of life and death, hope and despair, victory and defeat. What is one supposed to think of such things when viewing such a huge piece of artwork in a place like the Denver airport? At first glance, I thought to myself “what the hell is going on here?” And then I decided to read the “interpretation” according to the conspiracy theorist who’s site I stumbled on. It was a conspiracy of hate, the devil, mass extinction and servitude the author of the blog would proclaim. I began to look more on other sites after putting “Denver airport murals” into the google image search and found that all of them had theories about prison camps located under the Denver airport, places for aliens, mason and Illuminati conspiracies, reptilian people (that one was truly funny!) and I was left with this gnawing feeling in my gut that something just didn’t seem right about all this conspiracy talk. I searched for the artist’s name and found out that this man was a celebrated artist. His name is Leo Tanguma and once I got past all the minutia about how he was paid by some “shadow government”, I decided to go his website. Mr. Tanguma has the most beautiful artwork, and what he brings out through his art is no less than the truth driven home with feeling! So often artists are misunderstood, and I guess he is no exception to that rule.

There is a saying in the bible “From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks” and this is true of those who make comments on an artists work. The saying is really true in all situations though isn’t it? If your heart is true, you’ll speak the truth, if your heart is filled with lies and deceit and fear that’s what will come out of you, if you lack compassion in your heart, it will be known by how you speak and act toward others. This is an essential truth concerning the abundance of the heart.

I’d like to take another look at some of these paintings because Leo Tanguma has poured out his heart on canvas for the world to see. Are these really a dark conspiracy to kill man kind? Or is this a record of things that have already taken place? Some want to say the images are gruesome and macabre, and to that I would say yes! it is gruesome and macabre in that war and death is nothing pretty to look at. I would have to say it took courage and conviction for Mr. Tanguma to tell the truth about war and how it devastates humanity. We have no problem saying “We will never forget” when it comes to  9/11 and show images of the trade towers before and after. Why? Because we claim we will never forget. Well what about war? When others take the lives of the innocent? Should we just brush that aside? Or shall we never forget that as well? Mr. Tanguma’s portrayal of death and carnage is a way of saying “we will never forget” what has happened. Women, children and the elderly are often the most devastated by war and violence, and I feel that he captured that beautifully.

But I guess that others can view the death, carnage and mourning in his work as a clue as to what will happen to the rest of us in the future. In that, I must give them a little credit, because as the saying goes “those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.” But to me that is where the interpretation ends. We will all subjectively see what we want to see. Some will see only the carnage and death, hidden images of the devil and aliens, and others, like myself, will see an artist who decided to spit in the face hatred and bigotry and show it for what it truly is. In his portrayal of death, Mr. Tanguma showed the utmost respect and beauty of each of his subjects, as can be seen in the first photo of the black woman. Check it out again, and look at the fact that he didn’t take away her humanity, her beauty, her suffering. Even more relevant is the fact that she is clothed in her cultural identity. Each of his subjects alive or dead have a cultural identity…something that seems to get brushed aside in our modern times. His portrayal of the masked nazi holding different weapons is also culturally relevant through the ages. He combines all the attributes of war and destruction in the garb of a killer. Whether it is the German Nazi, the Arabian saber, the flowing robes of a Catholic monk, the modern machine gun, simple aggression at the tip of a knife, handguns, gassing, they are all accounted for in the aggressor. There is one thing I found extremely clever about his work in painting the aggressor with all his “equipment”, Mr. Tanguma included a hair brush on the shoulder of the aggressor. LOL How clever of him to include this item, because to me the hair brush stands for the vanity of war.

With compassion and heartbreaking meticulous care, he showed women mourning the loss of their children, people displaced and herded off like cattle, and the sadness of what happens during war. When viewing these images, I don’t think only of the past, I think of all the women and children that are being harmed right now in these needless wars in Afghanistan and around the world.  This is what the vanity of war does to humanity. It strips us down, and for what? For resources? For power? All war is vanity. Yet conspiracy theorists act like there is no war right now, so it MUST be what is to come. Are we so impotent in thought and deed that we do not realize that the wars going on at present are our responsibility? So yes, if you want to make a theory that these paintings are about some nefarious shadow government, well you better include yourself in that little factoid you’ve contrived, because you are just as guilty for the war, death, bloodshed and genocide as those who order it. If you voted for the war or were too apathetic to realize what the wars are really about, then that painting is about YOU. Don’t go blaming others for something that you had your hand in. If you want to really make a difference, then END THE WAR. Isn’t this a democracy? Leo Tanguma implicitly shows human suffering that has happened and many don’t really see that? Incredible.

But Mr. Tanguma doesn’t stop at war, he continues on with another topic…environmental devastation. There are four paintings he’s done at the Denver airport.

Everyone will see what they want to in these paintings. I’m no different obviously. I have my own interpretation of a few very controversial images in the paintings, but I’ll keep those to myself, because as I have viewed his other work, I have come to understand why he uses certain imagery. If you check out some of his other work on his website, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

In closing, before I show the rest of his work, I want to say that I hope that his work and the beauty of his heart will not be cheapened by conspiracy theories. With love and respect he captured what has happened to humanity at the tip of a weapon. His hope for mankind is poured out into his art as he shows children of different waring countries unite and wrap up the weapons of war to end the bloodshed. The hope of humanity rests in the hearts of our little ones, and they must learn the ways of peace, not the vanity of war. If not, they and we are doomed to repeat the past.

Here are more images from the Denver airport:

The above painting has a description from Mr. Tanguma’s website:

Smaller mural – The Present State of the Environment

Humanity, represented by multi-racial children, is shocked and saddened at finding our natural world in a trampled and abused state. Surrounding the youthful group are endangered or extinct wildlife species. The bewildered children view the Snow Leopard, said to be the most beautiful of the large cats, laid out lifeless before them displaying its exquisite fur and colors. To the left, a young girl gazes at a Great Auk in a display case, a vanished species made extinct in 1844. On the right front, a young boy touches a display case containing the last of the Passenger Pigeons, a species existing in immense numbers throughout the Eastern U.S., and finally extinguished in 1914. Shown also are a harpooned Gray Whale, a Kemp’s Ridley sea turtle enmeshed in a fishing net, and a wall mounted buffalo head. Fluttering over the central scene, is an agitated Quetzal bird, with parts of a display case ominously surrounding it, as if foretelling its extinction.

Behind these central images, a fire rages, consuming a rainforest, while in the foreground we see endangered plant life, such as the Holy Ghost Orchid, from Panama, the Flower of the Gods, South Africa and others. In the immediate foreground are three concrete coffins, each containing a young girl clutching cultural articles. These three girls symbolize our own humanity as victims of our self destruction, notably through war, slavery, genocide, exploitation and violence of all kind.

This second mural also has a description from his website:

Larger mural – A Hopeful Future in which Humanity Rehabilitates the Environment

On this mural, I depict humanity, represented by children of the world arrayed in national or folkloric costumes. They move from both ends towards the center, and are shown smiling optimistically as they strive to rehabilitate our natural environment. On the background to this jubilant procession, are depicted various temperate zones of our planet beginning, on the extreme left with the ocean, temperate forests, frigid, tropical rainforest, and desert.
These “zones” are pictorially described with relevant geographical features, as well as wildlife indigenous to those regions. For example, the Quetzal bird signifies tropical rain or cloud forests, while the Snow Leopard is representative of frigid mountainous environments. Moreover, these different zones are shown as robust and healthy, as are the various wildlife species depicted. This portrayal is confluent with the ideal of a rehabilitated natural environment resplendent in all its beauty.

The elated children, in the colorful and lively costumes of thirty-two nations, move happily to where a special and unique flowering plant is about to be placed in the soil. This flower, its radiating leaves reflecting all the colors of the rainbow, reveal within its folds the configuration of a small white dove (reminiscent of the Holy Ghost Orchid). With this image, I sought to symbolize a new appreciation of our environment as a spiritual as well as a physical entity, a precious and delicate domain entrusted to our care.

How will the economic collapse of the dollar affect you personally? Have you invested in silver and gold as your “backup plan” or is it just a way to diversify your portfolios? What would happen if that gold and silver was confiscated by the government, as can be done in a TIME OF WAR? What would you do then? My point is that paper money can not feed or care for you and neither can gold and silver. Huh? What was that you say? Well, haven’t you ever heard the expression “money doesn’t grow on trees”? I’m sure all of you have. What good is gold and silver if there is no food to eat? If you can’t go out and buy it? You’d have to hoard food now for any impending crisis, and for how long do you believe that will last you? It won’t last. It will spoil or rot, unless its canned foods. Gold and silver can definitely pay to keep the electric on, pay for gas, and other utilities, but for how long? What happens in the event of social collapse and the major infrastructure of your town or city is no longer functioning correctly? How will silver and gold help that little predicament? It can’t. My point is that silver and gold, while important and valuable is not the end all-be-all for making it through an economic and social breakdown. Anyone that does have a portfolio knows that you never put all your “eggs” in one basket, and the same is true with gold and silver.

So what else can you invest in? Invest in purchasing and planting fruit trees and learn how to grow food in a sustainable way. The investment in all kinds of fruit trees, vegetables, grains, nuts, and livestock will create real food not only for you and your family, but for your community. It is an actual commodity that others can not live without. Investing in your own fruit trees, nut trees, veggies, grains and livestock also creates an increasing yield each year if managed properly. I know that when these kinds of questions about surviving come up, the first thing we think of is Y2K. Everyone who believed that our world was going to hell in a hand basket started building bunkers and hoarding food for when the collapse happened…it never did happen. Hoarding food and gold and silver is not the answer. It just perpetuates the same problems over and over. Why? Because people have not learned how to actually grow good food…to get down upon your knees and plant some seeds. Growing food is not a method of survival…it is a way to thrive regardless of the economy. It creates a firm foundation in which you can assist others in learning how to thrive as well. Our economy is consumer based and not product based, and in order to begin to reverse this trend, we will need to start getting on our knees and actually produce things of real value. One seed can produce and produce, year after year, and without getting into the politics of big pharma genetically engineering and patenting seeds NOT to produce, buy organic seeds and watch those seeds perform endlessly. A $2.50 package of organic seed will provide a yield where you will no longer ever have to buy that kind of seed or fruit or veggie again. $2.50 investment and never have to pay for another zuccini, tomato, watermelon, wheat product, rice, and anything else that can be grown in the ground. Purchase an organic fruit tree for $25.00 and that tree will bear you fruit each year for that one time investment. $25.00 and never have to pay for another apple, pear, plum, peach or what ever else will grow in your region. It seems such a small investment, but few do it. How about owning chickens and never having to pay for another egg or poultry product? Some may say “I don’t have enough land” but to that I say, do a little homework and research and you will find out that you can in fact grow a huge amount of food on a very small plot of land. It also gives you the opportunity to create community gardens. We have just forgotten or haven’t been taught in the first place to grow things. Its either a novelty, or a “lower occupation”, which has been taken advantage of by big corporations.

If it takes a good three years for fruit trees to produce from the time you plant them, why not start now? Even if there is no economic collapse or social unrest? The least you will be doing is utilizing your hard earned (almost worthless) dollar on something else you may want after planting some real products. I have a dream which is becoming a reality for me and my family, the dream of thriving and producing something of real value that not only helps to create stability to us, but to our community that surrounds us as well.

One of the things I find repugnant are actions of well meaning people here and abroad that believe that they are the saviors of others by providing goods to developing and/or impoverished nations. What will happen to them in the event of our own economic and social collapse? Will we actually be traveling to those distant exotic lands to put store bought goods into their bellies, and claim we are helping them? We can’t help them unless we teach them to grow their own food, show them how to get access to clean water, and when we stop making them think that they should be thankful to us for the handouts. Because you know what?? they won’t be thankful when you don’t come anymore. They will think they have been abandoned. We will never truly help others until we learn how to put the tools in their hands (and our own!) that will fight poverty. Learning to grow food and share the surplus. Honestly, in an economic crisis, are you really going to be concerned with the well being of starving people thousands of miles away? I AM! I’m concerned that we have made them dependent on our way of life which, if we open our eyes, is in danger of extinction. In the end, I believe that those in poverty has been defrauded of what they really need. They need to know how to care for themselves, and instead they have been enslaved by many well meaning people who think candy, bread, pasta and other commodities (even medicines) will help them out of their plight. How many have gone oversees and taken pictures with these poor people, holding and cuddling their babies? And how many took a picture with these people while working along side them in a field, teaching them how to be self sufficient…not just to survive, but to THRIVE? They hang around the cities, pour loads and loads of food, clothes and other products into their laps and then leave at the end of the week. Yes I’m ranting about this…well I’m railing on this topic, because when we can NO LONGER provide these kinds of services what will happen? What? Out of sight out of mind? Will we really even care? Or will we say “I did the best I could, now I have to take care of my family. I can’t afford the trip to that distant land to bring candy and toys to these “poor” children I need to find a way to provide candy and toys for my own.” I know that some (or a majority) of people will take offense to what I’ve said, but that is the truth, hard and cold. I’m sorry to burst the “good will” bubble and self congratulating attitude of those who think they are doing good, but unfortunately all you have done is create an even longer slow death of these indigenous cultures, who for thousands of years were able to create their own medicines, clothing, goods and services. We have globalization to thank for that one. It is a slow and painful death which we bring to these people, and in the end, bring upon ourselves if we do not begin to make a change.

Why is the American Dream to own a home, have a couple cars, a couple of kids that go to college, and to keep buying shit? Why is that the American Dream? Its more like the American Nightmare, from which we will not be waking up anytime soon. The American Dream should be about freedom and independence, but we are neither free nor independent. We think we are because we have money in the bank and we have a job. But as we can see over the last few years, more people are losing their homes, their jobs, even their families. We think “this can’t happen to me”, but it can. I have had this throbbing ache in the back of my head since the year 2001, and I remember thinking back then how much better it would be if we knew how to grow things, live off the land and live in a new way. Ten years later, we are on road to making our dream an actual reality. Back then the only talk in circulation happened before the year 2000 with the Y2K event, and I was not worried about that in the least.

My American Dream is to be able to grow fresh fruits and veggies, livestock, honey, grains and to be able to pass this knowledge on to my children and my children’s children. There is so much information out there on how to grow fruits and veggies naturally without the use of fertilizers and pesticides. Ways of caring for animals that’s simple. How far we have strayed from real knowledge. We go to college to get a degree, but what will that piece of paper do for you if you can’t get a decent job? Worse yet, what if you already have a great job that pays quite well, but all your bills and mortgage keep you tied to that job and POOF! your job is gone because you are expendable? What then? How do you feed your family? How do you care for your community? What true worth is there in money? Even gold and silver? We all need to eat, yet the knowledge to actually produce our own food is quite limited or non existent for the average person. Utilize the internet to learn how to produce real products that will help your family and community.

To summarize my long winded rant, don’t hold on to tightly to that money, gold or silver that you believe will save you or at least get you through. Unless you own your home outright, it is not an asset, but a liability. If you pay a mortgage, it is a liability until you own it outright. An asset pays you! What are your real assets right now? If the housing market continues to decline as it has, you won’t be able to even sell it and break even. We are just getting started on our road to freedom and independence, and this spring will begin our investment into an agrarian life. Our home is owned outright, so no mortgage, but for those who do have a mortgage, start investing fruit trees and other real products onto that land, so that your liability will start to become an asset for you. Let your land pay you back! It could in the end guard your greatest investment (your house) from foreclosure. If we are not headed for an economic collapse, then you can go into your yard and smile as you pick fresh fruits and vegetables for your family to enjoy before going on that long awaited vacation you’ve been saving a year to go on. I’m not against buying things, raising the standard of living and enjoying the finer things in life, but just as you “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” when it comes to saving and investing, you have literally put them all in one basket because one crucial element has been neglected…sowing and harvesting of real products.

Here are a few videos that I feel should alarm everyone:

Some may think, “what the fuck is the big deal? who cares woman! as long as we are safe!” Really? You think that is what keeps us safe? It doesn’t! As a matter of fact, we are more unsafe now because of such things. Why are we less safe? Well, lets start with the fact that we have NO PRIVACY! That’s right, no privacy, it is taken from us. How can a person feel safe if their very privacy has been violated? Ok so that’s not so bad right? You can always Opt Out of having that screening, and then ‘thank god’ all you have to do now is go through the enhanced pat down! Oh that makes me feel REALLY SAFE! It will make me feel extra secure knowing that if I opt out of the screening, that someone can molest me instead! Gee I feel so much better knowing that! Bullshit. Major bullshit, hot, steaming and smelling to the high heavens. But what if you wanted to opt out of both the advanced screening AND the pat down? Oh, well at the discretion of the TSA they can file a civil suit against you up to $11,000 for not cooperating as well as denying you the right to fly, even though you already paid for that ticket! That makes me feel SUPER safe, how about you? Don’t you see? You have no safety. There is no guarantee that these machines will keep us safe. Its a false sense of security. The only thing that these machines have done is line the pockets of those who sold them. That’s it.

Maybe it comes down to the voyeuristic nation that we have become. Personally I find it very creepy that others would be looking at me at the airport or groping me. Then again, that’s just me. I’m not fond of others watching me as though I were some sort of lab rat, or better yet as though I were a terrorist. LOL What’s the difference between the TSA stating that these things need to be done to us and to our children, and a pedophile in a car with an injured puppy asking a child for their help? To me, there is none! I’m sorry to have such strong opinion about these things (no I’m not sorry), but pedophilia is pedophilia whether it’s done by some disgusting deviant on the street that just got out of jail, or by a TSA officer touching my minor child or looking at his or her naked body. No DIFFERENCE! It is sexual assault, especially if you are not given a choice. What are your choices? Don’t fly. LOL Then that is the ONLY way you can maintain your safety 100%.

Join National Opt Out Day

Here are a few videos I thought would be good to watch:

I don’t have anything good to say about my mother, unfortunately, because I didn’t know her. I can’t make up some bogus feelings to get all mushy and gushy since she died, but needless to say, I’m very happy that she arrived in the mail. That sounded so strange didn’t it? Yes, my mom arrived today in a box along with her death certificate. I can’t go back and rewrite my relationship with her, nor can I deny the hurt she has caused to myself and siblings, but I can now say that she is finally resting and at peace. I forgave my mother a very long time ago for all the ways she hurt me and my siblings, and I truly wished her no ill will through out her life.

My mother never got to meet my children, experience the beauty of their souls, get to know each of them or even look into their eyes. I’ve shared with my children when they were old enough to understand, the kind of life my mother chose for herself. There is nothing to be ashamed of on my part in sharing who their grandmother was. I’m not ashamed of my mother for being a heroin addict and prostitute, or for all the time she has spent in prison. No, there is nothing to be ashamed of, and I want my children to understand that each person gets to choose for themselves the kind of life they want to live. Some feel they are trapped by circumstances, others want to be victims, but as for my mother, I choose to believe that while she was an addict, she lived her life to the fullest that she could.

After her death, I talked to a man who shared his life with her over the past 15 or more years. I’m fuzzy on the exact amount of time they were together, but I must say that the only time I cried after my mother’s death was while speaking to her partner. This man loved my mother with all that was in him. His heart was broken in a million pieces when he awoke to find my mother had passed away as she slept next to him. He loved her. My heart broke for him and I couldn’t help but grieve with him. Yet I had no feelings of my own concerning her death at that time. I accept that I feel this way…at least it’s honest.

I emailed my brother today to thank him for sending mom to me in the mail (still sounds so bizarre!) and he wrote me back to tell me that after he had sent some of my mom’s ashes to her partner and after receiving them, he died…it was as if he refused to die (he had an advanced form of cancer) until she was in his hands. His wishes where that they be buried together in a plot he already had. He got his wish, and now he too is resting and at peace buried with the woman he loved with all that was in him.

The feelings I have now concerning my mother’s death, is that I finally have a part of her that I can keep with us. Her ashes will be divided into several different parts, and she will be buried in the earth beneath different fruit trees on our property. Some ashes will be reserved and sealed and I will be taking them with me to Israel to bury her in Hebron. The significance of planting her beneath fruit trees is profound to me; although I never got to experience my mother as a nurturing and loving soul, filled with wisdom, understanding, strength and dignity, I know that in her death, she will nourish many of the fruit trees we will be planting on our property, provide fruit in season, shade in the summer, branches for birds and other animals to dwell in, sing to us on windy days as the leaves from the trees gently whisper a soulful tune, grace us with the sweetest of fragrance in spring time as blossoms perfume the air, and as the fruit set and ripen, the most deliciously sweet fruit you will ever taste will enter your mouth and quite possibly even your soul. This is the beauty of a fruit tree, this shall be how I choose to honor my mother.

We got to the school, and I was impressed with the school staff, the building and also what they had to offer Noah in terms of being in the gifted and talented program. I truly think that he had visions of being in some hot trailer out on the mesa somewhere near a shanty town of some sort. Not true. It was a very nice school.

As I write this, Noah is busy getting ready to go. Today will be an “off day” for him and many other new students who will be sitting in the guidance counselor’s office awaiting their schedule. Noah’s biggest fear was being in classes that don’t challenge him since he is an advanced student, excelling in every class he takes. The guidance counselor was able to relieve those fears when she told him that she would place him in pre-AP courses. I know that he felt better about that.

I’ll miss having him here during the day! He is such a great kid. While many parents celebrate the first day of school because their kids drove them crazy all summer, I’ll be singing a dirge.

*just a little side note…

In the pictures I posted of Noah, you can see all the big ass green tumble weeds. He and my husband have been busy removing all of them. Tumble weeds set seed with their prickly seed getting into everything. As those seeds fall to the ground, we pick them up on the bottom of our shoes and actually end up tracking them into the house! If you’ve never had one of these things stuck in your foot, I can liken it to stepping on a sharp tack! The secret is to remove them before they set seed, and hopefully each year the amount of tumble weeds decrease.

I see such a restlessness in others and I often wonder why they can’t sit still. By “others” I just mean people that I may see out on the street, in a blog or in the news. (This restlessness I see has nothing to do with those whom I may be intimately involved, like my children, husband or close friends.)  It’s like these people are so tightly bound inside that they can’t be free enough to just be still. To sit and appreciate their lives or those around them. It’s a restless malice and a need to blame everyone around them. There is a lack of contentment that causes them to want more and more from others. Whether its material goods, even though they have more than enough, or emotional demands that leave others feeling less than perfect. Why is there such ugliness and malcontent? So much anger covered over with a smile and a wicked deed made to look innocent and pure? Most don’t even know why they do it, but its like a drug for which they are hopelessly addicted. Malcontent. Anger. Deception. Placing blame on others. “My life is so horrible because so and so hurt me and I can’t get over it.” Let me tell you a little bit about that statement made by people the world over. Even I have fallen victim to such thoughts and actions in the past, and what I’ve learned is that such statements are merely an excuse for bad behavior and a lack of accountability. If a person would like to blame their hangups on past hurts, and then direct misplaced anger on an innocent person, all they need to say is “I can’t help it, I was hurt in the past and I have a hard time trusting others now.” What a crock of bullshit! Anytime such a statement is made they are not only lying to themselves but to everyone around them. They will also say “I can’t forgive so and so for what they did to me.” Really? You can’t forgive? You want to be forgiven if another was offended by something you did, but you can’t forgive? No…that’s the diving board from which a person takes a plunge off into the deep end of bad behavior and treating others like shit. “I can’t forgive someone who hurt me ten years ago, so I’m going to treat this totally new person in my life like shit because of it.” That makes no sense at all. It is nothing more than a way to excuse and justify your bad form.

It should be so crystal clear that such people who think they can get off the hook by stating “I can’t help being this way because I’ve been so hurt in the past” that these people are toxic human beings, incapable of true love or compassion. Narcissistic people are never truly concerned about those around them, just how everything is going to affect them personally. Even upon reading this blog entry, I’m sure that there will be those who do think and act with malcontent who will actually believe that I have written this with them in mind. Like it is a personal attack. Nope…not at all, I’m just here to say that its not so hidden and you can’t get off the hook so easily when it comes to your behavior.

These malcontents are not victims, but perpetrators who cannot seem to break the cycle of hurting others. Even though they know what it’s like to be hurt, they continue to hurt others ruthlessly. It’s an underhanded sneaky kind of ruthlessness usually covered over with some “good deed.” Why not just be forthrightly cruel so the real victim can make a choice as to whether they want to continue to be in relationship? The reason is, if a person can be underhanded and cover their tracks, when another figures out what they are doing, that perpetrator can say “how can you say such things after all I’ve done for you! What’s wrong with you? You are ungrateful, mean, and all I’m trying to do is love you.” Yeah, that sounds like love right?

So what’s the M.O. of these people? Their reputation is above all the most important thing. They need to look some what important yet act like they don’t care what others think. They are often involved in philanthropy of some sort, but will not truly give to their own families. They are kinder to strangers and those in need rather than those around them. They are always on the go, always moving around and looking like they are so busy. They make statements like “I don’t do anything for approval” or “I just want to reach out and help all the little children in the world” while not attending to their own children. Status is important, and acquiring things is extremely important. These people not only collect “things” but also other people. They look generous but they are very greedy. Nothing is ever given as a real gift, but has an emotional payment attached. They will use the word “misunderstanding” a lot, and nit pick at other people’s tiny imperfections.

How does a perpetrator free him or herself from the bonds of such sadistic behavior? They must forgive others and themselves. Forgiveness actually has nothing to do with letting the offending person off the hook. It is about freeing yourself from need to hate, to be angry, to be hurt and lead an unproductive life. Life is so precious, and shouldn’t be consumed with an unforgiving nature. Being unforgiving ages a person beyond their years, and it takes its toll on everyone around them. Forgiveness is freedom in disguise and it is the secret to contentment and enjoyment of others around us.

Some believe that they can’t forgive. What happened to them in the past was so horrible that forgiveness is not an option. Forgiveness is the only option if you ever want to find true peace, love, contentment and happiness.

Give forgiveness a chance.

Our family has dreams of starting a homestead…that much is clear, but where? Where do we settle down? We found some land out in the Parajito Mesa and we just fell in love with it. There’s a catch though. The property is landlocked! When we called the realtor back to tell her we were interested, she told me this:

“You can purchase the land, but you can’t live on it legally.” Huh? “Why?” I asked. She stated that the Parajito Mesa is a part of a land scam from many years ago, and the developer never mapped out the plots of land correctly or put in the necessary roads. Basically all of the Parajito land is private, and in order for us to purchase a plot of land, we would need to create access. But from where? There are no legal easements and no legal street address. We would have to plow a road right through someone’s property to access ours. Obviously that isn’t a great idea, nor is it good for having a decent relationship with our neighbors.

The Parajito Mesa is home to about 400 families. As I did some research on it, what I found was heartbreaking. It made me actually want to move there despite the fact that it is illegal. Would we put our family at risk by doing that? Nope. So I had to think of a different way. If we were to live out there, we wouldn’t be able to get mail, be able give a legal change of address, update information on drivers license or other important documents and my grand daughter wouldn’t be able to get her much needed Medicaid. So why do I want to be out there so bad? For me, it has to do with three things I see…the disenfranchised, social justice and environmental justice. These three things are huge, and as time goes by, dreams can become diminished and finally replaced with despair. Does it have to be that way though? It seems as though they are forgotten and left out there to just exist or die. I’m unsure why the burden in my heart is so heavy for these families, but it is there none the less. I guess my thought is that the people on Parajito Mesa have an opportunity to make their own homesteads if they wanted. I believe that any family that is willing to make their lives better should have access to the tools and knowledge that would make that life an actual reality.

What can we do? How can we help? I believe that if we were to purchase a house with some land near the Parajito Mesa, we could begin to open up our home to those who would seek something more for their families. As we build our homestead in that region, others who are interested could come along side of us, learning the principles of water harvesting, earthworks and permaculture and bring that back to their own land and begin incorporating those techniques and principles. I don’t have any visions of grandeur, just a simple desire to help those who want help.

Most of the families out there are on ten acres of land each. How much food can grow on ten acres? I say that rhetorically, because even an 1/8 of an acre can be intensely gardened to produce thousands of pounds of food per year. They each have way more than an 1/8 of an acre which makes it possible to grow many different kinds of fruit trees, acres to grow grains, agave, and so many other types of fruits and veggies. Is the lack of water the problem? If they are conventional farmers, yes. But I believe if they begin to understand how earthworks and water harvesting principles work, they will be able to actually cultivate their land, build their soil and create something absolutely stunning. They are worth it, don’t you think?

If there are any permaculturalists in the area looking for a worthy cause to donate your time and talent, you can contact me by filling out the form on my Contact page. I would love to hear from you.

Here is a video I found on youtube about the Parajito Mesa:

Not getting any better on the steriods, I saw my primary physician and he listened to my lungs. “Yup, you have pneumonia” he said, and he prescribed me the proper antibiotics as well as more Advair and also Singulair. During that time he also ran some blood work on me, and my thyroid came back low.

Since then, the antibiotics have done there job, and the medication I’m on for hypothyroid is really helping to get me back on track. I don’t feel like an old woman any more, and I feel my brain starting to function as it used to. I’m a little more sharp, a little more sassy and I look forward to the day when everything goes back to normal for me. I know recovering from pneumonia takes a while, but so does having a hypothyroid. I’m taking it day by day and moment by moment. The best part of it all is that the depression is totally gone. I beat myself up for a while there wondering why I couldn’t snap out of the funk I was in. I was never the type of person to become depressed or beat myself up emotionally. I’m glad those chains have been broken, and that the little butterfly gland known as my thyroid is starting to get the help it needs!

Bald Beauty of the Day

I thought I might amuse you all this holiday season with a few other JibJab creations…ENJOY!

Oh, and one more because I LOVE Weird AL!

Have a very safe and awesome Holiday!

When we go out there is always a set of eyes on Simmi. Whether it is me, Dom or one of my kids, someone is always watching. We arrived at my son’s appointment and Simmi was running around being her cute self. My son Noah was faithfully keeping an eye on her as I filled out the paperwork for his visit. I was unprepared for the events that transpired shortly before Noah went in to the examining room. You see, I let my guard down. Whenever we enter a store or anywhere unfamiliar, I always scan the place with my eyes looking for that “thing” that could cause Simmi harm or death. I didn’t scan the doctor’s office. We walked into that office, I got the paperwork and just started writing. If it wasn’t for Noah’s loving attention to detail, our situation may be quite different. Neither Noah nor myself noticed that there was a vending machine located in the corner of the waiting room. It was the kind that dispenses candy when you put in a quarter, you turn the lever and grab the candy by the handful. This thing was filled with three different types of candy, one of which was Peanut M&M’s. Simone had wandered over to that machine which had a few M&M’s sitting in the tray just begging to be picked up and tasted! Who was she to argue with the small roundish brightly colored object? She’s never even seen a Peanut M&M before. Noah had turned around for just a second to look my way and when he turned back to watch Simmi, he noticed that she had something brightly colored in her hand AND she was just about to put it in her mouth. He ran across the room as fast as he could and his quick movements caused me to look up to see what was going on. I looked on in horror as he removed the peanut M&M from her hand and threw it in the garbage. At that point I quickly got up and started to walk across the waiting room…but this little toddler of mine was quick! Before I even got to her, she spotted another M&M on the floor and picked that one up too! I was in panic mode. Both times she picked up the candy with her left hand, so I grabbed her and held on to her left hand so she wouldn’t touch any part of her body or put her hand in her mouth. Now the receptionists were staring at us trying to make heads or tails of the events unfolding before their eyes. I rattled off to them all her food allergies and asked for the bathroom so I could wash her hands, but when I got into the bathroom, there was a pump container filled with liquid soap. Still holding her and now also trying to read the ingredients on the back of the soap container, one word stood out in the ingredients “Cocamidopropyl betaine” which comes from Coconut oil. Normally we wouldn’t be concerned with this product since she used to eat quite a bit of coconut oil, but after she had a violent reaction to coconut oil last weekend and because she is now highly allergic to tree nuts, I could not expose her to the soap! All of this was happening so fast that I wonder how I was even able to think properly. I quickly came out of the bathroom and asked Noah to get her wipes out of the diaper bag. I must have used five wipes just on her one hand. Was I over reacting? I had regret racing through my heart, and I was inwardly chastising myself for ever letting down my guard. I wiped off her hands…and mind you, this is all taking place in a matter of three minutes (it felt like an hour!) and all the sudden out comes the welts. She starts scratching her left hand and now she has a bright red rash traveling up her hand and arm. I alert the receptionist that I need Benadryl and I’m kicking myself in the pants now for NOT putting it in her diaper bag the one time we needed it most! Does the receptionist bring me benadryl? NOPE, she brings me cortisone because they don’t have any Benadryl available. I could have gotten mad at her, after all it is a doctor’s office…but I was super angry at myself for not taking the proper precautions in the first place. All I could do was hope that it was just a rash that she would get and stay armed with Epi-pen in hand. The rash traveled up her arm and before the end of ten minutes she was covered from head to toe in a raised red rash. All I could do was look at her like she was a bizarre science experiment. I felt helpless and so unbelievably guilty. We left the doctor’s office, I drove Noah to school and when we got home Simmi ran straight for her room saying “ba ba” “ba ba”. I tried to give her Benadryl but of course she is totally freaking out and screaming if I try to get it into her. It spills all over the place with only a very small amount actually swallowed. She fell asleep in less than five minutes and I sat in the dining room with the monitor turned up as high as it would go just so I could listen to her breathing. Simmi was so exhausted she slept from 11:30am to 4:30pm. I sat with the “shouda, coulda, woulda’s” running through my head.

After she awoke from her long nap, I went in to examine her body and the rash was still there, but so where a few other things that I haven’t seen since she had a severe reaction last year…purple little spots on her chest which happens when she has a severe allergic reaction. She’s OK now, but all that day and into the night Dom and I sat there staring at each other, reminded of just how serious her allergies are. We started going over action plans again, discussing the new things that can’t be brought into the house like Duralogs for the fireplace (they contain nut shells), or real pine wood because of her allergy to pine. It feels like our world is closing in around us as we must continue to do things that will safe guard her well being. Our home has now become completely food allergen free as well. We do not bring anything into the house that contains peanuts (that was always a rule), wheat, milk, soy, eggs or tree nuts. At her allergy appointment when we got the results back from her RAST, we realized that there is a good possibility that even cooking foods that contain the things she is allergic to, could be breathed in by her and caused her levels to increase to an alarmingly high level.

With her speech and vision problems complicating things more, we are hopeful that in time she will be able to communicate with us and let us know when she is starting to feel some sort of reaction coming. All I can do at this point is learn from that experience and always stay on guard and alert without making her feel like the world is a dangerous and unsafe place to live in.

Here are some photos I took of her after her first rash from our dog. Three days after those photos were taken, the outer skin on her nipples started to fall off:

Before I talk about my hair woes, I wanted to put a picture up I created of me and Eric. I am a HUGE True Blood fan, and I’m really mad that HBO has been keeping me in suspense since I missed the last three episodes of the second season! It feels like its taking forever for them to just get through that first season of reruns. Anyway, Eric is one of my favorite characters from the show and I am posting this picture for my own absolute enjoyment. LOL

OK, Over the last month my hair loss has seemed to go into remission again. I say that with hesitation because it typically takes about six months to know for sure a person with alopecia is in remission. After keeping the swamp cooler off for three months, my circled patches started to grow back in and my hair started to fill out. Its coming in quite nicely again, with very little permanent loss. After shaving it off about three months ago, I had it in my mind to never try and grow my hair out again. It will never look or feel the same as it used to and it would be necessary for me to get some sort of hair system to make my hair look semi normal. I’m not into hair systems or toppers, and I only wanted to get a wig for days that I felt like mixing it up a bit. So why am I growing it back this time around? Well, about a month ago my scalp started hurting very bad. As I’d bic it, it felt like the razor was dulling with each stroke against the scalp. By the time I’d be done shaving it, my head felt like it was on fire and I’d end up nicking my scalp pretty bad. I don’t need any new interesting designs on my beautiful bald head due to razor scars! So I laid off the razor for awhile. As November came and went, it perplexed me as to why my razor would dull so bad and my head hurt like a million needles were being pierced through it.

One of the lovely side affects for some individuals living with Alopecia Areata (in its many forms) is the possibility of growing what looks like translucent hairs. To the ‘lucky’ people that have to deal with this strange phenomenon it is almost surreal to view. Guess who has these hairs growing in? Yup, yours truly. It isn’t a pleasant experience for me to feel them coming through my scalp, nor is it any comfort to feel them on my head. You see, they are like hard plastic strands of see-through hair. Ever hear of see-through hair? They shimmer when light is cast on them…they feel like freshly laid astro turf! There is nothing soft or pleasing, feeling hair you can’t even see. And these rogue hairs are dangerous too! I’d like to share an unbelievably true story that takes place in my bedroom just a few short weeks ago:

Picture this…it’s nightfall and all is well in our house. I settle into bed and Dom comes in the room and is walking around barefoot. All of the sudden, he starts to limp. “Ouch!” He exclaims as he makes his way over to the light so that he may better view the “thing” that has pierced his foot. He looks but doesn’t see anything. Then he says to me “Can you look to see what’s stuck in the bottom of my foot? I think there’s glass in there!” He limps over to me and puts his foot up on my lap. I look and look, and at first I didn’t see anything. I moved his foot closer to the light and I said “Yes! You do have something in your foot.” It was glass like in appearance but thin. I reached to pull it out, and I realized that it was one of those damn rogue translucent hairs! Oh-My-God! It went half way into his foot. I pulled it out and said “Its one of my HAIRS!” He said “No!” and I gave it to him so he could see for himself. My translucent hair is like shards of glass piercing my lover’s foot. How bizarre is that? Now imagine if my hair can do that to the tough underside of a man’s foot, what is it doing to my scalp?

At that point I realized why the blade was dulling on my razor so quickly too. You try shaving something that feels like thick hard plastic strands and see how far you get! The thickness of these hairs is also not the same as my regular hair…its thicker! I’ll be laying off the razor for a while until I don’t have any more pain, but I’m going to have to find either a very sharp industrial blade, or let it grow. I don’t even know how well an electric shaver would work at this point. I love being completely bald, but I can’t risk at this point damaging the skin on my scalp either.

The other issue I have with my hair now is that with these translucent hairs coming in, it looks like I have less hair than I really do. I can’t use conventional hair dyes because they trigger my autoimmune response and they don’t grab the white hair (another lovely part of alopecia) very well. I’ll have to try a henna dye in a dark brown. I’m unsure whether the white hair and the translucent hair would hold color with henna though. I know it would work for my gray hair (I have plenty of those!). I guess all I can do is try huh?

Bald Beauty of the Day

We’ve been here in New Mexico for one year now, and I must say I truly love The Land of Enchantment. I took a trip this past weekend back to New Jersey and I couldn’t wait to get my ass out of there and on a plane back home. There were only four things great about that trip and it had NOTHING to do with being in The Garden State! I got to visit with my daughter, spend some travel time with my son (who came with me to NJ), I got to meet up with a good friend of mine and spent some time with my dad. That’s it! Beyond those things, there was absolutely nothing redeeming about being there. My patience and tolerance (this past weekend) of extremely self serving people is wearing extremely thin (of course I’m being cryptic again!) and I find I now blame myself for creating any assumptions of decency in these types of people…there really is no decency at this point. I really kick myself in the ass for wanting to believe that certain people I’m in contact with are generally good in nature, when in fact I merely allowed the illusion of them being “good” to cloud the truth of the matter…they are self serving, ego-vested, mean people to the core of their being, and no matter how much they want to cover that up with “appearances” they will always have to live with who they are! The experience of my shattered assumptions was enough to make me sick to my stomach. Not because they made me sick in the least, but because I allowed such “good assumptions” to exist in the first place. What does that make me? A sucker? Yup, I’m a sucker! I duped myself into believing things that were only half truths and partial realities. BLAAAA! Introspection is a bitch. But I’ve learned some very valuable lessons about myself and I feel I’ve grown quite a bit as a result of it. That was just a little update on my own emotional state of affairs. Now I’d like to switch gears and tell you all about something I’m pretty excited about:

I’ve been busy building a new social network that I just launched. It is a Network for families with disabilities. I announced the launch on my other blog site Loving Simone, but I’ll also copy it here.

In March 09′ I created “Loving Simone” as a way to reach out to others who may be struggling with the same types of health and neurological issues Simmi is faced with. I also joined several different message boards, groups, listserv’s, as well as social networks trying to get a handle on what was happening to Simone. What I found were some of the most generous and beautiful families struggling to give their disabled children a better life. What I also discovered was that all of us are so scattered across the internet in little micro groups and categories without any place to connect us all.

There are parents out there that may have children suffering with a single food allergy and others on the other end of the spectrum holding on for dear life as their child struggles to live just one more day. No matter how mild or severe the problems are, we need to gather strength from one another and blaze forward in search of the answers that we seek. I believe that The Sensitive Souls Network can be a tool in connecting us with one another easily. I created this Network to be a stepping stone to providing a better quality of life not only for my own grand daughter, but also for all children suffering with a disability.

Reaching out to parents who may have a child with problems but is undiagnosed is another important goal that is very close to my heart. Parents often feel very alone as they take their child from one doctor to the next trying to figure out what is wrong with him or her. It’s frustrating to say the least, and when a child doesn’t fit into any one diagnosis OR has multiple unrelated health problems, parents can feel “left for dead.” I want this Network to be a place of comfort as well as a way to receive much needed resources, wisdom from experienced parents, and a place to grieve if necessary.

I was going to wait till the new year to launch The Sensitive Souls Network, but as I thought about it, I realized that this Network will always be a work in progress with new things to be added daily. The site is kind of empty right now and I still have a lot of resources and information to add, but I would like to open it up and invite you all to become members. Its free to join.

Here are some of the features I put in place, and there are more to come in the future:

• Personal profile page- You can set up your profile to let others know who you and your child are
• Blog- Blog as little or as much as you’d like. The thing I love about this feature is that it can help chronicle your life and keep everyone updated about how your child is doing (or you). I’m a part of a few different message boards, and when others inquire about Simmi, it can become frustrating to try and retell a story over and over. With your own blog on the Network, you’ll be able to write it once and then refer others to your blog about what’s happening so you won’t have to retell a story multiple times.
• Groups- You’ll be able to create your own groups and/or join an existing group.
• Forum- I’ll be adding the Forum in the next few weeks
• Video chat- You can start a private video chat with other members or simply instant message them
• Add photos and videos

Here are some things still to come and in the works:

• Resources
• Main chat room
• Facebook application- you’ll be able to keep your peeps on Facebook up to date with your latest blogs as well as signing in to the Network through Facebook
• Lots more!

As I said earlier, the Network is a work in progress. I value feedback and suggestions! If you have a link, resources or information that you feel would help add to the site, leave a comment on my profile page or send me a private message there.

http://www.sensitivesoulsnetwork.com

Thanks for reading!

I’ve asked some friends to give me some ideas for new articles and I have a few leads on things I’d like to write about, but I need MORE! I need new life breathed into my half dead brain. Give me your suggestions! What would you like to read about? Something funny? Controversial? Sad? Politics?  I need some inspiration! In my long absence from the blogging world I came to find out that one of my favorite bloggers is no longer around! Is it something in the water? Where the hell did you go John Savo?

Next month will be my one year anniversary of having a blog, and I don’t want this entry to be the only one available to read! How pathetic.