Uncertainty Grips My Soul

I have been keeping busy over the last few days making changes to my blog, tending to family needs, and feeling crushed under weight of uncertainty. At times I feel as though I can not breathe, and I find my mind going blank as my soul screams out.

My husband dropped a bomb on me a few days ago and I have been filled with anger and disbelief; expressionless sorrow. He called to tell me that our landlady is going to sell the house that we just moved in to. What? How could this be? Before we signed the lease and moved in, we told her father (who has power of attorney on the property) that our intentions were to stay for a long time because we are not in a position to purchase a home. The house is in need of a lot of TLC, and we were prepared to do the work necessary to make it suitable for Simmi. About two weeks after we moved into the house, the landlady’s father had four massive strokes. He was our advocate, and the one who assured us that we would be able to live here for an extended period of time. Now he is fragile and weak, barely able to speak. He needs physical therapy for his hand skills as well. So what does all this have to do with the uncertainty that grips my soul? Well, the landlady wants to put the house on the market so she can purchase a house for her family. She needs the money from the sale of our home to make that possible. Where do we go now? We just moved in here! There is a part of me that completely understands that she needs to take care of her family, but there is another part of me that feels irrational and wants to make judgements. I want to sympathize with her dilemma, but I feel disappointed that she doesn’t understand what we have been through as a family. To be completely honest, I find it callous of her to call my husband, knowing full well our situation, and tell him that she is selling the house. Is there any compassion in this woman’s heart? We lost everything we owned and we are rebuilding our lives. I feel as though we are being kicked while we are down. My anger is palpable and always close to the surface, making me a walking time bomb for which I am ready to unleash the fury of my sharp tongue and irrational accusations. Her parents live right across the street from us, and yesterday her mom came over to ask if I had an item she could borrow to help her husband work on his hand skills. This is the sweetest and most adorable woman ever. I am really fond of her parents, but as her mother was walking over to my house, I felt this surge of fury well up inside of me. I tried to compose myself, but I know she could see in my eyes that something wasn’t right. I couldn’t even smile when she came to the door, and as she asked me for the item she wanted, I had a half cracked smile of disdain and just kept “um hmming” her. Then I let her know kindly that we didn’t have that particular object, but we used to before we lost everything.

I have all these thoughts that may not be far from the truth, and I hope they are totally wrong. My first thought after my husband broke the news to me was “We are being scammed!” If a landlord doesn’t have the money to make the necessary repairs to a rental they are paying a mortgage on, what is the best way to get it fixed up so you can get the damn thing off your hands by selling it? The answer is offer the renter a reduced rent and some money back each month for making the repairs. If she had no intention of selling right away, then we wouldn’t mind making those repairs. The investment for us is in the health and well being of our family. You can’t put a price tag on that, and there are things definitely more important than money! But why would I go ahead and settle my family into a home that we would have to move out of in six months? Does that make sense to anyone? It makes me rip roaring mad. It messes with the emotional well being of my family as well. It wasn’t enough for them to lose everything, and now we lose this too?

Are there other homes in my area that would be a good alternative to this house? Yes and no. There are homes in this area that are for rent that are WAY better than this house, but they have wall to wall carpeting. We can’t have carpeting because of Simmi’s skin problems. There are however certain types of area rugs that she doesn’t break out from. As I said earlier, we aren’t in a position to purchase a home, so how do we know we won’t be faced with the same situation with the next house we move in to? A friend of mine offered a suggestion to try and get an extended lease. I thought that was a great idea and in the back of my mind, at the same time I’m wondering what if the house were to go into foreclosure?

All of this is maddening at times. The uncertainty of what we should do next grips me and rips at me from the inside out. I need my children to feel secure and settled. Of course they are looking at this very differently…they see it as an opportunity to get the house of their dreams! They are not used to living in such a small house and they would love to see us get a bigger one that is new. Is that possible? Yes, but it comes at the cost of Simmi’s health.

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