The Perpetual Witching Hour

The Witching Hour is a phrase often used in superstitious circles when demons, witches or evil spirits lurk about and are at the height of their malevolent power. Usually this is the time after 12:00am. Spooky right? Well, the Witching Hour can also mean something else. Something far more sinister, paralyzing and can leave YOU feeling like a demon, witch or a malevolent being. This witching hour is usually only contained within a short period of time and it can happen at any time day or night. But what brings on the Witching hour? Busyness!

Just “TRY” to concentrate and get something substantial and important done and along comes this creature, soft, warm, smirking and pint sized to make your life a living hell! I have been living in a perpetual witching hour for the last three days. It hasn’t stopped. I’ll explain a little of how the witching hour festers, then throbs and finally pops like a massive zit all oozy and bloody!

Here it goes:

For you parents, have you ever tried to take an important call and two minutes into your conversation little Festus Jr. comes over and starts pulling on your pants, crying, screaming and nothing you do can calm him down…EXCEPT get off the phone? You end the call, hang up and little Festus decides to smile and walk away? Did he want anything? NO! You go to see how he is, and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. He’s playing with his trucks, spinning around wildly and having fun. So you sneak back into the kitchen to get on the phone because of how urgent the call was. You pick up the phone and start to dial and guess who comes barreling into the room screaming like someone was trying to murder him? You guessed it, FESTUS! You scratch your head still being patient, end your second attempt to make that call and as soon as you put that phone on the hook, Festus doesn’t have a care in the world. This of course continues. There is no rhyme or reason for it because it makes no sense what so ever! Does Festus want attention? Hmm, it’s hard to say because when you give him attention he treats you like you don’t even exist.

Here are some other short examples of when the Witching Hour is administered by our power-packed half pints:

• Making a meal
• Balancing the checkbook
• Shopping for food
• Doing laundry
• Making love (just try that one, and it’s enough to turn you off right away!)
• When your friends or family are over
• During the child’s birthday party (”Its my party and I’ll cry if I want to)
• After they are in bed and you sit down to watch your favorite show
• TRYING TO WORK FROM HOME!

What is that? Why is it that children instinctively know when you need to get something important done and that’s when the world is coming to an end for them? They were fine just two seconds ago and now they are caught up in a panicky whirlwind of emotion that only stops when you do NOTHING!

This is what my life for the last three days has been like. I have both self-imposed deadlines as well as external deadlines to meet, and it seems like as soon as I think its quiet, my little cutie pie Simmi is off into a screaming session that only ends when I decide to do nothing at all. Its not a fluke either. When I was creating this child’s website, the screaming was incessant. I always work on articles or other things that are important for me to get done online at night and if I don’t get it finished, I save my work, check it during her nap time and publish. Easy right? But what happens when you have something pressing to do, like LEARN A NEW MANAGEMENT SYSTEM? Huh? HUH? Ever since I made a commitment to this new business venture and began the process of learning about Drupal this child has been hell on wheels!

She is intuitively tuned into me. Usually she has a nice long nap during the day and I can do a few things I need to do online. Uh…not lately. No nap. Just jumping in her crib and CHEWING the wood on her crib! Yes, she has totally macked up her beautiful crib. Last week she had a splinter in her gums because she was gnawing on the wood. She has been manic over the last three days, just running around in circles and running up and down the hall.

I didn’t start downloading the system and get to business until 10:00pm last night when she finally conked out. I was up till 3:30am jamming as much in as I could. Today I did nothing. But she was still manic. If I had hair, I’d be pulling it out right about now. My world is in this constant state of flux recently. I was hoping to be refreshed and ready to go, but instead I have a screaming child on my hands and some health problems again.

When Dom came home for those four days, he brought with him some of his clothing. This clothing smelled musty. I don’t think its a coincidence that now I am having a flare up again. The same thing happened when I received the package from Dom with the “Big Girl Panties.” My son and I became really sick. When we opened that box the smell of mold wafted through the air. I haven’t had pain in my joints like I have right now since I left Maryland. I refuse to go back on steroids or anti-inflammatory medication and the only thing that seems to shut off my auto-immune response is being on a raw diet.

Can you tell I have a lot on my plate right now?

My Hair Demons

I have been shaving off my healthy hair for six months now, and the thing that usually happens to me during the time that I shave it is the urge to grow it back. I enjoy being bald because I no longer fret about unhealthy looking balding areas and thin hair, but there will always be a part of me that wants to feel my hair. Other women I know who have shaved their heads have expressed feeling that maybe they don’t have the “peace” about it that I have…but what is peace? I think many believe peace is a warm and fluffy feeling with some sort of permanent smile plastered upon the face. That is not the peace I feel inside. My peace is acceptance that I have permanently lost my hair in many areas of my scalp, knowing full well that I could have another flare that will take even more hair from me and there is nothing that can be medically done about it. I have a peace that everything will be ok as a bald woman and that I look beautiful whether I have hair or not. This is my acceptance and this is my peace. But there is another side of me that will always want to grow my hair back. It doesn’t mean there is a lack of peace or acceptance, because I have also accepted that I still do have hair. I can live in both worlds…although the “bald world” is far less stressful for me emotionally. If I decide to grow my hair back, I know the consequences of such a choice. It’s bitter sweet at best. I can once again feel my hair, but how it will look and the texture of it will sadden me profoundly. It means constantly checking to make sure that my balding areas are covered and using a wide variety of products to make it look more full. Sounds like a lack of peace doesn’t it? It is a double edged sword and this sword cuts both ways. I see so many courageous women on the Womens Hair Loss Project Network who are faithful to do what it takes to keep the hair they have. I’m just plain chicken shit! I find it easier to keep it all shaved off and go out bald, than to stand in front of a mirror and attempt to have “normal looking hair.” I lack peace in that department. When I had hair, I could feel my blood pressure rise in the bathroom as I tried to make my hair look halfway decent. It would take hours of messing with it and then I was still not satisfied with the results. Since I also have non-scarring alopecia, I wondered if being out of the moldy house would cause those areas of my hair to grow back as well…but then I shaved my head again, there are the same areas of missing hair to contend with. I’m not sure what I will do at this point. The urge to grow it back is strong, and I guess by writing this entry I wanted to remind myself of the pain as well as the pleasure of having hair again. I don’t know if it is worth all the heart ache. Would I do myself a huge disservice by allowing it to grow? I know there are so many options for women who are losing their hair, from Derma Match that can be applied to the scalp, to wigs, toppers and hair systems. Yet all these options seem to pale in comparison to being bald. I find it hard to imagine myself applying something to my scalp to make it look like I have more hair and I find it equally difficult to imagine myself getting a hair system which is extremely costly and requires maintenance.

Hair demons are difficult to deal with and yet I continue to give them latitude in my thought life! If I do decide to allow my hair to grow back, I know that I will just end up shaving it off again during the next flare up of follicle death. I never know when the next flare up will come, but it usually comes once a year. Mold is a trigger to my flares, and with the mold problem corrected I wonder if I will have a flare this year. If my hair loss goes into remission it will be even more difficult to fight the urge to let my hair grow. There is only one draw back to being bald…not being able to feel my hair! There are so many drawbacks to letting it grow, yet the only reason for me to grow it is to feel it. I wish I had more resolve or strength to grow it back and accept that my hair is just funky, thin and balding. Instead I take comfort in knowing that I control whether I let it grow or shave it off and I continue to fight my hair demons with the hope that someday the urge to grow it back will be no more.

Tempting Fate

I’m tempting fate once again in my life as I begin to count down the days to when we move to New Mexico and I begin the long journey back to the raw food lifestyle. One of the most interesting things that I learned recently about NM is that only one hour away is The Ann Wigmore Foundation. I didn’t know that it actually existed until I started doing research into the raw food community out there. Eight years ago I spent a month in Puerto Rico studying and being trained in the living foods lifestyle at The Ann Wigmore Institute, but I don’t recall them ever mentioning the Ann Wigmore Foundation in New Mexico…but I was so messed up back then that they could have mentioned it and it just flew right over my head!

I have been dreaming of being raw again, and I can feel it coming ever stronger, pulling me back, tempting and teasing me to just have that one piece of fruit or salad. I don’t dare eat anything raw at this point when I am at home. Let me put it to you this way; if we left a coffee cup out over night that had some coffee, cream and sugar in it, by morning there would be a layer of mold on top! That is how contaminated our home is, so eating raw foods of any kind in this house is something I won’t do.

These are some of my feelings on the raw and living food lifestyle for anyone that has already started their journey or is thinking of transitioning:

In the raw world you will get many opinions, claims and “facts.” But the raw and living food diet is not a “one size fits all” diet. Before jumping in to it you must know your own body, what you need personally as far as nutrients are concerned, and how best to utilize this diet to get the optimal results…longevity, clarity and physical and emotional balance.

Some will say “only eat organic”, but how demineralized is the soil that the fruits and vegetables are grown in? This is a very important question when considering the raw food lifestyle. Are you going to be aware of where your food is grown? Will you be in touch with the local farmer to find out if his soil is mineralized? If the soil is depleted, those rawfoods do not carry all the minerals our bodies need to be vibrant and healthy.  Where does our food come from? These are the questions to ask ourselves when embarking on the raw food journey. If you’re not willing to do the homework, discover what is best for your body, and just shove nuts down your throat because they are the fastest way to end hunger or out of some sort of “fear” that you aren’t getting enough protein, then you are better off taking a very slow transition into raw foods until you get your priorities in order.
I haven’t met many successful rawfoodist, NOT because the raw food lifestyle doesn’t work, but because these people weren’t thinking for themselves about how their body worked or what their body needed. They held tight to ideology and dogma and refused to listen to the wisdom of their own bodies screaming out.
I have seen them hoovering over lovingly prepared meals at raw food potlucks and get togethers, gobbling everything up in site without properly chewing the food or taking moderate portions. They gravitated towards heavy nut sauces, nut cheeses, oily treats and gourmet raw foods. Salads were often left untouched as well as fresh fruit displays unless there was some sort of heavy dipping sauce to compliment it. Although their diet had changed, their core eating habits had not.

We can grapple over what to eat and what not to eat, but there is so much more to being raw than just food. It is a way of life, a way of being. We can rush into it unconsciously and make the same mistakes we did when we ate a regular conventional diet and end up even more unhealthy then when we first started.

Educate yourselves first on all things raw, and understand the commitment that is involved. Be honest about what you are walking away from and what you are now embracing and be incredibly gentle with yourself, taking your time to transition slowly.
If you are suffering from a bad detox because you went “balls to the wall” full force into the raw food diet, cut back on the amount of fruits your are taking in and switch to green drinks and more dark green leafy foods. Raw nuts can help to slow down the effects of a detox, but make sure you know where your nuts are coming from. Nuts will be more readily digestible if they are soaked and sprouted first, and then blended and strained. And everything should be done ultimately in moderation.

For myself, I walked away from the raw food lifestyle a few years ago when I thought it was causing the health problems I currently have. I have been doing research and planning the time when I can safely return back to the raw food lifestyle. It takes time to plan and to also “undo” many of the habits that I have allowed to take over in my life. I look forward to a time very soon when I can transition according to my own body’s needs with commitment not only to the lifestyle but to myself as well, because the results that I have had being raw can not compare with any other time in my life.

Beggars Can’t be Choosers…Right?

A friend of mine has been asking me to tell her what I need since we have lost everything due to our mold issue. Then another friend did the same, and was trying to encourage me to put a list together of what my family needs. I felt completely vulnerable (still do) about expressing our needs, and over the last few days, I decided to actually make a list. When I first started the list, I got about part of the way through, and looked at how massive it was…got scared and deleted the post that I was working on. I felt foolish making this list because there is a part of me that still believes the old saying “Beggars Can’t be Choosers.” I grappled with the idea of creating a “wish list” registry that all our family and friends can view to cut down on my own personal awkwardness around explaining what we need, but plowed through those feelings and actually signed up at Amazon.com and created my “Wish List” there. I have been busy compiling my list, and as I do so, my stomach is twisted and turning in anxiety over actually picking things out that we need replaced for a new home. I feel gnawed to the core at the reality of the situation and filled with a sadness that we won’t be able to get all these things.

When my kids came home from school yesterday, they saw me compiling my list online and they wanted to be included in the process. Together we looked at the things they needed, and I could see this glimmer of hope and joy in their eyes, as if they were seeing some sort of relief, and I didn’t know how to explain that this is our “wish list” but it doesn’t mean that we are going to get everything right away.  I didn’t want their expectations to take over and in the end be even more crushed. We have lost everything, and we had to make some very difficult decisions for the sake of our health and well being not to take a single thing with us. We have been through this one time before, and it really doesn’t get any easier when if it happens again…especially with children. It hurts me to the core to need to get rid of all the things that they hold dear, but our health trumps all else in this case.

Another part of the dilemma I had with creating a list was having others look at that list and say “What? Do they really need that?” LOL To put a list out there is to open myself and my family up to the judgements of others. I found myself sitting at the computer, going through furniture, household items, exact items the children are upset about losing…like their computers, musical instruments, cell phones, video games, and other things that they may have gotten at Christmas or on their birthday and shrinking back from putting those things on the list and looking for cheaper items.

Our needs are so great, the list is extensive…and I haven’t even finished completing it. It will take me another day or two to finish it and then to post it for family and friends. I pray I have the strength to post it, and that for my family’s sake, I don’t back out at the last moment because I fear the judgement of others. I have even thought of posting the information to this blog site, but I haven’t made a decision yet about it.

We bumped up our move to December 12th because of the mold test results. We are renting a temporary home that is fully furnished until we find an area in New Mexico that we like and then ultimately find a home that we can settle into.

Our Mold Infested Home!

Two weeks ago we had our home tested for mold by a Mold Specialist because I am highly allergic to certain types of mold which can trigger my auto-immune disorder. When my system is triggered, I suffer irreversible hair loss as well as neurological problems. We knew we had mold even though it wasn’t detectable by smell, because I started suffering again with hair loss and tremors as well as going numb and not being able to move sometimes. My husband goes ripping through the house like a mad man looking for hidden mold and he found the mother load! Mold was colonizing in the air conditioner/furnace room. We just got the air conditioner fixed because it crapped out on us one very hot day this past July. After having it fixed we didn’t realize that condensation was building once again and mold was forming. This happened last year as well and we had to have the walls and carpet ripped out and replaced.

At most, I thought the mold problem was isolated to me alone, but there was a series of events that have caused us to go back and recount the illnesses not only of my husband and children, but to my grand daughter as well.

My grand daughter in is only 17 months old and has a long list of medical problems which involve her development, neurological system, gastrointestinal system and her skin. She still can not speak or say any words. There is a lot more to her story which I will save for another time. But for now, knowing the amounts of mold we have as well as the concentration levels may hold the key to her many medical problems.

Here is a list of the molds present in our home:

1. Agrocybe/Coprinus
2. Alternaria
3. Ascospores
4. Aspergillus/Penicillium (the highest percentage of 65%)
5. Basidiospores
6. Chaetomium
7. Cladosporium
8. Epicoccum
9. Stachybotrys (black toxic mold)
10. Pithomyces

I am allergic to five on this list, but what is most concerning to us is the high concentration of Aspergillus, Cladosporium, Chaetomium and also the toxic black mold. Stachybotrys (toxic mold) does not usually become airborne. It colonizes where it is (non-airborne) unless it is disturbed or dried out, then the spores shoot into the air, contaminating everything it lands on. My husband is highly allergic to Aspergillus/Penicillium, which explains the hair loss on his head, in his eyebrows and his chest hair. He also has other health concerns that he just chalked up to being achy from work. Now we have cause to reconsider.

Stachybotrys can be safely removed by a mold remediation specialist IF it is intact and has not become airborne, but once it does become airborne, according to a few specialists “It’s all over!” The mold specialist who took the air samples of our home said that in all the time that he has tested different sites, he has NEVER seen such high amounts of Stachybotrys airborne!

So what does it all mean for our family? Since we already knew there was mold I was allergic to in our current home, we had planned to give away or sell our things because only I was allergic to it and then move out west to New Mexico with just our clothing. But since we just found out today that we have toxic mold, we have to throw EVERYTHING away! That’s right, everything, including our clothes. Nothing can go with us, or given to relatives for storage, or sold, because of the contamination. If the toxic mold was not airborne, in theory could take our stuff, but it still poses a threat to our health because of the nine other molds and we run the risk of contaminating a new home, starting the process all over again. It’s like losing everything in a fire. All the things I held precious, like my father’s original artwork, my art that I held onto since I was nine years old, all my children’s art, photographs, important documents, books that I treasure, things I have made my children…all gone. We have to start all over.

The following is a list of symptoms related to toxic mold, and the information I list is from http://www.mold-survivor.com/symptoms.html

• Fibromyalgia/mps (and several correlated symptoms)
  
• Respiratory distress, coughing, sneezing, sinusitis
  
• Difficulty swallowing, choking, spitting up (vomiting) mucous
  
• Hypersensitivity pneumonitis
• Burning in the throat and lungs (similar to acid reflux and often misdiagnosed as such)
• Asthmatic signs; wheezing, shortness in breath, coughing, burning in lungs, etc.
• Irritable bowel syndrome, nausea, diarrhea, sharp abdominal pains, stomach lesions

Bladder, liver, spleen, or kidney pain

• Dark or painful urine
• Dirt-like taste in mouth, coated tongue
• Food allergies/leaky gut syndrome/altered immunity
• Memory loss; brain fog, slurred speech, occasionally leading to dementia
• Vision problems
• Swollen lymph nodes
• Large boils on neck (often a sign of

anaphylaxis)

• Yellowing of nails, ridges, or white marks under nail
• Thyroid irregularities, sometimes leading to complete dysfunction; adrenal problems
• Headaches
• Anxiety/depression, heart palpitations - confusion,

PTSD

• Extreme blood pressure, cholesterol, or triglycerides irregularities
• Ringing in ears, balance problems (very common), dizziness, loss of hearing (aspergillus niger)
• Chronic fatigue (also included under this classification directional confusion)
• Intermittent face flushing; almost always systemic, Called the Mylar Flush (neurological))
• Night head sweats, and drooling while sleeping, profuse sweating
• Multiple chemical sensitivity; only upon exposure to Stachybotrys and Chaetomium
• Nose bleeds (stachybotrys)
• 
  

Bruising/scarring easily; rash or hives, bloody lesions all over the skin (Often systemic, see images; skin)

• Reproductive system complications; infertility, changes in menstrual cycles, miscarriage
• Sudden weight changes (Detoxifier genotypes tend to gain weight, non-detoxifier genotypes tend to lose weight)
• Cancer
• Hair loss, very brittle nails, temporary loss of fingerprints (in rare cases)
• Joint/muscle stiffness and pain
• Irregular heart beat/heart attack
• Seizures, inadvertent body jerking, twitching, inadvertent facial movements or numbness in face
• Hypersensitivity when re-exposed to molds, which can lead to anaphylaxis
• Anaphylaxis upon re-exposure to mycotoxin producing molds
• Death, in extreme cases

This was incredibly long, but I feel it is so important not to mess with mold. If you feel your home has mold problems, please get it checked out.

Here are some helpful links about mold and mold exposure:

http://www.mold-help.org/

My Beautiful Son

Our family has been through the ringer over the last five years. My family and I had just move to PA from Michigan, and we had to try to fit the contents of an 8 bedroom house into a house that only had three bedrooms. Most of the stuff ended up downstairs in the garage. When we first moved in, we could smell a strong chemical smell in the basement, but we never asked the landlord what the smell was…as long as it didn’t smell like a musty basement we were happy to be there. Over the course of that year, my children were always sick, I got a nasty flare up of Lupus, I was partially paralysed again and I had just gotten married. What the heck was my new husband thinking? LOL
Here he was, married for the first time to a woman with four children, and now he was taking care of her because she could hardly walk, blew up like a balloon because of the steroids, and on top of it all, was going bald…not a very good start to a new life.
It was a hard year, and just as quickly as we moved in, the landlord decided that he was going to sell the house, and we had to leave. We found a new place, and started moving stuff out of the house…but when we got to the garage, we noticed that there was a very thick layer of mold all over our beautiful furniture. I had no idea that I was allergic to mold, so we did our best to clean it all off, and we moved out.

Two weeks after moving in to our new home, I stopped breathing. There was no warning signs of pneumonia, no fever, or even coughing. I just stopped breathing. I was rushed to intensive care where my new husband was told to say what he needed to say to me because I probably wouldn’t make it to see tomorrow. My husband and children were terrified. I did make it through the night, but it was a fight! I was determined to live.
They treated me with really strong antibiotics, and a week later, I was back at home. When I started feeling a little better, I went out to our new garage where we put all the stuff from the previous house, and all of the sudden I stopped breathing again. I was rushed back to the hospital, and we asked if it could have to do with the mold that was all over our furniture. The doctor said to get rid of all the stuff, and that I was probably allergic to the mold.
How could I do that to my family? We didn’t listen, and I went through another year of reoccurring pneumonia. My husband finally said we have to get rid of all our things and move. The new house was contaminated, and if I wanted to live to see my family another day, we needed to get rid of it all.

We had a big garage sale, and sold or gave away almost everything we owned. Over that next year, my children, my husband and me slept on blowup mattresses. My husband was constantly cleaning everything because when I went to the allergist, we found out that I was allergic to a whole host of things…not just mold.

I felt so bad for my children though. They lovingly sold all their belongings. Books, toys, treasured keepsakes, and things that they had for a long time. We had kept most of our clothes and a few other items, but that was it.
We have been slowly purchasing new things, and I say slowly. We started with the kids, so that they wouldn’t have to sleep on blow up mattresses anymore, and my husband and I put what we wanted or needed aside.
We are still recovering.

The other day, my son says “mom, when was the last time you went shopping for clothes or something nice for yourself?” I asked him why he was asking that question, because he knows what we have been through and why my husband and I don’t purchase things for ourselves. I told him there are bigger priorities than me buying clothing right now (even though my husband wanted to deck me out with a new look just last weekend) and that I had turned down my husband’s offer to get me some new things.
My kids have always been “savers”. They have their own bank accounts, and when someone gives money for their birthday or if they got their allowance they always put it in the bank. He told me that he wanted to take me shopping. I refused, and wanted to drop the subject. I loved his gesture, but I didn’t want him spending his money on me. I rejected a love offering. He pushed harder, (He’s 11 years old) and told me how much he loved me and wanted to get me out of those old worn out clothes. I started to cry. I realized that he wasn’t going to give in, and I finally agreed.

He chose to forget about the past and what he had to lose and instead chose to embrace the present and move forward to a better future. He wanted to give to me from his heart. I can’t imagine how it might have hurt him if I kept refusing his gesture to me. He has always thought long and hard and scrimped and saved to purchase things for me for my birthday and holiday’s…Gold, Jade and rubies…but the most precious gift I have ever received from him was his absolutely stunning heart! What a treasure. What a gift.
What a beautiful Son.

Do Men and Women Feel the Same Way About Hair Loss?

Do men and women struggle with the same issues emotionally when it comes to hair loss? I believe the they do. I asked my husband how he feels since he started to lose his hair, and this glazed over, pale look on his face said it all. Although I have been dealing with hair loss for the last five years, the thought that he could also now be dealing with his own loss has him stuck like a deer in the head lights.

My husband started to develop bald patches in his eyebrows, a quarter sized bald patch in his chest hair, and the hair on his head has started to shed quite a bit. My two younger children have experienced similar hair loss and we believe that they are also affected by the mold that we have in the house we are currently renting.

I wanted to understand what he was feeling about losing his hair, and it was so profoundly deep that he could barely bring himself to talk about it. He has accepted my hair loss and he has embraced loving me as an Alopecian woman, but will he be able to accept himself if his hair loss does not resolve itself? Will he begin to move away from me emotionally and bury his pain deep inside where I can not reach him? His hair is absolutely stunning and creates a softness to his face and features. It is natural for him to feel pain and anguish over losing it but my hope is that he will continue to stay open to me emotionally so that he can move forward with his life continuing to reach toward his goals, dreams and desires. Hair loss has a way of stopping these thing dead in their tracks for a time and the emotionally paralysing affects can bring us into a place of isolation, loneliness and despair.

I believe that men feel just as much torment over losing their hair as women do, it is after all a part of the human condition.