I Miss My Husband

I feel I am at a loss these days. Being without Dom is becoming increasingly difficult and I find myself becoming depressed. I feel overwhelmed by all that I need to do here in our new home and I feel that he is missing out on so much because he needs to stay on the east coast for work. I miss him more each day, and even though we talk a few times a day by phone, it just isn’t the same as having him here to hold.

I was thinking of how much he means to me and while it helps me to get through the day, the reality of the situation sucks! As I write this, Simmi is whining in the crib with the most annoying cry I have ever heard. She is annoyed that I had to switch her to a different kind of bottle that doesn’t leak all over the place. All I can think in this moment is that I feel the exact same way as her. I just want to whine about the fact that Dom isn’t here and that there is nothing that can replace him. I miss the way he makes coffee in the morning for me and brings it to me all bright eyed and full of excitement to tell me about the day ahead. I miss after he leaves for work and going into the kitchen and seeing the huge mess he left behind of coffee grinds half spilled in the garbage can, the sugar spilled onto the counter, him filling up the cup too much and as he would stir everything together, it spilling all over the counter. Why do I love that? Sure he could have cleaned it up immediately, but he had more pressing things on his mind like being with me every moment he could before going off to work. I miss the way he used to blow up the kitchen creating fantastic meals for all of us and I loved watching him work his magic preparing gourmet meals or absolute flop meals. I smile thinking about how once he made Nacho Supreme for us and when he realized that there was no sour cream he improvised and used blue cheese. I know, I know, eeww! Blue cheese on nachos? Oh believe me it was horrible, but I loved the fact that he prepared that meal. I smile just thinking of how every one’s face looked when he said that he put blue cheese in the nachos. Then I laugh, then I tear up.

I love his deep voice and how he always tells me that he loves me softly in my ear or chases me around the house because “he just has to have me.” Most of all I miss his presence here and the joy he brings to not only me but also to the children. When he calls, they can’t wait to talk to him and tell them about their day or what has been going on in school. He talks to them everyday and it saddens me even more that he isn’t here to talk with them in person or work on some project together.

Being as resourceful as I am, and having the skills to complete the work that has to be done in the house alone, I find myself sinking into some despair. Sure I can paint, repair the heating system, change fixtures in the bathroom and kitchen, refinish the kitchen cabinets, switch out electrical sockets and light switches, install new light fixtures, put down new flooring, design what I want for the interior, repair holes in walls, mud, tape and finish walls…but it’s just not the same as having him here to share that with. Yes I can do ALL those things alone, but I love working with him and getting it done together. He is not only my husband and lover, but also my playmate!

I have tried to look on the bright side, and I have tried to convince myself that it will only be a little longer, but the reality creeps in and causes me to recoil and feel alone. Every time I go to do something, I think of how much he would love doing that thing with me. I love how messy he gets when he works and when he leaves stuff all over the place. He does great at painting a room and the finished product is awesome, but I always smile at the tracks left behind on the floor from splattered paint, stepping in it and tracking it around the room. Those are the small things that can get under other peoples skin perhaps, but they are the little things that I find so endearing about him.

I don’t know how women do it when their husbands are in the military or work for months away from home. I know that the cares and worries of the day tend to make time go by faster (or sometimes agonizingly slower) and I even know that there are wives that don’t exactly miss that their husband or partner is away because they are so freaking annoying. It’s like a little mini-vacation for them. But this man of mine is priceless beyond compare and I hate being away from him!

Each day that goes by the loneliness creeps into him as well. I hope that he will be able to come out to visit us in the next few weeks and I look forward to the day he comes home for good.

For any women that has a husband or partner that is away for long periods of time, how do you deal with it? There are plenty of things that a person can do to fill the time and create a diversion of sorts, but at the end of the day the pain of being apart is still there. How do you get through it all?

How Long Will This Go On?

When women first start to notice that they are losing their hair, they feel an overwhelming rush of fear come over them. There are so many questions that unfortunately remain unanswered while in pursuit of finding the root cause of our hair loss. We can become overwhelmed, isolated, withdrawn and completely undone as we begin to watch our hair fall on the floor, on our clothing, caught in the shower drain and stuck in the hair brush. We dread taking a shower because of the massive amount of hair that seems to shed following a shower or a bath. What used to be a pleasurable and relaxing experience turns to anxiety and fear and the horrid anticipation of the next massive shed. Our lives can come undone as we begin to think we are petty and vain for caring about how our hair is missing. We hear comments from those around us (and even from ourselves at times) stating, “It’s only hair!” but it is so much more than that. If it wasn’t such a big deal to lose our hair, then why all the commercials and advertisements for hair care products? Hair is beautiful, and it is a part of who we are physically, so when it departs from us, it can leave us feeling unattractive, depressed, fearful of intimacy, and obsessed about finding out how to get it back. When I became a member of The Woman’s Hair Loss Project Network, one of the questions most frequently asked by others was “How long will this go on? How long will I continue to lose my hair and what can I do to get it back?” When new women join our community which I lovingly refer to as “The Great Sisterhood,” they are first struck by the amount of support and tenderness from our many members. Each woman has her own hair loss story, but in the end, regardless of how much or how little hair you have lost the emotional toll and feelings are always the same.

We are all growing and changing…each and everyday. I never knew that I could have good female friends and have them love and care about me. It moves us into a better place. Each woman on the Network is my teacher and for that I am so grateful. I cherish each one and love to watch them grow and step out of the shadows of their pain and aguish.
Hairloss may have brought us together, but what we learn along the way is that there has been a part of us that was empty….a longing unmet that is filled to over flowing because we reach out to others and we also reach in to ourselves. We cry tears of pain and aguish, but over time, those tears turn into joyful tears of appreciation and amazement…because we are seen, cherished, loved and respected right where we are. For the first time in our lives, we don’t have to put up a front or perform….we are just free to be who we are inside.

The Women’s Hair Loss Project Network becomes the catalyst to rediscovering who we are as we reflect on other women’s thoughts and emotions poured out all over their blogs and in their comments. We see so clearly that we have so much more than hair loss in common with them and it brings a sense of balance and peace to our hearts and lives. It moves us in a new direction that reaches out to those who are hurting because we have been there and it gives those in the throws of panic and despair hope for renewed strength.

Other members of the Network understand when new members say ”I’m not as strong as you, and I know I will never be that strong”, because we were there in that place once. New ladies that sign up feel hopeless and lost, and we whisper softly and tenderly to them helping to restore their lost dignity, self confidence and self worth. We are so much more than our hair and being among these ladies teaches us that on such a profound level.

When we become more confident and gather more self worth in our being, we sit in amazement and wonder what changed? How is it that we became so very different from the first day we joined? The answer is that we dug down deep into our souls and we mustered up new strength we never knew we had, and while we were digging we saw all the faces of those who were just like us. We realize we aren’t crazy, we aren’t neurotic, and we aren’t worthless…we realize our own humanity and we cry with tears of joy that we are understood.

It is truly a beautiful thing to behold, and yet we are not impervious to falling into the mire again. We find that even though we may wallow for a time in the mire because it is a strange and old familiar feeling, our time in that place becomes less and less. Our strength also gives us the ability to step into the mire of another woman and yet not be sullied by its effects. We sit with her there and listen to her story. Sometimes we sit in silence and other times we speak tenderly and compassionately to her, all the while, reflecting on our own journey when we felt the same exact way.

We are a sisterhood of hope and change…of life and love…and of courage and strength.

My Kids Want a Dog

I have always been a “dog person” but I really didn’t have a choice in the matter because I am one of those lucky people that has multiple allergies. You name it and I am probably allergic to it; and among this laundry list of allergies is a severe allergy to cats. While I have always secretly dreamed of sharing my home with a feline, I do have the option of having a dog. But what kind? Over the years I have had many different kinds dogs, from mutts to pure breeds…and I’m not sure what I would choose if I decided to once more go ahead and make a commitment to share my home with a dog.

My kids bring up the idea in different ways through out the week and they are relentless in their quest to make mom “see the light.” They talk about the days when we had our beautiful Bichon and how sweet and good natured he was. They reminisce about some of his most endearing qualities and remind me of just how much I loved him. He was a pure delight, always lifting our spirits when we were down and making us laugh with his quirky little habits. But the more they talk about him, the more I could never replace him with another Bichon. He was just too special to me and it breaks my heart to have to tell them no. Maybe I am warming up once again to the idea of having another dog, but again…what kind? What kind of dog do you share your home with when you lived with and loved the most special dog in the world? I feel that all dogs pale in comparison to him and in a way, think that maybe I would just spend my time comparing the new pup and feeling disappointed if he didn’t measure up to the legend that I have created in my mind about Chuka.