Santa Gives Me the Creeps!

I have tried to be a good sport at Christmas but I could never get past the whole Santa fascination. I don’t understand why this fat man in a bright red suit should take credit for all the money we spend for gifts at Christmas time. Come on now folks, am I the only one that sees that Santa is trying to steal my thunder? Why should he be praised, revered, respected and feared? HE DOESN’T EVEN EXIST! Why do parents teach their children to believe in this creepy figure? Is he the role model I want my children to emulate? What are his values? Santa doesn’t have any values. If he did, he wouldn’t be telling parents to make their children believe in him. So value number one with Santa is “lie to your children.” Santa would have you string your children along for six or seven years until someone like one of my kids comes along and blows the whistle! Then you’re screwed, because your children just found out that you are a liar! Now, don’t go blaming my kids because you chose to lie to yours. I never taught my kids to believe in the fat man. It wasn’t easy dealing with them either at Christmas time! My daughter Gina used to beg me to just “let her believe in Santa” because if we said we were sorry to him and believed hard enough, he would come to our house and give really nice gifts. She wasn’t satisfied with Hanukkah gelt and dreidel spinning. Little chocolate coins weren’t enough for her and neither was getting one gift each night for eight nights. Over the years, we got a Christmas tree, lights, presents and all the pretty decorations for the house. But I drew the line with Santa. I even allowed Santa figurines and ornaments to be displayed. My daughter Shoshannah used to call Santa “Papa.” I swear it seams to be encoded in a child’s DNA to utter the word “Santa” in November and December. I was a good Jewish mother, baking Christmas cookies, wrapping gifts and getting ready for Hanukkah. I saw no harm in lighting up our house and letting the kids have some fun. Here is a picture from the “good ol’ days” when my two oldest girls were just five and seven years old. Gina is on the left and Hannah is on the right.

Looking at this picture, is it any wonder Gina was asking for Santa to come and bring her some “good gifts?” She cried and begged all the time for Santa to come, yet Santa creeped my kids out too! You should have seen them in the mall. We were shopping, and my kids just looked terrified at the thought of sitting on Santa’s lap. AND HELL NO, I would never have attempted to put them on his lap in the first place! That creeps me out even more.

Value #2 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to eat milk and cookies all the time day and night. When was the last time you saw Santa sitting down to a nice salad or bowl of fruit?

Value #3 that Santa teaches children…it’s perfectly normal to be shouting “Ho Ho Ho.” What is that, some sort of inside joke? Is he calling children around the world whores? That wouldn’t be too far from the truth though would it! Think about it, what is the job of a hooker? She performs and then she gets paid. Is it any different for children at Christmas time? What do parents around the world say to their kids? “If you aren’t good, Santa isn’t gonna bring you gifts this year! Now stop whining and go clean up your room.” In other words, they put out and then they get paid!

Value #4 that Santa teaches children…get someone else to do your dirty work, and then take all the credit! Is Santa hard at work making toys and wrapping them with loving care? NO, he gets his slaves to do it. Elves do all the work, and he also gets parents to relinquish the joy of giving to their children and saying it was was from Mom and Dad. I wonder how he pulled that one off!

Value #5 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to be cruel to animals. Did you really think that Rudolf’s nose was red because he was “special?” Santa has been abusing Rudolf for a long time and to make matters worse, he didn’t even care when the other reindeer picked on him. Rudolf was so scared of Santa’s rage, that he never told a soul that Santa beat him daily. He just kept telling the other Reindeer that he fell down the stairs.

Value #6 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to live in isolation out in the middle of no where, shacked up with a woman, a bunch of slaves and some animals. Where is Santa’s family? Does he even have any? A mother or father…maybe some sisters or brothers? How about neigbors? What the hell does Santa do all year long? We know he doesn’t make toys, and he only works once a year, which leads us to…

Value #7 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to only work one day a year! Wouldn’t it be great if we all only worked one day a year?

I don’t know about you, but I sure am glad that I never allowed Santa to be a role model to my kids. I want my kids to be upstanding members of society not liars, fat gluttons, whores, animal abusers, hermits or lazy assed unemployed people that only work one day during the holiday season just so they can get a discount.

Christmas is coming once again, and what a beautiful time to tell your children what a blessing they are no matter what they do…for good or bad. Children are a joy and they should know that they are loved and appreciated by us as parents. Will children really be missing out on “the magic of Christmas” if there is no Santa? I don’t think so. The wonder of Christmas will still be there for them, and it will be so special because every gift was thoughtfully wrapped by mom and dad.