My Hair Demons

I have been shaving off my healthy hair for six months now, and the thing that usually happens to me during the time that I shave it is the urge to grow it back. I enjoy being bald because I no longer fret about unhealthy looking balding areas and thin hair, but there will always be a part of me that wants to feel my hair. Other women I know who have shaved their heads have expressed feeling that maybe they don’t have the “peace” about it that I have…but what is peace? I think many believe peace is a warm and fluffy feeling with some sort of permanent smile plastered upon the face. That is not the peace I feel inside. My peace is acceptance that I have permanently lost my hair in many areas of my scalp, knowing full well that I could have another flare that will take even more hair from me and there is nothing that can be medically done about it. I have a peace that everything will be ok as a bald woman and that I look beautiful whether I have hair or not. This is my acceptance and this is my peace. But there is another side of me that will always want to grow my hair back. It doesn’t mean there is a lack of peace or acceptance, because I have also accepted that I still do have hair. I can live in both worlds…although the “bald world” is far less stressful for me emotionally. If I decide to grow my hair back, I know the consequences of such a choice. It’s bitter sweet at best. I can once again feel my hair, but how it will look and the texture of it will sadden me profoundly. It means constantly checking to make sure that my balding areas are covered and using a wide variety of products to make it look more full. Sounds like a lack of peace doesn’t it? It is a double edged sword and this sword cuts both ways. I see so many courageous women on the Womens Hair Loss Project Network who are faithful to do what it takes to keep the hair they have. I’m just plain chicken shit! I find it easier to keep it all shaved off and go out bald, than to stand in front of a mirror and attempt to have “normal looking hair.” I lack peace in that department. When I had hair, I could feel my blood pressure rise in the bathroom as I tried to make my hair look halfway decent. It would take hours of messing with it and then I was still not satisfied with the results. Since I also have non-scarring alopecia, I wondered if being out of the moldy house would cause those areas of my hair to grow back as well…but then I shaved my head again, there are the same areas of missing hair to contend with. I’m not sure what I will do at this point. The urge to grow it back is strong, and I guess by writing this entry I wanted to remind myself of the pain as well as the pleasure of having hair again. I don’t know if it is worth all the heart ache. Would I do myself a huge disservice by allowing it to grow? I know there are so many options for women who are losing their hair, from Derma Match that can be applied to the scalp, to wigs, toppers and hair systems. Yet all these options seem to pale in comparison to being bald. I find it hard to imagine myself applying something to my scalp to make it look like I have more hair and I find it equally difficult to imagine myself getting a hair system which is extremely costly and requires maintenance.

Hair demons are difficult to deal with and yet I continue to give them latitude in my thought life! If I do decide to allow my hair to grow back, I know that I will just end up shaving it off again during the next flare up of follicle death. I never know when the next flare up will come, but it usually comes once a year. Mold is a trigger to my flares, and with the mold problem corrected I wonder if I will have a flare this year. If my hair loss goes into remission it will be even more difficult to fight the urge to let my hair grow. There is only one draw back to being bald…not being able to feel my hair! There are so many drawbacks to letting it grow, yet the only reason for me to grow it is to feel it. I wish I had more resolve or strength to grow it back and accept that my hair is just funky, thin and balding. Instead I take comfort in knowing that I control whether I let it grow or shave it off and I continue to fight my hair demons with the hope that someday the urge to grow it back will be no more.

Our Mold Infested Home!

Two weeks ago we had our home tested for mold by a Mold Specialist because I am highly allergic to certain types of mold which can trigger my auto-immune disorder. When my system is triggered, I suffer irreversible hair loss as well as neurological problems. We knew we had mold even though it wasn’t detectable by smell, because I started suffering again with hair loss and tremors as well as going numb and not being able to move sometimes. My husband goes ripping through the house like a mad man looking for hidden mold and he found the mother load! Mold was colonizing in the air conditioner/furnace room. We just got the air conditioner fixed because it crapped out on us one very hot day this past July. After having it fixed we didn’t realize that condensation was building once again and mold was forming. This happened last year as well and we had to have the walls and carpet ripped out and replaced.

At most, I thought the mold problem was isolated to me alone, but there was a series of events that have caused us to go back and recount the illnesses not only of my husband and children, but to my grand daughter as well.

My grand daughter in is only 17 months old and has a long list of medical problems which involve her development, neurological system, gastrointestinal system and her skin. She still can not speak or say any words. There is a lot more to her story which I will save for another time. But for now, knowing the amounts of mold we have as well as the concentration levels may hold the key to her many medical problems.

Here is a list of the molds present in our home:

1. Agrocybe/Coprinus
2. Alternaria
3. Ascospores
4. Aspergillus/Penicillium (the highest percentage of 65%)
5. Basidiospores
6. Chaetomium
7. Cladosporium
8. Epicoccum
9. Stachybotrys (black toxic mold)
10. Pithomyces

I am allergic to five on this list, but what is most concerning to us is the high concentration of Aspergillus, Cladosporium, Chaetomium and also the toxic black mold. Stachybotrys (toxic mold) does not usually become airborne. It colonizes where it is (non-airborne) unless it is disturbed or dried out, then the spores shoot into the air, contaminating everything it lands on. My husband is highly allergic to Aspergillus/Penicillium, which explains the hair loss on his head, in his eyebrows and his chest hair. He also has other health concerns that he just chalked up to being achy from work. Now we have cause to reconsider.

Stachybotrys can be safely removed by a mold remediation specialist IF it is intact and has not become airborne, but once it does become airborne, according to a few specialists “It’s all over!” The mold specialist who took the air samples of our home said that in all the time that he has tested different sites, he has NEVER seen such high amounts of Stachybotrys airborne!

So what does it all mean for our family? Since we already knew there was mold I was allergic to in our current home, we had planned to give away or sell our things because only I was allergic to it and then move out west to New Mexico with just our clothing. But since we just found out today that we have toxic mold, we have to throw EVERYTHING away! That’s right, everything, including our clothes. Nothing can go with us, or given to relatives for storage, or sold, because of the contamination. If the toxic mold was not airborne, in theory could take our stuff, but it still poses a threat to our health because of the nine other molds and we run the risk of contaminating a new home, starting the process all over again. It’s like losing everything in a fire. All the things I held precious, like my father’s original artwork, my art that I held onto since I was nine years old, all my children’s art, photographs, important documents, books that I treasure, things I have made my children…all gone. We have to start all over.

The following is a list of symptoms related to toxic mold, and the information I list is from http://www.mold-survivor.com/symptoms.html

• Fibromyalgia/mps (and several correlated symptoms)
  
• Respiratory distress, coughing, sneezing, sinusitis
  
• Difficulty swallowing, choking, spitting up (vomiting) mucous
  
• Hypersensitivity pneumonitis
• Burning in the throat and lungs (similar to acid reflux and often misdiagnosed as such)
• Asthmatic signs; wheezing, shortness in breath, coughing, burning in lungs, etc.
• Irritable bowel syndrome, nausea, diarrhea, sharp abdominal pains, stomach lesions

Bladder, liver, spleen, or kidney pain

• Dark or painful urine
• Dirt-like taste in mouth, coated tongue
• Food allergies/leaky gut syndrome/altered immunity
• Memory loss; brain fog, slurred speech, occasionally leading to dementia
• Vision problems
• Swollen lymph nodes
• Large boils on neck (often a sign of

anaphylaxis)

• Yellowing of nails, ridges, or white marks under nail
• Thyroid irregularities, sometimes leading to complete dysfunction; adrenal problems
• Headaches
• Anxiety/depression, heart palpitations - confusion,

PTSD

• Extreme blood pressure, cholesterol, or triglycerides irregularities
• Ringing in ears, balance problems (very common), dizziness, loss of hearing (aspergillus niger)
• Chronic fatigue (also included under this classification directional confusion)
• Intermittent face flushing; almost always systemic, Called the Mylar Flush (neurological))
• Night head sweats, and drooling while sleeping, profuse sweating
• Multiple chemical sensitivity; only upon exposure to Stachybotrys and Chaetomium
• Nose bleeds (stachybotrys)
• 
  

Bruising/scarring easily; rash or hives, bloody lesions all over the skin (Often systemic, see images; skin)

• Reproductive system complications; infertility, changes in menstrual cycles, miscarriage
• Sudden weight changes (Detoxifier genotypes tend to gain weight, non-detoxifier genotypes tend to lose weight)
• Cancer
• Hair loss, very brittle nails, temporary loss of fingerprints (in rare cases)
• Joint/muscle stiffness and pain
• Irregular heart beat/heart attack
• Seizures, inadvertent body jerking, twitching, inadvertent facial movements or numbness in face
• Hypersensitivity when re-exposed to molds, which can lead to anaphylaxis
• Anaphylaxis upon re-exposure to mycotoxin producing molds
• Death, in extreme cases

This was incredibly long, but I feel it is so important not to mess with mold. If you feel your home has mold problems, please get it checked out.

Here are some helpful links about mold and mold exposure:

http://www.mold-help.org/

How Far is Too Far When it Comes to Hair Loss Products?

How far would you go to make your hair loss problems go away? We all dream of that perfect product or “new amazing potion” that will give us back our hair. But what happens when that dream turns into a nightmare? Where does a person turn to get the answers they need to make informed and intelligent decisions concerning the future of their hair loss?

There are “Hair Loss Preditors” out there that seek to devour vulnerable and scared hair loss sufferers. They promise them the world, and in the end the pain and disillusionment makes it even more difficult to move forward with their lives in productive and healthy ways.

So what kind of products am I talking about? Ah, did you have a product or procedure in mind? Do you have questions or concerns about the ingredients of things that could be harmful to your body? Are you confused by what your doctors have told you about your hair loss and he/she just looked at you saying “Take some Rogaine and call me in the morning!”

Where do you turn to get solid advice about the products or procedures you are thinking of trying?

A new forum has been launched by Spencer Kobren, the founder of The American Hair Loss Association and The Bald Truth. The forum titled Bald Truth Talk http://www.baldtruthtalk.com is aimed to create a safe online experience for men and women to get real information and support concerning hair loss, hair transplants, treatments, products that do not work and more. At Bald Truth Talk, you can talk with fellow hair loss sufferers and also doctors who can help sift through the products and procedures so that you can make an informed decision.

At the forum you won’t be bombarded by sales ads or preditory products.

The following quote is the mission statement of The American Hair Loss Association, and I believe it sums up all that the Bald Truth Talk Forum is about:

“The American Hair Loss Association is committed to educating and improving the lives of all those affected by hair loss. It is our goal to create public awareness of this devastating disease of the spirit, and to legitimize hair loss of all forms in the eyes of our medical community, the media and society as a whole.

We recognize that hair loss is not only a complex medical condition, but one that affects every aspect of the hair loss sufferer’s life. For this reason we are dedicated to providing resources and support to those who are actively researching effective treatments and to those who are committed to fighting this emotionally devastating disorder.”

So, before you buy that “new amazing comb,” the “perfect lightening in a bottle”, the new pill that promises that you will grow copious amounts of hair, or need a direction on where to find a good hair transplant surgeon, stop by Bald Truth Talk and become a member of the forum. You won’t regret it!

My Long Journey Back to the Raw Lifestyle

For a few years I was “Ravishingly Raw” bringing myself back from the brink of ruin physically. I was one of those unlucky people that was struck with Lupus. My sister and I both got struck with it in the same month of the same year only hers was severe and mine was mild in comparison. I was also unlucky enough for the ANA blood test to show a very low presence of anything auto-immune, but it had the Rheumatologist baffled. I had tremors, then lost some of my ability to walk and I was so embarrassed by the fact that as a result I was also incontinent. I was tested for everything under the sun neurological, but in the end I was given a diagnoses of fibromyalgia and Lupus. The doctor explained to me that in some people, Lupus can actually not show up on a blood test, but because I also had a family history of it, that he gave me a diagnosis of both. It was quite strange having both, and he explained both of them to me, and differences between the two different disorders. I was given an extremely high dose of prednisone, and I was told that the prednisone was for the Lupus and it would not help with the fibromyalgia. So double the pain, until the day when my legs started getting numb and feeling really heavy. Then I didn’t feel any pain at all in them. I also had a hard time moving them…the pain was gone, but so was all feeling from the waist down.

After a year of dealing with the medications and the fact that there was no cure for either disorder, I decided to slowly transition to a raw food diet. I started by taking out things that I really didn’t care for anyway, and then started removing other kinds of cooked and processed foods from my diet.

During the transition to the raw diet, I didn’t notice any thing changing in my body or feel any better. But! when I finally took the leap to a raw food diet, within six weeks I lost sixty pounds and felt better than I ever felt in long time. I maintained it for another few years until I started getting tremors again. Being raw, I sent the Lupus into remission for a few years. At the time I didn’t know there were other “triggers” for bringing Lupus out of remission. When my hair started falling out, I thought it was due to my diet and I felt defeated thinking that maybe the raw foods had nothing to do with me getting better and that my diet was making me malnourished. But that wasn’t the case! I wouldn’t find out for another year and a half that I had become very allergic to mold. (That is a good story for another time.) It was at that time that the doctor told me that it was actually the mold allergy that is a trigger for my Lupus. He wanted to pump me full of steroids again and I let him, much to my horror, that course of prednisone brought on drug induced Cushings Disease. Fun huh?

So now that I am moving to New Mexico I am planning on transitioning back to a raw lifestyle. What that will look like is any one’s guess! It is supposed to be very dry in NM (not the place I dreamed of being, by the way!) and if there is no more humidity and mold spores to occupy my airspace, I may be able to take a bash at being raw again.

This blog entry was an introductory of sorts to bring everyone up to speed on what my journey has been to this point, and the rest of my postings will be my journey forward…my struggles and my victories. I will also be posting recipes and my “take” on the raw food lifestyle.

Does Hair Make Us Women?

If we lose our hair do we lose the essence of what it is to be a woman? What exactly makes us female? Is it our hair and breasts or is there more? Does having a well defined rack make us more attractive and does gorgeous thick hair complete the package? It’s funny how for so long that’s what I thought. I believed my femininity was tied to my hair, and when I started losing that hair, I thought I was unfeminine, unattractive, undesirable and no longer bore the distinguishing features of a woman. It’s a dark place to dwell…because it changed me. We start to REALLY lose the essence of being a woman when we lose our humanity, our compassion, our mercy, our love and concern for others and love for ourselves. We forget who we are inside because we are so busy concentrating on our physical beauty. It can bring out the worst in us as we begin to envy every man, woman and child with a fuller and more healthy head of hair than ours. We look in the mirror for our beauty and it seems as though it is slipping away…but is it because of how our hair looks? Couldn’t it be that we don’t recognize ourselves anymore because we have forgotten what being feminine is really all about? Have I lost that winsome quality that others find so appealing? Have I lost that glimmer of excitement and zest for life that my children have always loved about me and my husband always thought was such a turn on? Am I no longer concerned about the feelings and needs of those around me because I think my beauty has faded and I no longer consider another person’s worth because I myself feel worthless?

What if in the quest for the perfect head of hair, I erase the essence of myself until all that is left is darkness where my eyes used to dwell and all distinguishable remnants of my personality are gone, forever replaced by a stark shadow of what I used to be? Shall I dwell on what was, what I looked like and how I used to be, or will I begin to reassess my life, and breathe new life into my being? What does it truly mean to be feminine? I found it interesting when I looked up the word “feminine” in the online dictionary, that I couldn’t find a single definition with hair as a governing factor (or even mentioned) of what it means to be feminine.

Femininity comes from within and it springs forth softening the world around us. So if we shave our heads do we become less feminine? Do we begin to look more like a man? I don’t believe we do, yet that is exactly what most women fear when they know they are going bald. I know I thought that way! I thought I would look ridiculous, unfeminine and maybe a little androgynous. But no matter how you slice it, we are women and can not look like a man if we tried!

An Alopecian woman can and does break the mold of what the world often perceives as flawless beauty and femininity. In the modeling world, where icons of beauty are made, it is the woman with a distinct unique “flaw” that actually makes her more beautiful. Whether it is a large nose, huge mole, outrageous lips, slightly crooked teeth or strangely provocative eyes, it’s these outward characteristics that can draw others in…and it is the same for the Alopecian woman. Her outward beauty is just the doorway…enter into her world, and she will give you a glimpse of wild beauty, seductive allure, brilliant wit, an open heart and she will love you like no one has ever loved you before. Not because she is desperate, but because of her strength. She is a treasure beyond compare, and she will keep you coming back for more. Her heart is tender, and her arms are always open. This is flawless beauty and femininity and it is the perfection of an Alopecian woman.

My Beautiful Son

Our family has been through the ringer over the last five years. My family and I had just move to PA from Michigan, and we had to try to fit the contents of an 8 bedroom house into a house that only had three bedrooms. Most of the stuff ended up downstairs in the garage. When we first moved in, we could smell a strong chemical smell in the basement, but we never asked the landlord what the smell was…as long as it didn’t smell like a musty basement we were happy to be there. Over the course of that year, my children were always sick, I got a nasty flare up of Lupus, I was partially paralysed again and I had just gotten married. What the heck was my new husband thinking? LOL
Here he was, married for the first time to a woman with four children, and now he was taking care of her because she could hardly walk, blew up like a balloon because of the steroids, and on top of it all, was going bald…not a very good start to a new life.
It was a hard year, and just as quickly as we moved in, the landlord decided that he was going to sell the house, and we had to leave. We found a new place, and started moving stuff out of the house…but when we got to the garage, we noticed that there was a very thick layer of mold all over our beautiful furniture. I had no idea that I was allergic to mold, so we did our best to clean it all off, and we moved out.

Two weeks after moving in to our new home, I stopped breathing. There was no warning signs of pneumonia, no fever, or even coughing. I just stopped breathing. I was rushed to intensive care where my new husband was told to say what he needed to say to me because I probably wouldn’t make it to see tomorrow. My husband and children were terrified. I did make it through the night, but it was a fight! I was determined to live.
They treated me with really strong antibiotics, and a week later, I was back at home. When I started feeling a little better, I went out to our new garage where we put all the stuff from the previous house, and all of the sudden I stopped breathing again. I was rushed back to the hospital, and we asked if it could have to do with the mold that was all over our furniture. The doctor said to get rid of all the stuff, and that I was probably allergic to the mold.
How could I do that to my family? We didn’t listen, and I went through another year of reoccurring pneumonia. My husband finally said we have to get rid of all our things and move. The new house was contaminated, and if I wanted to live to see my family another day, we needed to get rid of it all.

We had a big garage sale, and sold or gave away almost everything we owned. Over that next year, my children, my husband and me slept on blowup mattresses. My husband was constantly cleaning everything because when I went to the allergist, we found out that I was allergic to a whole host of things…not just mold.

I felt so bad for my children though. They lovingly sold all their belongings. Books, toys, treasured keepsakes, and things that they had for a long time. We had kept most of our clothes and a few other items, but that was it.
We have been slowly purchasing new things, and I say slowly. We started with the kids, so that they wouldn’t have to sleep on blow up mattresses anymore, and my husband and I put what we wanted or needed aside.
We are still recovering.

The other day, my son says “mom, when was the last time you went shopping for clothes or something nice for yourself?” I asked him why he was asking that question, because he knows what we have been through and why my husband and I don’t purchase things for ourselves. I told him there are bigger priorities than me buying clothing right now (even though my husband wanted to deck me out with a new look just last weekend) and that I had turned down my husband’s offer to get me some new things.
My kids have always been “savers”. They have their own bank accounts, and when someone gives money for their birthday or if they got their allowance they always put it in the bank. He told me that he wanted to take me shopping. I refused, and wanted to drop the subject. I loved his gesture, but I didn’t want him spending his money on me. I rejected a love offering. He pushed harder, (He’s 11 years old) and told me how much he loved me and wanted to get me out of those old worn out clothes. I started to cry. I realized that he wasn’t going to give in, and I finally agreed.

He chose to forget about the past and what he had to lose and instead chose to embrace the present and move forward to a better future. He wanted to give to me from his heart. I can’t imagine how it might have hurt him if I kept refusing his gesture to me. He has always thought long and hard and scrimped and saved to purchase things for me for my birthday and holiday’s…Gold, Jade and rubies…but the most precious gift I have ever received from him was his absolutely stunning heart! What a treasure. What a gift.
What a beautiful Son.

Do Men and Women Feel the Same Way About Hair Loss?

Do men and women struggle with the same issues emotionally when it comes to hair loss? I believe the they do. I asked my husband how he feels since he started to lose his hair, and this glazed over, pale look on his face said it all. Although I have been dealing with hair loss for the last five years, the thought that he could also now be dealing with his own loss has him stuck like a deer in the head lights.

My husband started to develop bald patches in his eyebrows, a quarter sized bald patch in his chest hair, and the hair on his head has started to shed quite a bit. My two younger children have experienced similar hair loss and we believe that they are also affected by the mold that we have in the house we are currently renting.

I wanted to understand what he was feeling about losing his hair, and it was so profoundly deep that he could barely bring himself to talk about it. He has accepted my hair loss and he has embraced loving me as an Alopecian woman, but will he be able to accept himself if his hair loss does not resolve itself? Will he begin to move away from me emotionally and bury his pain deep inside where I can not reach him? His hair is absolutely stunning and creates a softness to his face and features. It is natural for him to feel pain and anguish over losing it but my hope is that he will continue to stay open to me emotionally so that he can move forward with his life continuing to reach toward his goals, dreams and desires. Hair loss has a way of stopping these thing dead in their tracks for a time and the emotionally paralysing affects can bring us into a place of isolation, loneliness and despair.

I believe that men feel just as much torment over losing their hair as women do, it is after all a part of the human condition.

How Long Will This Go On?

When women first start to notice that they are losing their hair, they feel an overwhelming rush of fear come over them. There are so many questions that unfortunately remain unanswered while in pursuit of finding the root cause of our hair loss. We can become overwhelmed, isolated, withdrawn and completely undone as we begin to watch our hair fall on the floor, on our clothing, caught in the shower drain and stuck in the hair brush. We dread taking a shower because of the massive amount of hair that seems to shed following a shower or a bath. What used to be a pleasurable and relaxing experience turns to anxiety and fear and the horrid anticipation of the next massive shed. Our lives can come undone as we begin to think we are petty and vain for caring about how our hair is missing. We hear comments from those around us (and even from ourselves at times) stating, “It’s only hair!” but it is so much more than that. If it wasn’t such a big deal to lose our hair, then why all the commercials and advertisements for hair care products? Hair is beautiful, and it is a part of who we are physically, so when it departs from us, it can leave us feeling unattractive, depressed, fearful of intimacy, and obsessed about finding out how to get it back. When I became a member of The Woman’s Hair Loss Project Network, one of the questions most frequently asked by others was “How long will this go on? How long will I continue to lose my hair and what can I do to get it back?” When new women join our community which I lovingly refer to as “The Great Sisterhood,” they are first struck by the amount of support and tenderness from our many members. Each woman has her own hair loss story, but in the end, regardless of how much or how little hair you have lost the emotional toll and feelings are always the same.

We are all growing and changing…each and everyday. I never knew that I could have good female friends and have them love and care about me. It moves us into a better place. Each woman on the Network is my teacher and for that I am so grateful. I cherish each one and love to watch them grow and step out of the shadows of their pain and aguish.
Hairloss may have brought us together, but what we learn along the way is that there has been a part of us that was empty….a longing unmet that is filled to over flowing because we reach out to others and we also reach in to ourselves. We cry tears of pain and aguish, but over time, those tears turn into joyful tears of appreciation and amazement…because we are seen, cherished, loved and respected right where we are. For the first time in our lives, we don’t have to put up a front or perform….we are just free to be who we are inside.

The Women’s Hair Loss Project Network becomes the catalyst to rediscovering who we are as we reflect on other women’s thoughts and emotions poured out all over their blogs and in their comments. We see so clearly that we have so much more than hair loss in common with them and it brings a sense of balance and peace to our hearts and lives. It moves us in a new direction that reaches out to those who are hurting because we have been there and it gives those in the throws of panic and despair hope for renewed strength.

Other members of the Network understand when new members say ”I’m not as strong as you, and I know I will never be that strong”, because we were there in that place once. New ladies that sign up feel hopeless and lost, and we whisper softly and tenderly to them helping to restore their lost dignity, self confidence and self worth. We are so much more than our hair and being among these ladies teaches us that on such a profound level.

When we become more confident and gather more self worth in our being, we sit in amazement and wonder what changed? How is it that we became so very different from the first day we joined? The answer is that we dug down deep into our souls and we mustered up new strength we never knew we had, and while we were digging we saw all the faces of those who were just like us. We realize we aren’t crazy, we aren’t neurotic, and we aren’t worthless…we realize our own humanity and we cry with tears of joy that we are understood.

It is truly a beautiful thing to behold, and yet we are not impervious to falling into the mire again. We find that even though we may wallow for a time in the mire because it is a strange and old familiar feeling, our time in that place becomes less and less. Our strength also gives us the ability to step into the mire of another woman and yet not be sullied by its effects. We sit with her there and listen to her story. Sometimes we sit in silence and other times we speak tenderly and compassionately to her, all the while, reflecting on our own journey when we felt the same exact way.

We are a sisterhood of hope and change…of life and love…and of courage and strength.

Self Acceptance is a Hard Mistress

I always think of self-acceptance as a “Hard Mistress” if I am not married to it. In our lives during the times of hair loss, we may “mess around” with self-acceptance, but never fully commit to it. This makes self-acceptance a mistress instead a life long lover and partner. We make self-acceptance a temptress, seductive and alluring, but always some how just beyond our reach, calling on her when we are bored with what we have chosen to “marry” and be our life long partner.

I, like so many other people out there chose to “marry” the acceptance that the world and society said was right for me. She was that perfect beauty, ageless, flawless, always fun, carefree and rich. I chose her because everyone around me told me that she was worth it, and that I would be happy if I espoused her and embraced her. But on my wedding night I found that she was not at all what everyone told me she would be. She was cruel, harsh, demanding and full of contempt for my imperfections. She was impatient with my frailties and found them to be totally unacceptable. She mocked me for not looking like the “beautiful people” and said I was less than worthy when I needed her most. Her love for me was based only on what I could give her and how I could make her feel and she gave nothing in return. Her love was an illusion and her beauty faded. I began to avoid her, isolating myself and retreating from all her friends. I feared rejection from her so I kept trying to please her!
But along came this mistress called self-acceptance. She could look deep within my soul and see me for who I was. She had a way of making me feel so special and when I was with her time stood still. She was wise, caring and knew me so completely. When I gazed upon her, it aroused me to be a better person, filled with passion, drive, courage, and life. But she wanted more than I was willing to give and I wasn’t willing to leave the one I married. Feeling hurt, my mistress retreated and hid from me. One day I was filled with jealousy because I saw her with another lover! What could I do to have her back? How do I tell her that she means more to me than the one I chose to marry?

Shall I go home to the one I married, miserable and defeated? Or shall I find my mistress and take her once again and make a committment to love her and adore her…to cherish her and show her just how much she means to me.
She will accept nothing less than that, and that is why she is such a Hard Mistress.

To Shave or Not to Shave

Hair Loss Doesn’t Have to Hold Us Down!

So, what do you do when you begin to lose your hair? What happens when it starts to get so thin that it is not only noticeable to you but also to those around you? If we are feeling emotionally vulnerable because we feel ashamed of our hair loss, we can go into panic mode and just cover it up with a hat or scarf…but is that enough for you? Will that help you to move forward with your life despite losing your hair?

There are far more options available to us than ten or twenty years ago, and there is no reason for us to stay in panic mode for too long. With beautiful hats, scarves, wigs, hair systems, accessories and clothing, you can kick it up a notch and remake yourself. What kind of hair have you always wanted to have? What color? What style? We all do it…you know…wish we had someone else’s hair! When we have straight hair, we wish it was curly or wavy, when we have curly hair we wish we had straight hair. Blonde’s want to take a bash at being a brunette and brunettes would love to walk just one day in the shoes of a blond! Red heads usually love their hair, but then again EVERYONE LOVES THE WAY RED HAIR LOOKS! LOL

If you could remake yourself right now, what would you do? What would you wear? We spend so much time worried about what we can’t control, that we neglect and refuse to fix what we can control. We can get a chic new wig, wear some very stylish hats, buy new make up and accessories and become a diva if we choose to.

There is no reason for hair loss to hold us down. We can worry about our hair at home, but while we are out and about, we can look fabulous! The choice is ours and as Alopecians we have the right to not only change the way we look from one day to the next, we also have ability to blend in to our community or stand out.