My Hair Demons

I have been shaving off my healthy hair for six months now, and the thing that usually happens to me during the time that I shave it is the urge to grow it back. I enjoy being bald because I no longer fret about unhealthy looking balding areas and thin hair, but there will always be a part of me that wants to feel my hair. Other women I know who have shaved their heads have expressed feeling that maybe they don’t have the “peace” about it that I have…but what is peace? I think many believe peace is a warm and fluffy feeling with some sort of permanent smile plastered upon the face. That is not the peace I feel inside. My peace is acceptance that I have permanently lost my hair in many areas of my scalp, knowing full well that I could have another flare that will take even more hair from me and there is nothing that can be medically done about it. I have a peace that everything will be ok as a bald woman and that I look beautiful whether I have hair or not. This is my acceptance and this is my peace. But there is another side of me that will always want to grow my hair back. It doesn’t mean there is a lack of peace or acceptance, because I have also accepted that I still do have hair. I can live in both worlds…although the “bald world” is far less stressful for me emotionally. If I decide to grow my hair back, I know the consequences of such a choice. It’s bitter sweet at best. I can once again feel my hair, but how it will look and the texture of it will sadden me profoundly. It means constantly checking to make sure that my balding areas are covered and using a wide variety of products to make it look more full. Sounds like a lack of peace doesn’t it? It is a double edged sword and this sword cuts both ways. I see so many courageous women on the Womens Hair Loss Project Network who are faithful to do what it takes to keep the hair they have. I’m just plain chicken shit! I find it easier to keep it all shaved off and go out bald, than to stand in front of a mirror and attempt to have “normal looking hair.” I lack peace in that department. When I had hair, I could feel my blood pressure rise in the bathroom as I tried to make my hair look halfway decent. It would take hours of messing with it and then I was still not satisfied with the results. Since I also have non-scarring alopecia, I wondered if being out of the moldy house would cause those areas of my hair to grow back as well…but then I shaved my head again, there are the same areas of missing hair to contend with. I’m not sure what I will do at this point. The urge to grow it back is strong, and I guess by writing this entry I wanted to remind myself of the pain as well as the pleasure of having hair again. I don’t know if it is worth all the heart ache. Would I do myself a huge disservice by allowing it to grow? I know there are so many options for women who are losing their hair, from Derma Match that can be applied to the scalp, to wigs, toppers and hair systems. Yet all these options seem to pale in comparison to being bald. I find it hard to imagine myself applying something to my scalp to make it look like I have more hair and I find it equally difficult to imagine myself getting a hair system which is extremely costly and requires maintenance.

Hair demons are difficult to deal with and yet I continue to give them latitude in my thought life! If I do decide to allow my hair to grow back, I know that I will just end up shaving it off again during the next flare up of follicle death. I never know when the next flare up will come, but it usually comes once a year. Mold is a trigger to my flares, and with the mold problem corrected I wonder if I will have a flare this year. If my hair loss goes into remission it will be even more difficult to fight the urge to let my hair grow. There is only one draw back to being bald…not being able to feel my hair! There are so many drawbacks to letting it grow, yet the only reason for me to grow it is to feel it. I wish I had more resolve or strength to grow it back and accept that my hair is just funky, thin and balding. Instead I take comfort in knowing that I control whether I let it grow or shave it off and I continue to fight my hair demons with the hope that someday the urge to grow it back will be no more.