The Long Recovery Road

I’m starting to feel like my “old self” again instead of just feeling old! Since the end of October and into November 09′ I started to feel really run down. I was forgetting things easier, my mind was clouded and I could only do one thing mentally at a time. Being a multi-tasker online, I found it increasingly difficult to have more than one tab open and I would start to get flustered really easily. My heart would race in anxiety and depression soon set in. This was no ordinary depression where I would feel down on myself…no, this was an all out emotional assault inwardly. I would look in the mirror and see this old and very very bloated woman, “Who are you?” I would say to myself. Things got increasingly worse as I would feel my lungs crackle and holler. The looming fear was that I would get pneumonia again. Having almost lost my life to pneumonia more than once, my husband would lay anxious at night hearing my lungs from his side of the bed. Thoughts of me in intensive care, hooked up to a bi-pap machine and tubes coming out of me caused fear to set in. We only needed to wait a few more weeks until our insurance kicked in and I could get my five year pneumonia shot (I was due!) and onto the proper medication and steriods.  I was holding up ok, dealing with the crackling lungs and wheezing day and night when on Christmas Eve I took a turn for the worse. I could no longer stand up, I was weak and dizzy and my cough was getting worse. I pretty much ruined Christmas for everyone as I laid in bed through most of that following week. I got into urgent care where a one armed doctor refused to do a chest film and just prescribed Advair, Prednisone and Abuterol. My insurance had just kicked in and we were able to fill the prescriptions. I told him that I needed a pneumonia shot and antibiotics since I do know what pneumonia is like, but he wouldn’t prescribe it.

Not getting any better on the steriods, I saw my primary physician and he listened to my lungs. “Yup, you have pneumonia” he said, and he prescribed me the proper antibiotics as well as more Advair and also Singulair. During that time he also ran some blood work on me, and my thyroid came back low.

Since then, the antibiotics have done there job, and the medication I’m on for hypothyroid is really helping to get me back on track. I don’t feel like an old woman any more, and I feel my brain starting to function as it used to. I’m a little more sharp, a little more sassy and I look forward to the day when everything goes back to normal for me. I know recovering from pneumonia takes a while, but so does having a hypothyroid. I’m taking it day by day and moment by moment. The best part of it all is that the depression is totally gone. I beat myself up for a while there wondering why I couldn’t snap out of the funk I was in. I was never the type of person to become depressed or beat myself up emotionally. I’m glad those chains have been broken, and that the little butterfly gland known as my thyroid is starting to get the help it needs!

Bald Beauty of the Day

Two Months in the Land of Enchantment

We have been living in the “Land of Enchantment” for two months now, and I’m ready to venture out into the wilderness. Living in Rio Rancho has allowed me to acclimate to the landscape and it has also afforded me the opportunity to get lost in the wilderness last Saturday.

I have always stayed on major roads, but for some reason I was a little adventurous, and throwing caution to the wind, I thought I would be able to make it back home fairly quickly. I dropped Shoshie off at the library to finish up a project that she had to do for school, and because it was just a ten minute drive, I didn’t bother to pack a diaper bag or supplies. What was supposed to be just a twenty minute drive all together, turned into an hour and ten minute odyssey adventure into the one place I feared to tread. I traveled down a major road and instead of making a left as usual to get home, I reasoned to myself that since the road ran parallel to the one I usually take, I could just drive a bit further and make a left, finding a quicker way to reach my house and bypassing all the traffic of town. Simmi is in her seat, happy as a clam with her pink sunglasses on, jabbering away to music playing on the radio and I am wondering why as I drive, all the sudden the paved road turns to DIRT! We are now traveling on a bumpy dirt road and Simmi’s squeals and laughter from the back seat are making me crack up laughing. The dirt road is graded roughly so every bump can be felt and Simmi thinks she is on some sort of magic ride. She just continues to laugh and laugh, and I join in until I realize that there is no homes, no street signs and no one around for miles! My laughter turns to the sober reality that this isn’t a magic ride and it has the potential to be the ride from hell! Remember I had no diaper bag, no supplies, formula or bottle with me. At that moment I check my cell phone…SHIT! No signal either. Part of me was in a little bit of a panic hoping that the rough terrain I was now on wouldn’t cause a flat tire and strand me out in the middle of the desert. The directional I have in my truck said I was going west and at some point I would need to make a left and travel south for a while. But what road do I take? There were lots of other dirt roads out there but those roads looked so small and treacherous. I decided to just stay on the major dirt road I was on and it felt like I was traveling forever. Then the novelty of the bumpies wore off and that precious little thing in the back seat started to whine. Now I’m even more freaked out, hoping she isn’t going to have a full blown scream fest since it was her nap time and no bottle was available for her. Finally I see a large dirt road and I decide to make a left and travel down that one for what seemed like an eternity. Looking around at the landscape and the location of the Sandia Mountains, I knew that I couldn’t be too far from my intended destination. Sure enough I make another left and now I am sure that I will be ok. Simmi takes a whack at singing and notices that her voice reverberates as she sings. Amused by her new found ability to manipulate the tones of her shaking voice, she giggles and with eyes rolling, she is lulling herself to sleep. Then all the sudden I see the road and realize that we are gonna make it! Five minutes after hitting the paved road we came upon our street…AH! I was so relieved that we made it out of there without breaking down or having a melt down.

The adventure really forced me out of my comfort zone and into a place that is truly Enchanted. Although I was worried about breaking down and also about Simmi having a melt down, I was able to glimpse the beauty of soft hills, evergreens and the wide open sky. It was eerie being out in the middle of nowhere knowing that there was a possibility that we could get stranded. It made my adrenaline rush and my heart race. I kind of liked it! I saw some wildlife out there as well; a road runner and a coyote…GO FIGURE!

Over all, things are going well. The children are adjusting to school and have made friends and Simmi is just her cute adorable self. I am healthy but somewhat depressed without Dom here. We had hoped to have a nice little chunk of money from our tax returns to finish up what needs to be repaired in the house, but we will just break even. My plans for finishing the painting, the floors and other things that need to be redone will now have to wait. That is depressing too! I want to finish the kids rooms and restore to them the things I promised, and now it is going to take that much longer. They are truly fantastic children and even though they don’t like that they have very little in their rooms (not even curtains yet!) they are being very patient. I am such a visual person, and I find that I get depressed having to live in a place that can not even be finished the way that will make this house a home. I know that in time we will accomplish our tasks and fill this home with art, furniture and the things that the kids have lost, but reality sucks sometimes. Other than that, I really can’t complain. We have a roof over our heads, a semi-hypoallergenic home, beds to sleep in, some clothes on our backs and my husband still has his job. I would say with the state of the economy and the hard times that this country is facing, we are doing better than most…and for that I am very grateful!

Bald Beauty of the day:

I Miss My Husband

I feel I am at a loss these days. Being without Dom is becoming increasingly difficult and I find myself becoming depressed. I feel overwhelmed by all that I need to do here in our new home and I feel that he is missing out on so much because he needs to stay on the east coast for work. I miss him more each day, and even though we talk a few times a day by phone, it just isn’t the same as having him here to hold.

I was thinking of how much he means to me and while it helps me to get through the day, the reality of the situation sucks! As I write this, Simmi is whining in the crib with the most annoying cry I have ever heard. She is annoyed that I had to switch her to a different kind of bottle that doesn’t leak all over the place. All I can think in this moment is that I feel the exact same way as her. I just want to whine about the fact that Dom isn’t here and that there is nothing that can replace him. I miss the way he makes coffee in the morning for me and brings it to me all bright eyed and full of excitement to tell me about the day ahead. I miss after he leaves for work and going into the kitchen and seeing the huge mess he left behind of coffee grinds half spilled in the garbage can, the sugar spilled onto the counter, him filling up the cup too much and as he would stir everything together, it spilling all over the counter. Why do I love that? Sure he could have cleaned it up immediately, but he had more pressing things on his mind like being with me every moment he could before going off to work. I miss the way he used to blow up the kitchen creating fantastic meals for all of us and I loved watching him work his magic preparing gourmet meals or absolute flop meals. I smile thinking about how once he made Nacho Supreme for us and when he realized that there was no sour cream he improvised and used blue cheese. I know, I know, eeww! Blue cheese on nachos? Oh believe me it was horrible, but I loved the fact that he prepared that meal. I smile just thinking of how every one’s face looked when he said that he put blue cheese in the nachos. Then I laugh, then I tear up.

I love his deep voice and how he always tells me that he loves me softly in my ear or chases me around the house because “he just has to have me.” Most of all I miss his presence here and the joy he brings to not only me but also to the children. When he calls, they can’t wait to talk to him and tell them about their day or what has been going on in school. He talks to them everyday and it saddens me even more that he isn’t here to talk with them in person or work on some project together.

Being as resourceful as I am, and having the skills to complete the work that has to be done in the house alone, I find myself sinking into some despair. Sure I can paint, repair the heating system, change fixtures in the bathroom and kitchen, refinish the kitchen cabinets, switch out electrical sockets and light switches, install new light fixtures, put down new flooring, design what I want for the interior, repair holes in walls, mud, tape and finish walls…but it’s just not the same as having him here to share that with. Yes I can do ALL those things alone, but I love working with him and getting it done together. He is not only my husband and lover, but also my playmate!

I have tried to look on the bright side, and I have tried to convince myself that it will only be a little longer, but the reality creeps in and causes me to recoil and feel alone. Every time I go to do something, I think of how much he would love doing that thing with me. I love how messy he gets when he works and when he leaves stuff all over the place. He does great at painting a room and the finished product is awesome, but I always smile at the tracks left behind on the floor from splattered paint, stepping in it and tracking it around the room. Those are the small things that can get under other peoples skin perhaps, but they are the little things that I find so endearing about him.

I don’t know how women do it when their husbands are in the military or work for months away from home. I know that the cares and worries of the day tend to make time go by faster (or sometimes agonizingly slower) and I even know that there are wives that don’t exactly miss that their husband or partner is away because they are so freaking annoying. It’s like a little mini-vacation for them. But this man of mine is priceless beyond compare and I hate being away from him!

Each day that goes by the loneliness creeps into him as well. I hope that he will be able to come out to visit us in the next few weeks and I look forward to the day he comes home for good.

For any women that has a husband or partner that is away for long periods of time, how do you deal with it? There are plenty of things that a person can do to fill the time and create a diversion of sorts, but at the end of the day the pain of being apart is still there. How do you get through it all?