This One is for You Men
Ok men, I have some questions for you and since I’m asking questions, I would LOVE for you to answer some of them. Think about what I’m going to say and answer honestly. My questions are about the fears that many women who are going bald have about their men leaving them or not being able to find a suitable mate because they are losing their hair.
So…here it goes:
You meet a woman unexpectedly and you are immediately attracted to her. You get to know her and guess what, you fall in love. She is everything you have ever wanted in a woman and she adores and loves you fully. Everything is going great for the first two years and now you are even considering marriage. Then, all the sudden her mood changes. She is less intimate, avoids being touched and is constantly in the bathroom looking at her hair. She doesn’t talk to you about it because quite frankly, she is afraid that she is going bald and that you will leave her. In her panicked state, she becomes even more withdrawn and emotionally she is no longer there for you. She doesn’t look at you the same anymore. She doesn’t even turn you on any more. Is it her hair? Or is it her attitude? Your woman finally confesses that she has been dealing with hair loss for a number of years and she is frantic about taking that next step with you. Her fear has gotten the best of her…or has it? Does she in fact have something to worry about? Will you leave her if she loses anymore hair? She shows you the areas of thinning hair, and you smile at her and say “I don’t see what you’re talking about.” Now she’s crying because either she is crazy or you are just being nice. She wanted to tell you sooner, but didn’t want to lose you. Is that shallow of her or would she be right on the mark thinking that you don’t want her anymore? How would you men feel if you knew the love of your life was losing her hair? Would you feel helpless?
Once the cat is out of the bag so to speak concerning hair loss, it opens up yet another door…endless chatter about her hair loss. Her inner compulsion and obsessive behavior about how her hair looks is now out on the table and it seems that is all she wants to talk about. You look at her and don’t know what to say and she cries again. Now she is crying all the time! So you are turned off, and now you don’t want to even listen to her anymore. Is it her hair? Is it the way she looks? Or is it something else?
This goes on for days, and days turn to weeks and months and all the sudden you look back and two more years have passed. Are you brave enough to stick it out or are you having second thoughts about this woman? She doesn’t look like she used to, she certainly doesn’t look at you the way she used to and its hard to always be talking about the same damn thing day after day. She is constantly asking you to check out her bald spots. You can see they are getting much worse, but you tell her that you love her no matter what. She says she wants a wig, she wants a laser comb, she wants $15,000 worth of laser therapy, she wants a hair system that gets glued to her head that costs $5,000 and then $250.00 per month thereafter, she wants a hair transplant, she has read extensively online and is purchasing more and more products that promise to grow hair. Are you in it for the long haul? What would you do? Would you support her in her quest to look “normal” and if so what are your real feelings about all of it? Or maybe you would give her what she wants just to shut her up so that you can both go back to your lives the way it was before she opened her mouth and told you about her hair loss problem.
Nothing you do snaps her out of it. You compliment her and she rejects the compliment. She doesn’t believe you. Over time you stop giving those compliments. You want to take her out for her birthday, but she would rather stay at home in a dark room looking up hair loss cures. You are incredibly hurt at this point…but are you in it for the long haul? Would you leave her then? Why the fuck would you stay with a woman like that? She is driving you crazy. You still get horny from time to time and she won’t come near you and if you touch her she flinches or is really tense. Why do you stay? Are you a glutton for punishment? Or is there more?
More time has passed and now she looks hideous. You are afraid to tell her that she looks like a cancer patient. She tries so hard to make her hair look full, but at this point it is no use. She definitely needs either a wig or she needs to shave it all off. Which do you prefer? The wig? It doesn’t stay on all the time you know. How about the bald look? Now, you aren’t going to offend me if you don’t think the bald thing is for you. But how do you feel about it? Would you embrace your wife or lover bald? Look at her! She is dieing inside. All the beauty has left her eyes and she never smiles anymore. What do you do? Would you finally leave her? What if she wanted to finally be done with all the hair and she wanted you to shave it all off for her. Would you do it?
You both come to the decision to shave her head. You look at her sitting there in the chair crying as usual, but something feels so right about shaving it all off. You take out the buzzer and shave off the first piece. Damn that feels good huh? Its like you are taking away the one thing that has put a wall between you and your lover! All the sudden, she’s not crying anymore. Its strange, but you come around the front of her and she looks peaceful, serene…beautiful. The silence is deafening in the room and then you start the buzzer again. You shave the rest of her hair off and she is as calm as a Hindu cow. She feels her head, but you can’t wait to look into her eyes again and as you do, you see your woman for the first time in years. Her eyes are shining, she is smiling, peaceful, and best of all, she is looking at you the way she used to. You take the next step and pull out the shaving cream and razor. She is ready. You lather her up and take out the razor and begin shaving her head. Why does this feel so right? Why does it feel so good? Do you want to leave her now that she is completely bald? Or are you in it for the long haul?
You take a long look at her and realize that she is just as stunning as the first day you saw her. There are new feelings of love that are sparked…new passion ignited. Is it because she now has no hair or is it because you just shared something so intimate? In the moment of her greatest fragility, you treated her with tenderness and love…
How do you feel about her now?
That little story is typical in the life of a man who lives with a woman suffering with hair loss. Many women will be able to relate to the story, but how many men can relate too? Women are deathly afraid of losing their hair, but even more afraid of losing their man. Does the fear turn into reality? I believe it can, but not because she is losing her hair…its because of her attitude and self consumed obsessive behavior. I believe that men deserve more credit for the love they have to share. You men constantly amaze me with the amount of tenderness and compassion you have. I know about this because you see, that little story is similar to what my husband went through. Did he stay? Absolutely. Is he in it for the long haul? Most certainly.
Ok, here is another scenario…
You see an attractive woman with GORGEOUS hair…man oh man, she is the full package. She’s beautiful, funny, great body and she’s got you. She also has a secret. You know she is hiding something, but you don’t pay too much attention. Then one day she drops the bomb on you…she was wearing a wig for the six months you were dating. She decides to take that wig off and show you because she is all torn up inside about hiding it. You are stunned. Is it her hair? Or is it the fact that she didn’t tell you in the first place? She didn’t know if she could trust you, but now she is in love and wants to get it all out in the open. Her hair doesn’t just look bad, it is god awful! Chunks of hair missing and not just that, the beautiful blond wig once removed revealed the true color of her almost non-existent hair. Do you run for the hills? Is the wig important to you? She has taken the attitude “If you love me it shouldn’t matter what I look like, and if you can’t handle it, screw you.” You are scared. You have never seen such a thing before, except on old ladies in the supermarket that try to tease their hair up and dye it red to look “younger.” What do you do? Is she still the full package, or is she damaged goods?
Here’s two more for you, and then I’ll shut up:
You meet a woman and there is something “off” about her. You are so drawn to her eyes and smile that you don’t notice that she is in fact going bald. Its noticeable. Would you date her? There is something about her that has you intrigued, and standing there beside her is a woman that has a full, thick beautiful head of hair, and she is stunningly beautiful…but she isn’t intriguing. What do you do? Would you go with the one that was intriguing or the one that seemed “perfect?”
Would you approach and ask out a completely bald woman? You have never seen one in person before, and now you can’t take your eyes off of her. You are stunned that you find her so attractive. What do you do? Is it her lack of hair that attracts you or is there something in her eyes?
Bald Beauty of the Day
Kyle on Wed, 6th May 2009 10:23 pm
Hi Angela i am Charlie’s fiance, and I figured you and many of the other ladies out there would appreciate knowing what is actually going on in the head of a man watching his girl go through all of this.
Before i start i just want to say i am only speaking my feelings on this and it may or may not be what every guy out there is going to think.
I can understand the fear that every women on this site must have when it comes to finally revealing their deepest darkest secret to the one that they love i couldn’t imagine how tough it must be to be placed in that situation. The best way i can put it from a guys perspective is that if he really does love you he won’t think of you any different. I know from experience the first thing thats going to run through your mind when i say this, are the 1000’s of what if’s… “What if it gets worse, are you going to find me less attractive?” “What if you see other girls with full beautiful hair, aren’t you going to be more attracted to them and less to me?” and so on and so on and the answer i honestly have for every single one of them is that no. not even slightly. My only regret to Charlie telling me her secret is that she didn’t tell me sooner. Ever since she has let me into her world i feel closer to her than ever would have been possible before. I feel like she has let me into her deepest secrets and i am completely able to open up to her now. Im not going to lie, its true there are time where i feel like all that we talk about is hair, but i try to remember that if i were going through something that was effecting my life that much thats all i would want to talk about too. One of the harder things that me in the male role has had to go through is the trust issues. Now i know that if you arent feeling the best about yourself it may lead your thoughts to stray and you to question your man. However, if you have opened up to your man and he is completely supportive, and has stuck by you this far, it probably as in my case means that he doesn’t and wont ever see you any differently because of that problem, and if he does that, much like i feel about my girl, he probably thinks higher of you and loves you more than he ever would anyone else.
Now we haven’t got to the point of shaving her head yet, but i have been to several places for consultations with her. Every time we go i can see the worry in her eyes, and i know that is that doubt creeping back up. But to be honest i find the consultations quiet relaxing, and helpful. I feel like she is finely getting some answers to the 100’s of questions she has, as well as getting some reassurance to some of my answers. Every time we go i know she looks back into my eyes and knows that none of this make me think any less of her.
Ill finish with one more little experience that we have had. Charlie has been using spectral dnc for months now and every time she goes to apply it at night she goes and locks herself into the bathroom and would barley let me walk by the hallway when she was in there. After several months of this she decided to let me in one night to help her apply it (my job was “official drip wiper upper”) but as nervous as she was i found it once again like she was letting me in instead of pushing me out and we actually both spent most of the horsing around and laughing while we did “the job”. I have tried to help a couple of more times since then but we both have come to the conclusion that me and my clumsy self get in the way more than it actually helps, so i dont really help that much anymore. However, now when she goes to do her nightly ritual she leaves the door open, and i can tell that she feels more comfortable when she comes out.
As for the actual wig process i am excited for it because i know that she will actually get to have the hair that she has always wanted, and nothing makes me happier than seeing her happy. To the contrary of what i think most of you tend to think in the beginning this horrible problem can actually bring you and your man much closer and really acts as a window to show what kind of guy your guy really is. I know that i now respect and love Charlie more now than ever, and i feel closer to her than i would have ever thought possible.
i know many of you may have follow up questions and i would love to try to help answer them.
Best Wishes
Kyle
Angela on Wed, 6th May 2009 10:36 pm
OMG Kyle! Beautifully said! I love it. Thank you so much for your response. You and Charlie have such a deep and abiding relationship and you brought me to tears as I read your heart poured out all over my blog.
I can’t wait to meet you and have you and Dom get together. You and he are so much alike.
You two are blessed to have each other.
Angela on Wed, 6th May 2009 10:37 pm
LOL, that last line sounded like I was talking about you and Dom…I hope you know I was talking about you and Charlie.
Brent on Thu, 7th May 2009 10:24 pm
I am hoping that I am not out of place. I adore bald/shaven head look on women. I find the look MORE feminine. Baldness exposes a long supple swan-like nape, smallish round head, gentle delicate ears, and curves (which women are known for) at base of neck up to occipital (sp) bone, curve of ears, and roundness of a silken head.
I understand that women w/hairloss are sad and that society’s norms expect women to have long hair, but, to this reader a bald/shaven woman is exotic beautiful and rare.
This post is of a subject that I keep somewhat private because I do not know any women with hair loss or any bald or shaven headed women.
Yet I find the look exciting and lovely.
Sincerely,
Brent
Angela on Thu, 7th May 2009 10:55 pm
Hi Brent,
Thank you for your lovely comment. While society’s norms may expect a woman to have long hair, I think that as more of us step out and be who we are, it will be come a great option for women who suffer with medical hair loss or for women who, like yourself, enjoy the look of being cleanly shaven. I agree that it is very feminine and you stated it so very eloquently.
Thanks for your feedback.
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer on Sun, 10th May 2009 4:11 pm
Speculation is pointless. We never know what we’re going to do until we’re in a situation.
Secondly… Sometimes a person who is suffering turns away from those who offer support. Sometimes it’s the person who is suffering that leaves a relationship/situation.
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..Haiku, Hiatus, and a Sonnet
Angela on Sun, 10th May 2009 6:12 pm
Hi Jon,
Its all speculation…yes. More than 40% of women suffer from some sort of hair loss, so its not like a fluke that ‘maybe’ would happen. No woman ever expects to lose her hair, and yet what seems like such a small thing can be more devastating than loosing all your money, your job, your home and even family members. It can be that bad. Since all the examples above can happen, and we can speculate on how we would handle that those situations, why not something as shattering to a woman as hair loss?
Your second point is true on the deepest level. When women want support and ask for it, often times they still turn away. It is out of self preservation and embarrassment that they do it. In the end they feel they have nothing left of themselves to give and then leave. Its a lonely and dark time, and if the man in her life can put up with her pancreatic platitudes eventually she will snap out of it, come to a place of acceptance and move forward with her life. Its not easy…that’s for damn sure. LOL
Ram Bansal on Thu, 14th May 2009 3:32 pm
If other things are Ok, hairloss must not be problem for any man. After all baldness comes to men more often than women. True love starts from minds to hearts to bodies and hair loss is insignificant. Unfortunately, modernity has forced its will on humanity where love often starts in bodies then to hearts and may be then to minds. This may make the hairloss important.
Ram Bansal
Vernon on Mon, 1st Jun 2009 8:38 pm
Thank you for this chance to speak. On you site one of the first links is Acceptance That is it in total. Answering you last question..Meeting a blad woman. Yes YEs yes And Yes! It is about her being accepting of her self. Storng women are a turn on. Big time. It is not the hair or lack there of; it is not the size of her breast or her (dare I say) ass. For myself, it is about a womans self confidence. Her self happiness. The problem is that all too many women can strutt their stuff and be really strong as long as they are Not in a realionship. they start comparing themself to then other women that are breathing and walking on the same planet they are.
Men all so have to try and be “the man” that f’d up idea that even is raised in a cloister a male will pick up and try to be. Which then starts song that never ends…Whats wrong with her” “Does he still think I beatiful without/with (fillin the blanks)”
When I saw your picture my first response was “my god she is stunning. I hope she is Ok.” Most of the bald females I have know just cut and shaved their hair because they “could.” Only one “lost her hair” She had hair she could sit on. We played fun bedroom games with her hair. When she fianlly found out about her cancer she went away. When I found out about it I was sad for her she wa smy friend. I got to see her before she left tera. I still loved her.She was a shell of her former self…but the best pictures of her I have, are the two I received after she died. One she has maybe an inch of her in her natrual color.(she always died her hair red..RED) The other picture she is blad. In both she was happy and full of her own self… Stay beutiful Angela!
christy on Thu, 11th Jun 2009 11:41 am
Thanks for opening the dialogue. I have alopecia and have been to support groups and dating is a common concern/topic of discussion.
christy’s last blog post..pañuelo of the day: Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Stayci on Fri, 12th Jun 2009 3:33 pm
Hi Angela. I’m not a man but I couldn’t help but leave a comment after reading through this particular post. I got choked up just reading your entry because I honestly have never heard anyone relate to the way I feel before. I agree wholeheartedly that good, supportive men do not get enough credit for the hell we put them through with our hairloss. I’m a new blogger and a newlywed searching for that acceptance of myself that you seem to have found. I’ve taken some big steps towards being more open and honest with my husband about my fears and struggles but its almost like as soon as I take a step or two forward, I take 10 back. I’m ashamed to say that I keep my head covered around him (and everyone else) all the time and he hasn’t seen it since right before we got married (nearly 7 months ago). I’m hoping that through writing about my hair struggels (like I do about everything else) I can start to make some net, sustainable progress in having a healthy mindset. Anyway, thanx for your openess and sense of humor. You’ve really encouraged me. And I will be sending him a link to this post since I’m sure he’ll appreciate much more than I have. Congrats on the new hair growth. Your absolutely beautiful…long hair, short hair, bald..doesnt matter. Its your spirit that makes you exquisite and radiates onto your face. Don’t ever lose that.
Stayci’s last blog post..Deliver me from my inner whore…
Angela on Fri, 12th Jun 2009 3:50 pm
Hi Stayci,
Thank you for your kind words.
I would love to hear from your husband as well. Talking about our hair loss and the effects it has had on our lives and the decisions we make, is definitely a great first step in creating a new and dynamic life.
Immanuel on Fri, 12th Jun 2009 9:24 pm
I was referred to this post by my wife, Stayci.
Even though I feel like I have a decent grasp on the subject from personal experience with her, it was good to hear another perspective.
When I met Stayci she was not yet wearing a wig or hairpiece on the regular. At the time her hair was not very thick and some days depending on the style I could see more of her scalp than others through the style. Even still, thanks to working closely on the job I got to know her and, though I was attracted to her physically, it was “her” and not simply her appearance.
So yes, I was the guy that knew early in the game that the hair thing was not perfect and still pursued a relationship.
Over time, among other conversations we spoke about her hair and how it got to the point that it currently was and how she felt about it. Long story short, she was frustrated daily with styling it, the way it grew or didn’t and later ways to hide it. Then and still now she asks me various “what if I looked like…” questions that allude, but never directly to, her feelings about her appearance.
Don’t get me wrong. As I man, I think there is an amount pride that I wanted to feel when walking with his girlfriend, woman, wife, etc.. The natural tendecy is to think of your spouse as a extension/refelection on yourself.
With that said, although it did cross my mind that someone would in her absence address the issue, I think I was more concerned of how it affected her mood, self-confidence, etc…
I think men and women are attracted to self-confidence. So it wasn’t directly the issue itself that bothered me it was the low self-esteem that was connected to it.
I took a very difficult path as her then-boyfriend now husband. As a christian, I didn’t want to lie to her or myself. As her man, I didn’t want to make her feel worse about herself. Besides that, I knew that most of the compliments I gave her in all honesty she did not believe even if she believed I meant them.
We talked about her cutting it off and I suggested that she didn’t. Not because I didn’t want her to be bald, but because I felt it would have been a decision based on frustration.
She began wearing wigs or getting extensions and I almost never saw her hair again. It did help in public because she was more confident in her appearance. Of course, someone would ultimately compliment her ‘hair’ which would later turn into a conversation about it; for a while even in more intimate times she wore a wig. There were times I’d love to ‘run my fingers through her hair’; however, it wasn’t hers and it would have made her more self-concious as well as remind me that it wasn’t hers (especially by tough).
For a while she was focused on growing her hair while publically wearing wigs with the hopes that it would ‘look decent’ enough to not need the wigs within a certain time frame. When she wasn’t happy with the results after some time, she cut it short.
For our wedding she got a more expensive wig, similar to those that celebrities used. Looking at the pictures, I really liked how that looked. More importanly, I believe she did too. She was almost terrified about being the center of attention for an entire evening; however, she was beautiful inside and out.
Now when we are home she ties her head up, which I actually like the way that looks. When we go out she puts on a wig. I’d like for her to be comfortable enough with me to allow me to see her hair as is. For now, if she ever needs to re-wrap her head with scarf or something, I respectfully don’t look.
The moral of the story….
I am continually sympathetic towards women and the unreasonable physical expectations placed on them by society and/or pop culture. This goes beyond just hair but into everything potentially physically ‘attractive’ about a women literally from her hair folicles to her toenails.
Guys indirectly feel this too becuase there’s a tendecy to want others to respect that you have a woman who’s physically ‘all that.’
I really feel that it shouldn’t matter nearly as much as it seems to and ultimately it’s the intangible things that caused me to marry her. There are plenty of attractive women that I never considered for marriage.
I tip my hat to your husband cause I know that was not a easy ride.
Love is an ability; it is not a feeling; not an attraction; not a intimate experience. However, we want all those things from our spouses. I know she wants me to love her for her (and for all of her) and not in spite of her. However, I want her to love her for her as well.
lola on Fri, 7th Aug 2009 12:11 pm
hi,,,
Iv had alipecia totalis since a baby im 20 now.
Since a young girl i wished of meeting the man of my dreams that would love me for me an not judge me for having no hair.
Not al men are bad i found mr right and he loves me with or with out my wig
Dean Jones on Sun, 23rd Aug 2009 7:40 pm
I have several female friends who have Alopecia. This seems to be more common than I would have ever thought. All of them are Phenominal women. I have never dated a woman with a bald head, but I would, but it’s the woman that makes it in my book not her hair.
Mark on Wed, 7th Apr 2010 5:05 am
Hi I am one of a few or maybe more than a few men who has always loved the bald look on women.I think there are beautiful Blond and brunette Women,but if you take away the hair description you are left with a beautiful women,a beautiful bald women,not one described by her hair colour,but the real women.
baldladie on Mon, 29th Nov 2010 7:50 pm
beautiful photo i have been shaved bald over the years and now i am permanently bald by choice thanks to laser hair removal i even had eye brows removed’ i adore the alopecia look so much i personally believe being a bald women is much more feminine’ i have never regretted my choice!!!!!!!
David on Fri, 8th Jul 2011 6:28 am
As a man, I’m in two minds about this.
I’m very attracted to bald women, and I would love it if my wife were completely bald. However, I know that she would hate being bald, and I don’t think that she’d want to be bald even to please me.
So how would I react if she started to go bald? Would I encourage her to shave, to wear a wig, to shave AND wear a wig outside the house?
It’s a shame that by and large it’s men who go bald naturally, and are seen as the sex who ARE (and should be?) naturally bald, because I believe that, with their delicate features and more attractively shaped heads and necks, baldness actually suits women better.