My Hannah Bear Turns 19!

Has it truly been 19 years since Hannah was born? Damn, I am old! But I remember the day of her birth like it happened just moments ago. Every moment of her entry into this world is etched in my mind forever. She was born at a very dark and difficult time in my life. I won’t go into the details, but I will tell you that she was meant to be here. Difficult and trying circumstances can bring forth some of the most marvelous miracles one can ever witness. When my days were the darkest and I walked around in shock from a particularly traumatic event, there she was kicking inside of me, reminding me each day that life is so precious. On June 24th 1990 I was taken into the hospital because she was over due. I was huge and had no idea just how big this child would be as she made her entrance into my world. With my father at my side, well, kind of…he was hiding under the blanket in a corner of the room, saying “Oh God!” every time I had a contraction, I pushed and pushed, and pushed some more. Something happened though…she got stuck. She was such a big baby that her shoulder got stuck behind my pelvic bone. I was rushed into the delivery room, where the doctor proceeded to pull his gloves as far up his forearms as possible and he told me that he would have to put his arm up there and turn her so that she could come out. Huh? Ok, I know the baby is large, but so was this doctor’s hands and arms! Geez, I could not believe he did that. After she came out, the doctor and nurses looked at each other and started to laugh. They were amazed that this child came out of me vaginally. Hannah weighed 10 lbs. at birth and she was 23 inches long. At first they didn’t know if she was a girl or boy, because she had three large rolls of soft beautiful fat that blocked them from seeing that she was a girl. Because she stayed in the birth canal for well over a half hour, her head and face were very distorted. She reminded me of Jabba the Hutt. Her eyes were so swollen that it took a day before she could open them. For anyone that has given birth to a big baby, you know also that the calorie intake for these little baby monsters is HUGE! Hannah nursed so much, that by the end of the second day I had LOTS of milk. Instead of losing weight in the hospital, she actually gained 2 1/2 pounds. I had saved all the clothing I had from when Gina was born, but the outfit that I had to take her home in was too small. Hannah was the size of a three month old when we left the hospital. I took her home in a hospital tee-shirt, diaper and hospital blankets.

Her skin was the softest skin I had ever felt. It was supple and mushy and she smelled so good. As the weeks went by, her face formed correctly and what emerged was a most beautiful baby. Deep brown eyes, soft dark skin and an appetite that never quit. I nursed her all the time. She wasn’t happy unless some part of my skin was in her mouth. A pinky knuckle, my chin or a breast. She wouldn’t allow anyone to hold her and would scream unless I was holding her, nursing her or she was in the swing. Hannah crawled early and was walking by the time she was nine months old. Until she was nine months old, she barely ever smiled or laughed. I felt like the Dairy Queen as the months went by until finally the nursing was so out of hand that I had to wean her. From the time I weaned her, she started to smile, laugh and was great around other people. It was like I had a completely different child. Something was different about her though…she didn’t speak. Of course Gina, her big sister was there to “express” what Hannah may have wanted. Gina would bring Hannah into the kitchen holding her hand and say “Hannah wants some juice”, and I would ask Hannah “Do you want juice?” She would nod “Yes.” I knew she could understand everything we were saying and all her developmental milestones were completely normal, except for speech. It didn’t concern me because in my heart I knew it would only be a matter of time before she would speak. She didn’t disappoint either. At around 2 1/2 years old, while we were driving some where in the car, we heard this small, raspy voice in the backseat. I turned my head to see where it was coming from, and there in her car seat was Hannah speaking. She wasn’t just speaking, she was quoting bible verses. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart” was what this child was saying. When she saw that I was witnessing this, she shut up. She knew how to speak…she just chose to be silent all that time.

Hannah and Gina did everything together. When Gina was four years old and Hannah was two, we lived in an apartment on the third floor above a store. I went down stairs to get the mail, and Gina took it upon herself to “get help” because they were left alone. Gina was wearing a skirt with no shirt on, Hannah was wearing a shirt with no underwear or pants on…they BOTH put MY shoes on, Gina took Hannah by the hand and brought her down the back stairs of the fire escape to my neighbor’s house, one flight down. Gina knocked on the door and my neighbor answered. Gina is holding Hannah’s hand and Gina proceeds to tell the neighbor that they were left all alone and she doesn’t know where her mommy is. The neighbor heard me walking back up the stairs and opens the door. She says, “You have to see this, can you come in?” I said “Sure.” I walk into her kitchen, and there standing before me are my two little girls, each half dressed and wearing my shoes. I busted out laughing and realized at that moment that Hannah would follow Gina anywhere.

Hannah loved climbing into my bed while I was sleeping and then she would fall back to sleep. While her sister was up running around making things or getting into stuff she shouldn’t, Hannah was more content crawling under the covers with me and curling up there. Often I would be awoken by her when she was four years old when I would hear this soft, raspy voice say “Good morning mommy, good morning.” She was just this pure sweetness that I wanted to eat up. You couldn’t help but fall in love with Hannah. She had a knack for making grown men cry too. On many occasions, I could catch different men that we knew, tear up as they looked into her eyes. She had a soft quality about her that just made everyone melt.

Hannah loved to create and imagine. I used to have a craft room in my basement where we lived in Michigan, and that child would just rummage through all my craft supplies and material so she could make something. I’d see her walking down the sidewalk with the stroller and inside it was our dog…all dressed up in something she made.

Hannah has always been and always will be a tender soul. Beautiful to the core, she exudes love, compassion, joy, creativity and a thirst for life. She is a musician…self taught. This girl can sing too. We would hear her practicing in her room over and over, but through a door. One night she invited us to come to hear her play. We were all blown away. True to the spirit of a hard core introvert, Hannah shines when she performs. Writing her own songs and melodies, she captivates her audience with rich, soulful, gut-wrenching lyrics. Sometimes dark, sometimes melancholy, but always pure and true to who she is and what she is feeling in that moment. Having her in my life is miracle each and everyday.

I miss her. Plain and simple. She lives on the east coast, and HOPEFULLY (hint, hint, Hannah) she will make plans to move out here too. She has a life she loves and a boyfriend that treats her well…but she doesn’t have her Mama out there. It’s been almost six months since I last saw her and I think it’s hard on us all. We were together last in December and we took some pretty cool pictures on my computer…here is a slide of us all goofing off. Of course Noah will kill me for showing this because his hair was all messed up. Heehee. Hannah hounded me for days to take these pictures, so I thought I would share it all with you: