Happy Holidays

I thought I might amuse you all this holiday season with a few other JibJab creations…ENJOY!

Oh, and one more because I LOVE Weird AL!

Have a very safe and awesome Holiday!

Just a Quick Hello!

We have been super busy these days putting flooring down and getting things done around the house. I just wanted to tell you all that I am still alive and kicking! My dad sent me this cool viral video that I thought was awesome…

Enjoy!

My Darling Daughter Hannah

Today has been a very busy day for us and Simone has been keeping me on my toes. The phone is ringing off the hook and of course I can’t get to it because I’m completely tied up taking care of Simmi…so I let it ring. I had a feeling it was Hannah calling me and I felt so bad that I couldn’t answer the phone in that moment. After putting Simmi in for a nap a few minutes ago, I jumped online and lo’ and behold there is a slew of emails from my darling daughter. In these emails there are pictures attached with her rambling on about how she finally has an ass. The picture to the left is of her and her man. Yes, she takes after me with her sense of humor and she had me cracking up. I had to post the following pictures and her explanation of what they mean:

This is what Hannah emailed me:

“I put together a beautiful commentary for you.”

How to use spandex underwear when your ass gets to big…

Picture 1: Look like Mickey Mouse..or simply a geek

Picture 2: Look cute without anyone knowing you’re wearing underwear on your head

Picture 3: Look slightly psychotic

Picture 4: Totally pass as a ninja

Picture 5: To freak people out

Picture 6: Hostage situation

Picture 7: Ghetto head wrap

Picture 8: A neck band that makes you look classy

Picture 9: A head band that not only makes you look like an idiot from the 80’s but also makes you feel tough.

“To show the world how your mom influenced you to make anything multi-functional and a complete dork.

I love you”

Bald Beauty of the Day

My Husband Turns Thirty

Tomorrow April 2nd, my sweet, sexy and gorgeous husband turns thirty. I know you are probably all doing the math right now right? If I’m forty, uh, then he must be ten years younger! Yes, I married a younger man.

My kids like to joke about the age difference with the following statements:

“When you had Gina (my oldest), Dom was only in the third grade.”

“When you had all four of us, he was just graduating from high school.”

“When you were a freshmen in high school, he was only four years old!”

Yeah, yeah, they like to razz me about the age thing. It does seam weird right? Its strange to me that when I hit puberty my man was being potty trained, singing “the wheels on the bus go round and round,” and playing with his little hammer and toys. How bizarre. When I lost my virginity he was in the first grade, finger painting, singing songs and learning how to use a pair of scissors.

I have to thank his parents though for creating him and raising him to be the man he is. He truly is my better half, and life would be dull, lifeless, bland and very lonely if he was not sharing his life with me. I feel totally blessed to be married to this wonderful person. I just want to go back in time and meet him when he was so young. (Don’t get all perverted on me now!) Have you ever looked at your mate’s pictures from when they were young and thought to yourself “how fun it would be to play with him/her and talk to them”; to go out on the playground for a few hours, make deals and switch lunch, and talk about what we are going to be when we grow up.

While that would be fun, nothing compares to being groped in a pair of “Big Girl Panties.” Yes, this man wanted to chase me all around the house in them. His love and devotion to me never seems to fade. It grows stronger with each passing day. It is an amazing feeling to be loved in that way. To be adored, cherished and held in the highest esteem. It is what every woman dreams of. I didn’t know it was possible to have a relationship with a man and NOT argue at least once a day. They say it’s supposed to be healthy to argue and that if you aren’t having any fights there is something wrong with your marriage. I don’t know who thought up that little beauty, but I prefer the marriage I have now to any other relationship I have ever been in. There is something very freeing for a woman when she knows that she is being listened to AND heard. When she has a thought or an opinion, she isn’t talked down to or treated in a condescending and demeaning way for expressing that opinion. Being free to grow as a woman is important, and feeling that it is ok to make mistakes as well as to be supported in that growth process makes her feel even more secure in her relationship with her man. No mind games, no trying to get his point of view across so that he can be right, because he realizes that we are on the same team reaching for the same goal…to love and understand one another. Its priceless, not just for our relationship, but for our family as well.

For his birthday I am giving him a few cyber gifts, since he is living 2,000 miles away from me.

A pair of Siamese Love Twins. There are two sides of me and this way he can have both at the same time!

Tango Lessons, because it has always been a secret passion and dream of his for us to do the tango:

Looking into my crystal ball, I see him home with me soon! And when he gets here, we will celebrate his birthday the way that all couples should celebrate…in their birthday suits!

Stop by his site and wish him a Happy Birthday! Here is the link:

The Knipfing Report

Happy Birthday Babe! I love you so much and I can’t wait till you are home for good!

Bald Beauty of the Day

South China Sea Intrigue

A few days ago I heard an interesting story on CNN about how the USNS Impeccable was poking around the South China sea, when all the sudden some Chinese ships started to pursue them telling them to leave the area.

The Pentagon claims that the Chinese ships were harassing the Impeccable and even said that they have “increasingly aggressive conduct.”

So what did the Chinese do exactly? Well, according to the Pentagon, two Chinese vessels were in close proximity to the Impeccable, waving their flag and telling the Impeccable to leave the area. (That sounds so aggressive huh?)

What happened next is what caught my attention. It seems that as five Chinese vessels came closer, they also started to throw pieces of wood into the water. OOO!!!!!!! Wood was thrown in the water! AND because the Impeccable didn’t quite know what the intentions of the Chinese vessels were and contending that it was an aggressive move on their part, the Impeccable decided to take some fire hoses and spray the Chinese vessels with water. I started cracking up when I heard this next part…get this…the Chinese crew members decided to strip down to their underwear while being sprayed with the fire hoses! Oh-My-God! This is aggressive? This is dangerous? To whom? You know what…if the Chinese were in international water somewhere near a protected area of the United States, you better bet your ass that we would have our military out there trying to get them away from our protected interests. Why do we feel that it is ok to take surveillance ships near the coasts of other countries and collect data, and if that country finds it threatening and decides to warn us to leave, we find that aggressive?

I am amused, I guess, by the thought of Chinese men stripping down to their skivvies and dancing around in the water being sprayed at them. Maybe there is more to this story than we are being told, but on the surface it looks like China made it pretty clear that they wanted our people to leave the area and we got pissed off. It also makes me wonder if we are too arrogant as a military power. Is it essential that we be over there sticking our equipment where it doesn’t belong? Yet, if another country were to do that to us we would have our panties all up in a bunch? Do we need to lighten up a little? Or is the U.S. correct in it’s assumptions that China is increasingly aggressive towards us over there?

I would LOVE to see a video of all that transpired! You know they must have a copy of it over at the Navy!

Bald Beauty of the Day

Take Me to Your Leader

Who is the leader of the Republican party? Is it fat cat Rush Limbaugh, king of the conservative talk show radio waves, or is it Michael Steel?

I don’t really have an opinion about Rush Limbaugh because personally all he is to me is an entertainer like Howard Stern. Yes, I said Howard Stern because he is the other shock jock for which so many are loyal fans and listeners. Can you imagine if Democrats started calling Howard Stern the leader of the Democratic party? It is absurd to me that some would say that he is the leader of the Republican party…he is just another entertainer tickling the ears of those who think he is “oh so powerful.” Is he powerful? Does he energize the base? Well, what do we mean when we say “energize the base?” Is it the “base of the Republican party” or is it just “the base?.” Here is the ‘other’ definition of “base” in the online dictionary:

base ² (bs)

Bald Beauty of the Day

Good News and Big Girl Panties

OK, I have some really good news to report. A few days ago when I was talking to my man, he told me he spoke to our landlady and she will NOT be selling the house. He had a heart to heart with her, and by the end of the conversation she said that she would continue to rent to us. (I don’t know why I’m putting this picture of myself up on the left!)

I’m very relieved that we won’t have to look for another place to live. I had so many big plans for this house, so my mind is shifted back to completing the large task at hand–painting, repairing and replacing the floors, and designing the kids rooms. We don’t mind making the investment as long as we can stay in the house for at least five years.

I just thought I would share that with all of you. I’m giving a big cyber hug (((HUG))) to all those who have kept us in their thoughts and prayers through this past week. I felt like it was the week from hell.

Now, the title of this piece is “Good News and Big Girl Panties” so by now you are probably wondering about those big girl panties right?

Well…

A few weeks ago my husband and his mom decided to go shopping for some clothes for me and kids. They wanted to send a nice package filled with lots of goodies and much needed clothing. Dom asked about the sizes of the kids and I, and I gave him all the information. Now, over the last two months I have been busy getting clothing needed for the kids and I didn’t bother to buy anything for myself. Basically I have one pair of jeans, a few white tee-shirts, about five pairs of underwear and some socks…oh, and a jacket. But that’s it. A really nice lady here in NM donated some yoga pants and shirts to me, and those are great for around the house, but I can’t wear them out. Anyway, Dom was excited to get me some new clothes and I usually trust his judgment…he has great taste in clothing and shoes.

Last week the long awaited package arrived, and filled of excitement, I ripped open the box. His mom lovingly wrapped each our things and put tags on everything (it was like Christmas all over again). The kids were in school at that time, so I just opened the stuff for Simmi and I. Her stuff was so cute, and mine…uh, well, I stood there smiling and trying to process what I had just received! The first thing I grabbed were two pairs of jeans. I unfold them and WOW! BELL BOTTOM JEANS! I don’t mind a boot cut, but I started to chuckle at these things. In my mind, I started to see myself as the late Latin Diva Selena. Damn the bottom of them were wide! No problem though, because I could just cut the bottoms and make carpi’s out of them. Then I take out the next thing; polyester beige grandma pants with a complete elastic waist! Oh my, now I’m laughing. There were also tee-shirts which were very nice but what took the cake for me was the underwear. I told him not to get anything too sexy since he was out with his mom, but that I wanted something nice. I didn’t pay attention to the size of these things because I was looking at the picture on the cover and wondered what the hell he was thinking even getting this kind! Here is a picture I took of the package:

I’m wondering if he even looked at the STYLE of underwear that he chose for me! I would never wear underwear like that. Maybe he was busy looking at the hot chick wearing those underwear since she is the only one in the universe that could pull off such feat and still look good!

Since I was really in need of underwear (you can never have too many) I decided to open up the package and see exactly what they looked like. I took a picture of that too, just so you could see just how huge these things are! He must have gotten the wrong size for me, because when I opened them up, I never bothered to see what size they were….UH…..size HUMONGOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

I put this fantastic pair of panties on top of Simmi’s stroller so you could see the sheer magnitude of these things! I can cover the stroller with them!

Just for shits and giggles I tried them on. Let-me-tell-you, that when I say these things were big on me, I mean HUGE. They literally came up past my ribcage right under my boobs! I even went over to the mirror just to see what I looked like in them. I nearly pissed in those things laughing so hard!

So it got me to wondering if he wasn’t really thinking about the chick on the cover of the underwear box, but instead if he was thinking of the two hot ladies that he told me he hooked up with in a moment of weakness, because to tell you the truth, he must have been thinking of them when he bought me those Big Girl Panties! Here he is with his “lady friends.” I was suspicious after seeing those panties, so I hired a private detective to see what Dom was up to. I got the picture on the right in the mail from the private eye.

Tonight Dom called me to tell me that he is coming home to see us in two weeks and that was such a great surprise. It has been almost two months since I last saw him. I have an awesome night planned for him when he gets here! Wine, candle light, figs and olives, and of course all I will be wearing are my new big girl panties!

Twenty-Five Random Things About Me

I was over at one of my favorite blogs The Melindaville Blog and I just got a kick out of her “Twenty-Five Random Things About Melindaville” that I wanted to do one too! I could relate to so many things she had on her list…so here’s mine:

1. When I was only 2 1/2 years old I ran away from home. I remember it very clearly. I was wearing a diaper, had shoes on already, and I was wearing a turtle neck shirt. That’s all. Anyway, I wanted to find my dad who I loved but no longer lived with me. (My parents divorced when I was about two years old). SO, do you remember way back in the day those zipper up round hat boxes with the single handle? Well, I unzipped it, stuck my teddy bear in there, a couple of diapers and other things I loved, and walked out the door, wearing only a diaper, shirt and shoes. I walked and walked and actually got onto the freeway (in Long Beach California!) and just kept walking. I was picked up by a woman and taken to the police station. I could have been kidnapped! I’m so glad she turned me in.
2. My mother was and still is till this day a heroin addict and prostitute.
3. I very rarely went to school before the age of 9, and then my dad won custody of my sister and I.
4. I am dyslexic
5. When I was 11 I refused to hold my dad’s hand or hug him in public because I feared others would think he was my boyfriend.
6. I once had a dream that I was in heaven talking with God, walking in a gorgeous garden, and all the sudden I saw myself sleeping as I hovered above and realized I wasn’t in my body. I was 13 at the time.
7. When I was six I stole money from my mother to get my ears pierced. I can’t believe they did it without a parent’s permission.
8. I read out loud semi-confidently when I was 25 years old.
9. I absolutely adore a plump, ripe, fresh fig.
10. I have a phone phobia (except with my kids and husband), and I always make the kids answer any calls.
11. I’m a documentary and movie whore….I will do anything for a good flick!
12. I’m a horrible speller.
13. I used to attempt to go to school from K-3rd grade, but would always get sent home either for having no shoes on, or lice in my hair. I exacted my revenge for not letting me participate by heading into the girls bathroom and making wet paper towel bubbles, filling them with soap and smacking them onto the ceiling of the bathroom.
14. When I was five, I stole a whole collection of barbies from a neighbor, because I was pissed off that her mother actually bought them for her AND played with her.
15. My mom taught me the fine art of switching price tags in a store, and I was well on my way to becoming a refined grifter if my dad never rescued me.
16. I always wanted to be a doctor and research scientist so I could come up with a way to hydrate and give proper nourishment to those who are suffering with malnutrition in other countries. Bloated bellies and shoving porridge down a persons throat doesn’t provide what they truly need to thrive.
17. Horses love me. I don’t know why, but they just usually come to me and start licking me and smelling me. Unfortunately I’m allergic to horses, but I just can’t stay away!
18. I get really distracted by people who blink too much.
19. I hate the sound of mixing tuna and mayonnaise
20. I love NPR news but I can’t stand Carl Kasell’s spit sounds when he talks.
21. Crickets find me fascinating. I don’t know why, but when I feel like I’m being watched, all I have to do is look down and there is a cricket looking up at me. They aren’t even afraid when I come near them. Mice do the same thing…I never understood the attraction.
22. I have a love affair with the rain. I love everything about a rainy day…the smell, the wind, the gray skies. There is something so special about how it falls and nourishes everything around us. It figures that I would move to the one place that has 300 days of no rain.
23. I am always fascinated by the uniqueness of people.
24. I don’t like to eat food off of a plate that isn’t white.
25. After my dad won custody of my sister and I, and we lived with him, it took a while to wipe the criminal out of my blood; while in plain clothing one day at the age of 10, I got a coffee can and solicited all the neighbors on the block for money for girl scouts. I have never been a girl scout. I thought it was a good idea at the time, and I collected quite a bit of money. My dad found out and literally kicked my butt all the way home after making me go to each house and return the money and apologize. That set me on the straight and narrow from then to this day.

Well, that’s my list. I just couldn’t resist.

Bald Beauty of the Day

Am I the Only One Confused About Politics?

Am I the only one that is confused about politics? Just when I thought I had seen it all, out comes Bobby Jindal, the Republican governor from Louisiana speaking to the American people as though we were all four years old. Granted, it was late…but come on! Could that little bedtime story be anymore condescending? As I sat there trying to comprehend what he was saying and put some sort sense to his “tall tale,” I couldn’t help but wonder if he was hypnotized by one of his fellow Republicans. He looked like a zombie, yet that wouldn’t be too far from the truth would it? It seems to me like Republicans are the walking dead these days. Oh, and there was something that struck me about his bedtime story speech that I just can’t get out of my head. He said something that I have heard before from other Republicans- “We haven’t even had a chance to read the bill.” OK, maybe I’m a little bit slow, but that bill has been available for them to read! It’s available for EVERYONE to read! As a matter of fact, I quite enjoyed reading one little tiny section of the 680 page bill (which I’m sure has gotten bigger since the last time I read it)…here is what tickled me:

“Page 12 Sec. 1109. Prohibited Uses

None of the funds appropriated or otherwise made available in this Act may be used for any casino or other gambling establishment, aquarium, zoo, golf course, or swimming pool.”

Wow! Those are the prohibited uses for funds appropriated. What will we do now? Those aren’t the only things prohibited in the bill, but I had no idea that casinos, aquariums, the zoo, or swimming pools were such a big temptation for misuse of our tax dollars. I could see golf courses being a bone of contention to our represented officials and maybe this is the real reason that Republicans have become the party of “no.”

Well, it’s just a thought anyway. Now that’s not to say that Democrats don’t play golf or go to zoo or anything, but I think something has to be getting under all these Republican skins, and maybe Bobby Jindal was their test pilot for how powerful hypnosis can be in persuading the American tax payer to come over to their side. Other attempts had failed so maybe this is their last resort.

Beyond the speech Bobby gave, it seems to me that he and many others like him haven’t read the bill. Is this an admission of guilt? We all know how important doing something about the economy is, so what are we paying them for? Does this sound right to you? How can they argue about something they haven’t read through? And why would they inject false claims of spending that isn’t even in the bill that they haven’t even read?

I never understood how each party could toot their own horn about how they have the answers. Both are equally guilty of making sure our country is run straight into the ground. They both want to spend, spend, spend, and yet there is justification on both sides about why their spending ideas are better. Dems want spending on programs that can create jobs, give health care, and improve the safety of our roads…Reps want lots of tax cuts and decreased spending. But it’s not decreased spending…it’s the same damn thing. OK, so we get the tax cuts…for what? So that the tax payer can go out and SPEND IT. What’s the difference? To me, neither party has the magic solution. I certainly don’t have a magic solution, but if I did this is what I would do:

• Find 50 statewide banks that are fiscally responsible, treat their employees well, do not practice predatory lending and have a grasp on risk management when it comes to lending money. After finding this kind of establishment, I would cut flood those banks with money and cut off all the big banks and allow them to go into bankruptcy. Let them figure it out.
• Then I would restructure the tax code and bring it back to a flat tax. Everybody wins with this one.
• Then I would get rid of the IRS and the Federal Reserve. When was the last time this private corporation was investigated?
• Last but not least, I would put a new water filtration device in the Pentagon, White House, Capital and any other watering hole where paranoid public officials gamble with the lives of our troops and others abroad. There must be something in the water that makes them all paranoid, thinking that we are always in “grave danger”…or maybe they just believe everything that is on the TV. I’d stop the war and leave other governments to fight their own battles.

Well that’s what I would do. It’s a simple list, coming from a simple person. You know, the kind that needs to be spoken to like I am in the 1st grade.

Bald Beauty of the Day

My Husband Cyber Dissed Me!

I’m flustered! I’m aghast, perturbed and grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Today, my incredibly sexy man calls me to say hi and see how my day is going and as we are talking, he says the funniest thing to me:

“One of my friends on Face Book loves your website.” At first, I thought “wow, how cool is that!” but then I couldn’t stop blinking and my mind went blank. Why, you may ask? Well, in that moment I realized my own husband dissed me on Face Book! I was silent for a second, and then for two, and he asked me what was wrong. I started grinning and said “What do you mean one of your friends on Face Book loves my website? How long have you been on Face Book?” He starts laughing and said that he told me all about how he signed up and found all his friends…UH, OH NO HE DIDN’T! OOOO! I told him that he said no such thing to me! He knows I’m on Face Book, so I asked him why he didn’t add me as a friend? Now he is laughing wildly, and me…I’m still grinning from ear to ear. I wanted to hear his defense.

Why didn’t he add me? So then I asked him this next question…”Did you add your mom to your friends list?” He paused for a moment and said “My mom is on Face Book?”  Oh, his brothers and ALL his friends from high school and college are on his list (even old girlfriends)…but not me or his mother? What’s up with that? Here is a screen shot after I went to Face Book to look him up:

Nervously he is still laughing and confessing that he has no idea how he could have let this slip by. I told him there was only one thing I could do about such a major slip…exact my revenge on him in my blog!

When I couldn’t hold my laugh in any longer, I let out the most sardonic laugh and he knew in that moment that I was actually going to write about this little “incident.” I razzed him for a while about it and he was relieved that I thought the whole thing was hilarious. I wanted him to stew for a bit, thinking that I was really upset about it, but he couldn’t see my face on the other end of the phone line! I couldn’t stop smiling. It was such an innocent mistake (or was it? hmm? LOL), but I wonder how many wives who’s husbands are away for long periods of time would look at it and wonder if he was trying to hook up with an old flame, or find a nice warm body in his area.

I trust him with all that is in me, and one thing that I know about relationships is that it is important for our mates to maintain good solid friendships. He actually has quite the social life out there in Maryland, going to concerts, hanging out with friends at the bar, meeting up with long time friends and I wouldn’t have it any other way. He was feeling guilty last week because I am all alone out here with no support system, friends or family. Then he asked if I had a problem with him going places and doing things with his friends, I said “Oh hell no, are you kidding me? Someone in this family has to go out and have some fun!”

I adore that man! YUM!

My Interview With Mr. Revell

My delightfully delicious blogging hero Bobby Revell asked me five very interesting questions. I had to really sit and ponder the interview questions because some of what I say may be true and the rest is a bunch of bullshit!

If you want to participate, read the instructions on the bottom of this funky article.

1. You are single in a night club dressed to kill and having fun, but not many guys around. Three equally handsome men ask you to dance: one with no eyes, one wearing a skin tight leopard patterned spandex jumpsuit, and one outwardly bisexual billionaire gothic emo. Which one do you say yes to and why? Would you possibly make out with him? More? Less?
That one is easy! The man in the leopard patterned spandex jumpsuit would be the one for me. Here are my reasons for choosing him over the man with no eyes and the outwardly bisexual billionaire gothic emo:

• How the hell is the man with no eyes supposed to find me? Is he supposed to “feel around?” Nope, not for me, just because he’s blind doesn’t mean he gets a free pass to feel me up to “see me”, I don’t care how handsome he is. I’m sure he’d be good in bed, but I have my sights set on a bigger fish to fry! (no pun intended)
• The outwardly bisexual billionaire gothic emo would have to keep on walking because, no matter how much money he had, would probably end up leaving the night club with his female partner after introducing him to the blind guy! My life is complicated as it is, I don’t need a crying emo banging on my door at 3:00am looking for JoJo! So I’ll pass on the goth…which leads me to the cream of the crop…
• The man in the tight leopard patterned spandex jumpsuit is the end all be all for me. I’d say yes to him, because any man that would show up in a tight spandex jumpsuit must either have a great sense of humor or a few loose screws! If he has a great sense of humor, he’s not going to take himself too seriously, and if he has a few loose screws he isn’t going to take other people too seriously…I win either way with that one! Would I make out with him? Most definitely…shit, I would probably even go back to his place just to see what he would dress me up as and what kind of toys he has to play with.

2. If you could fight one famous person–serious fist fight–who would it be and why It can be someone currently living or someone in history?

If I could have a serious fist fight with one famous person it would be Angelina Jolie! Why? Well, can you imagine the money for charity that would be made off of an event like that? People would order Pay Per View just to see if we get it on AFTER we beat the shit out of each other.

3. What advice would you give to your fifteen-year-old self if you could go back in time?

I wouldn’t go back and give my fifteen year old self any advice, but this is what I would say:

“Angela, you won’t always be introverted, withdrawn and keep to yourself. When you are older, you will find your voice, find the greatest love of your life, have a best friend (my soul sister) you would lay your life down for and you will realize what is really important in the grand scheme of things…your family and other people.”

Then after I tell my young self this, I will be busy trying to calm this 15 year old hyperventilating adolescent girl down, because she just realized that when she is 40 she will be a bald woman!

4. Make a little story out of this blurb I will give you. You may add to the beginning or the end, or both.

“The friendly technician, who was only moments ago making jokes with me to calm my nerves, was now rushing by me with a large envelope in his hands. He wouldn’t allow his eyes to meet mine on his way by. So yeah, I knew”

Ok, here’s mine:

Early on Monday morning as I was getting ready to interview for the job of a lifetime as the new “Dear Abby” my thoughts kept bringing me back to Saturday night when I left a night club called “The Feel Around” with this guy who asked me to dance. I think his name was Robert, or Bob or Bobby but I can’t for the life remember because I was dazzled by his tight leopard spandex jumpsuit. I don’t know what surprised me more about that night…his wacky personality or my reckless abandon! I’ll spare you the sorted details of what transpired, but needless to say, we took photos. Here he is after we left the night club Saturday night:

As I was thinking about how much fun we had that night, my attention was snatched for a moment by a technician that looked so familiar. I realized that this man was the blind guy from the night club! Even though I was sitting with about 50 other people also applying for the position as “Dear Abby,” I risked my place in line and approached him. Sure enough, it was him! He was a really funny guy and made me feel more at ease about my impending interview.

I was curious about how his night went after I introduced him to this horrid openly bisexual billionaire goth emo, and he told me that the two of them hit it off. I have to admit that I felt bad, but hey, I really liked his girlfriend JoJo and the blind dude was the perfect decoy to snatch her away from the pitiful emo. But I digress…

Finally it’s my turn, and they call my name. The secretary leads me to the boss’s office and to my surprise, guess who is sitting there waiting to interview me? Yup, you guessed it, the billionaire goth emo from Saturday night. My heart started racing and I could feel all the blood rush from my head. Why was I so nervous? Well, I never took JoJo back home and decided to keep her for myself! At that moment I knew there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would get hired. He tried to stay objective, but I could see he was just getting more angry as the interview went on. Here is a picture of the boss…we took this picture Saturday night after we whisked JoJo out the back door.

After the interview was over, I went back out into the waiting area because the ad said that they were hiring on the spot. I sat looking at all the eager applicants vying for the same position when I spotted the blind technician from across the room. Quickly, I rose up out of my seat like my ass was on fire, and rushed over to talk with him. But the friendly technician, who was only moments ago making jokes with me to calm my nerves, was now rushing by me with a large envelope in his hands. He wouldn’t allow his eyes to meet mine on his way by. So yeah, I knew I didn’t get the job.

5. If you were granted one magical wish, what would it be? Please explain.

If I were granted one magical wish, it would be that my grand daughter Simmi would be able to speak and properly express herself. Simmi has a speech disability as well as not being able to properly communicate non-verbally. Most of us go through life taking our ability to speak for granted. We can say yes when we want something and no if we don’t. For some it takes a life time to find their own voice, but what if you can’t even utter words properly, and when you shake your head “no” you really mean “yes?” The simplest of requests go unmet because you can not say you are thirsty or hungry or wet and cold. Your life is a series of misunderstandings to which you become so frustrated. Cognition is not the problem, but neurological signals that are crossed and all mixed up. Yeah, if I had one wish, it would be for her to open up that precious little mouth of hers and tell me what she needs and wants.

If you haven’t done this interview yet and would like to, follow these instructions:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Bald Beauty of the Day

Happy Birthday Mr. Savo!

One of my favorite humor bloggers is Mr. John Savo of “The Authoring Auctioneer“. His wit, satirical rants and sarcastic views make me smile each and everyday.

Recently John wrote a piece called “I hate Christmas and Jesus does too” and in this entry he says:

“Yes, I hate Christmas.  Gross materialism and the pretense of gift giving aside, I despise the holiday for another reason: My birthday is December 28.  As a child, I always got screwed.  When my brothers and sister would receive more gifts than I on Christmas morning, my grandmother would always say to me, “Remember, you have a birthday coming up.”  No shit.  Really?”

So…John, I thought I would get you a few special things for your birthday:

Rudolph and a few of the elves decided that enough was enough, and turned Santa in. Although he is now out on bail, he will be arraigned on elf and reindeer abuse charges. Currently, Rudolph and a few of the Elves have been put into the Witness Protection Program and we are hoping that they will not change their minds about testifying. I thought this mugshot would brighten your day!

Next, since you have been in the auction family business, I thought some fine art would be in order:

I didn’t want to throw culture out the door, so I got VIP tickets for you and your wife Nikki to the premiere of your brand new opera “Apocalypse Smurf” with yours truly playing Smurfette!

To read John’s list of Inappropriate Musicals just click the link!

And finally, as a memento of the glorious day Santa’s career came to an end, I pulled some strings with the FBI and an inside source gave me the following magazine from Santa’s secret stash of porn! Since you are an auctioneer, I am giving you this rare copy of “Bush Tailed Beauties of the North Pole” to commemorate the event. I am sure that someday you will fetch a pretty penny for this great keepsake.

Happy Birthday Mr. Savo, thanks for making me smile everyday!

Santa Gives Me the Creeps!

I have tried to be a good sport at Christmas but I could never get past the whole Santa fascination. I don’t understand why this fat man in a bright red suit should take credit for all the money we spend for gifts at Christmas time. Come on now folks, am I the only one that sees that Santa is trying to steal my thunder? Why should he be praised, revered, respected and feared? HE DOESN’T EVEN EXIST! Why do parents teach their children to believe in this creepy figure? Is he the role model I want my children to emulate? What are his values? Santa doesn’t have any values. If he did, he wouldn’t be telling parents to make their children believe in him. So value number one with Santa is “lie to your children.” Santa would have you string your children along for six or seven years until someone like one of my kids comes along and blows the whistle! Then you’re screwed, because your children just found out that you are a liar! Now, don’t go blaming my kids because you chose to lie to yours. I never taught my kids to believe in the fat man. It wasn’t easy dealing with them either at Christmas time! My daughter Gina used to beg me to just “let her believe in Santa” because if we said we were sorry to him and believed hard enough, he would come to our house and give really nice gifts. She wasn’t satisfied with Hanukkah gelt and dreidel spinning. Little chocolate coins weren’t enough for her and neither was getting one gift each night for eight nights. Over the years, we got a Christmas tree, lights, presents and all the pretty decorations for the house. But I drew the line with Santa. I even allowed Santa figurines and ornaments to be displayed. My daughter Shoshannah used to call Santa “Papa.” I swear it seams to be encoded in a child’s DNA to utter the word “Santa” in November and December. I was a good Jewish mother, baking Christmas cookies, wrapping gifts and getting ready for Hanukkah. I saw no harm in lighting up our house and letting the kids have some fun. Here is a picture from the “good ol’ days” when my two oldest girls were just five and seven years old. Gina is on the left and Hannah is on the right.

Looking at this picture, is it any wonder Gina was asking for Santa to come and bring her some “good gifts?” She cried and begged all the time for Santa to come, yet Santa creeped my kids out too! You should have seen them in the mall. We were shopping, and my kids just looked terrified at the thought of sitting on Santa’s lap. AND HELL NO, I would never have attempted to put them on his lap in the first place! That creeps me out even more.

Value #2 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to eat milk and cookies all the time day and night. When was the last time you saw Santa sitting down to a nice salad or bowl of fruit?

Value #3 that Santa teaches children…it’s perfectly normal to be shouting “Ho Ho Ho.” What is that, some sort of inside joke? Is he calling children around the world whores? That wouldn’t be too far from the truth though would it! Think about it, what is the job of a hooker? She performs and then she gets paid. Is it any different for children at Christmas time? What do parents around the world say to their kids? “If you aren’t good, Santa isn’t gonna bring you gifts this year! Now stop whining and go clean up your room.” In other words, they put out and then they get paid!

Value #4 that Santa teaches children…get someone else to do your dirty work, and then take all the credit! Is Santa hard at work making toys and wrapping them with loving care? NO, he gets his slaves to do it. Elves do all the work, and he also gets parents to relinquish the joy of giving to their children and saying it was was from Mom and Dad. I wonder how he pulled that one off!

Value #5 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to be cruel to animals. Did you really think that Rudolf’s nose was red because he was “special?” Santa has been abusing Rudolf for a long time and to make matters worse, he didn’t even care when the other reindeer picked on him. Rudolf was so scared of Santa’s rage, that he never told a soul that Santa beat him daily. He just kept telling the other Reindeer that he fell down the stairs.

Value #6 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to live in isolation out in the middle of no where, shacked up with a woman, a bunch of slaves and some animals. Where is Santa’s family? Does he even have any? A mother or father…maybe some sisters or brothers? How about neigbors? What the hell does Santa do all year long? We know he doesn’t make toys, and he only works once a year, which leads us to…

Value #7 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to only work one day a year! Wouldn’t it be great if we all only worked one day a year?

I don’t know about you, but I sure am glad that I never allowed Santa to be a role model to my kids. I want my kids to be upstanding members of society not liars, fat gluttons, whores, animal abusers, hermits or lazy assed unemployed people that only work one day during the holiday season just so they can get a discount.

Christmas is coming once again, and what a beautiful time to tell your children what a blessing they are no matter what they do…for good or bad. Children are a joy and they should know that they are loved and appreciated by us as parents. Will children really be missing out on “the magic of Christmas” if there is no Santa? I don’t think so. The wonder of Christmas will still be there for them, and it will be so special because every gift was thoughtfully wrapped by mom and dad.