My Son turns 12 Today

Noah Michael was born to me on December 30, 1996. He was the long awaited and deeply anticipated man child that I had been longing for since I was very young. I know that sounds a bit strange, but some little girls dream of someday having a family. My youngest daughter does it! She has already planned out her life (which kind of changes each year…thank god) and she told me what kind of life she wants and how many children she will share her life with. I always dreamed of having a son, and I mean literally dream about it. I had a dream twice that I had a son named Andrew. Then, later on in my life I had a nightmarish dream I had a grown son named Kevin and we were in some sort of war with bombs going off all over the place! I walk and talk in my sleep (alot!), so as I was knee deep in that dream, I was also acting it out! It was so realistic…I could hear the bombs being fired, the house was transformed into a bunker, and I am searching through my own house (sometimes on my hands and knees) for my son. (Side note: when I walk and talk in my sleep, I usually don’t remember it, but if I am awakened mid-dream, I remember the whole thing vividly) Where was I? Oh yeah…SO after searching through my house in the dark for my son Kevin, I make my way up to my room, which in my dream looks nothing like my room, and there laying in the bed is a man sleeping. Remember! I’m still asleep! I see this man laying in the bed (Noah’s father) and I rush into the room and I jump right on top of the man, grab him by the balls and demand to know what the hell he did with my son Kevin! Of course Noah’s father was startled by the fact that I just jumped on him, and grabbed him by the balls…what he said to me in that moment shook me from my dream mid-bombs blasting and gunshots being fired. He said, “Who’s Kevin?” Oh my God! I woke up in that moment and remembered the whole thing so clearly. I sat there laughing, but I don’t think Noah’s dad thought it was very funny!

As I was pondering what I was going to share about having a son, that story came to mind and I had to reflect on why that dream is so significant to me right now. I believe that mothers and sons share a unique bond that is some how different than what we share with our daughters. It isn’t a deeper bond or even a special bond…it’s unique. With my girls, if they got hurt I was always in control of my emotions and would tend to their needs if they were seriously injured. It was like breathing…easy and natural. They could be spurting blood out of their neck and I would be very calm. But my son on the other hand is a different story! If he fell, cut himself, passed out, banged his head, skinned his knee or anything else no matter how large or small, I was about to have a nervous break down. I don’t have a clue why his little presence would evoke such emotion in me. I would literally hold my breath if something happened to him. In those moments all rational thoughts fly right out the window and I turn into this neurotic weirdo.

When he was born I fell madly in love. My feelings have not changed about him in the 12 years I have had the pleasure of knowing him. He is kind and loving, soft and sweet. Yeah, I’m getting all gushy and mushy right now, and maybe even a little teary eyed, but I am so proud of who he is and who he is growing up to be. Noah is filled with compassion and mercy and always considers the feelings of others. He will often times even put the needs of others before his own. His heart is so big and beautiful and his affection towards me never wanes. He is protective over his older sister Shoshannah, and he watches over little Simmi like a treasure. He is even protective of me. When we are out somewhere and he notices that men are ogling me or flirting he gets so pissed! Being bald evokes some very interesting responses from men, I must say. Noah sees it all the time if we are out somewhere, and it makes him furious that other men are smiling and giving me “that look.” Yes, he is very keen on “the look” and very perceptive. He’ll say to me as we leave a place, “Why do men always think you are hot? I hate that! You are my mom and they don’t even care that we are right here with you!” He’s right! LOL

I love him for all that he is. He is a writer as well! I posted a piece he wrote called “The Grapefruit” because I loved how he described the full bodied experience of eating a Ruby Red.

What do I do as he grows and wants to have a girlfriend? Geez, I have a hard time with that one! Whenever he brings up the subject of having a girlfriend I feel like I can’t breathe and I turn into this neurotic freako. What’s wrong with me? I told him very clearly and emphatically that he was NOT allowed to date until after he was married. The first time I told him that, he actually looked at me like he believed me! God if only I could keep that one going. Hey, there are ways that he can date AFTER he is married…I could join an ultra-orthodox Jewish community and decide to have an arranged marriage with a nice virginal Jewish girl from France! Or I could become Chinese and find a matchmaker. Oooo, then there are those mail order Russian or Filipino brides! That would work right? If I start right now, I KNOW that there is bound to be a baby girl that I could get him hitched to…now, now, don’t go down that road! Hear me out on this one…if I get a new born baby girl and she is promised to him, then I have a good 21 more years of blissful mother and son-ness, right? That would TOTALLY WORK! It means that I wouldn’t have to worry about the whole dating thing until he was married off at 32 years old. I can totally dig that.

By the way, I hope you know that I am only kidding about becoming Chinese! I don’t think that is possible. Right about now you must think I am the strangest mother on the planet; you might be right! I am writing this at 12:47am and he will be reading it most likely at about 10:00am, and this whole post is for him! I am razzing him on his 12th birthday.

Noah my boy, I love you more with each passing day. I love your smile, your warmth and your awesomely (I think I just made up a word…is “awesomely” a real word?) warped sense of humor. I know that you will appreciate this post, because your mama is totally nuts! I hope I made you smile this morning of your 12th birthday. You are my treasure, my joy, and my favorite son! You are unique, talented, fun, smart and hilarious when you try to “take your mama down” showing how strong you are! You are strong in so many ways and I admire you. I’m proud to be your mother.

Happy Birthday!

Noah was attacked by a monstrous parrot while we were at the Baltimore Aquarium. They warned us not to get to close to the damn thing, but he just had to pet it. It almost ate him alive!

Is he the cutest thing or what?

The picture on the right was taken when Noah was only four years old. As you can see, he is wearing his super-duper orange floaties! Now, that would be fine if he was at the beach, but he is in a sand box playing. He loved his floaties, but I wonder if he thought he was gonna drowned in the sand? humm? I guess you can never be too safe!

Happy Birthday Mr. Savo!

One of my favorite humor bloggers is Mr. John Savo of “The Authoring Auctioneer“. His wit, satirical rants and sarcastic views make me smile each and everyday.

Recently John wrote a piece called “I hate Christmas and Jesus does too” and in this entry he says:

“Yes, I hate Christmas.  Gross materialism and the pretense of gift giving aside, I despise the holiday for another reason: My birthday is December 28.  As a child, I always got screwed.  When my brothers and sister would receive more gifts than I on Christmas morning, my grandmother would always say to me, “Remember, you have a birthday coming up.”  No shit.  Really?”

So…John, I thought I would get you a few special things for your birthday:

Rudolph and a few of the elves decided that enough was enough, and turned Santa in. Although he is now out on bail, he will be arraigned on elf and reindeer abuse charges. Currently, Rudolph and a few of the Elves have been put into the Witness Protection Program and we are hoping that they will not change their minds about testifying. I thought this mugshot would brighten your day!

Next, since you have been in the auction family business, I thought some fine art would be in order:

I didn’t want to throw culture out the door, so I got VIP tickets for you and your wife Nikki to the premiere of your brand new opera “Apocalypse Smurf” with yours truly playing Smurfette!

To read John’s list of Inappropriate Musicals just click the link!

And finally, as a memento of the glorious day Santa’s career came to an end, I pulled some strings with the FBI and an inside source gave me the following magazine from Santa’s secret stash of porn! Since you are an auctioneer, I am giving you this rare copy of “Bush Tailed Beauties of the North Pole” to commemorate the event. I am sure that someday you will fetch a pretty penny for this great keepsake.

Happy Birthday Mr. Savo, thanks for making me smile everyday!

Our Grandbaby Simone

Simone (we call her Simmi) is our first grand daughter and light of our lives. She is 18 months old and has suffered since birth with multiple health problems and extreme pain. Life has not been easy for my little bundle of piss and vinegar, but I do all that I can to make her life more enjoyable.

Imagine coming into the world, and just a few days after coming home from the hospital, your skin starts to blister up and then dry out and fall off. The pain of touching her skin would send her into blood curdling screams. This was the beginning of my journey to find the correct medical attention and comfort she so desperately needed. Taking her to the dermatologist brought grief as the doctor looked at her for five minutes and proclaimed “She just has severe eczema, put some Triamcinolone on her skin when she needs it, give her a TEASPOON of BENADRYL daily, and I will see you in three months for a follow up.” REALLY? Is that all? Her skin was falling off and it’s weepy, bloody and oozing and all you can tell me is to put a toxic medication on this newborn baby? I asked if there was anything else that could be causing it…his response will forever be burned into my mind when he said to me “There is no use trying to figure out what is causing her problems…you will never find the answer, so why try?” What an idiot. It couldn’t be the formula she was drinking right? Or maybe something she was allergic to in the home? Why give her a whole teaspoon of Benadryl? When I asked about the amount of Benadryl he said “Well, try a teaspoon and if she passes out from it, just reduce the amount she needs.” OMG! I couldn’t believe the reckless advice he was giving me. I knew she was allergic to something, but we hadn’t taken her to the allergist yet to figure out what it was, and yet this doctor’s answer to my grand daughter’s problems was supposed to be solved by a tube of ointment and a bottle of Benadryl.

It took faithfully putting this toxic ointment on and loading her skin with Vaseline to keep her skin from drying out, three to four times a day to finally get the problem under control. Now her skin has a few patchy problems, but she is doing far better than in her ealy days of life. Was he right in the advice he gave? Yes and no! Sure the Triamcinolone cleared up symptoms and the Benadryl also helped with out breaks, but the man was crazy to tell me NOT to search for the cause of it in the first place. I guess that was how he stays in business huh?

These are the other problems that Simmi has had to endure, and to spare turning this particular blog entry into a novel, I will just give the highlights:

• Skin problems
• GERD
• Severe constipation
• Neurological problems
• Multiple food allergies (she is allergic to peanuts, milk, eggs, wheat and soy)
• Allergic to dust mites
• Sensitivities to latex and many different fruits (has tested negative for latex allergy)
• Problems eating and swallowing foods
• Sensory problems
• Diagnosed with a speech disorder
• Developmental delays

From the time that she was born until we moved to New Mexico, this child has suffered. When we lived in Maryland, Simmi was enrolled in an Early Intervention Program called Infants and Toddlers. Specialists come out to the home of a child, evaluating whether that child should receive help and sets up goals, giving parents or caregivers tips to help children reach developmental milestones. They felt that Simmi would benefit from this program and we had a physical therapist, occupational therapist and a special teacher help her to walk, use her hands better and to try to get her interested in discovering what a toy can do. Simmi wasn’t interested in toys very much. She was more interested in wandering around once she learned how to walk. She made very nice progress by the time we were set to move to our new home.

When we moved to NM, there were some changes that happened almost immediately. She began to say some words. This totally amazed us all, because she had been diagnosed with a speech disorder just a few months earlier. There is SO much more to her story, and in time to come I will add more entries about the different aspects to her care. For now, I would like this to be an introductory of sorts. Simmi has become affectionate, which is another first for us. Speaking, singing and affection…what an awesome gift! She has taken a bash at singing and while she can’t pronounce the words correctly, she has the melody of certain songs down pat! To have her look us in the eyes and smile or come to us and want a hug or to give a kiss is so beautiful. I believe that many (if not all) of her medical problems are tied to the mold problem that we had in our previous home. We are hoping that her eyesight will improve also over the next few weeks.

While she still has problems with her walking, and sometimes using her hands, she is getting better at using her hands and manipulating objects. She has taken an interest in two new toys and is consistently playing with them and trying to discover what they do. Here are some pictures I took with my phone…they aren’t the best quality…but good enough! LOL

After clipping Simmi’s toe nails she became curious about the nail clipper, and I never thought she would sit and try to figure out how to use it! At first she fumbled with it, and then turned the top portion, and actually tried to mimic clipping her toe nails.

I started to cry when I saw her actually manipulate the nail clipper. I am so proud of the progress that she in now making.

We got her one of those push toys that pops the balls and makes noise and she walks around with it constantly now. She usually has to have something in both hands, but I am enjoying the fact that she has taken an interest in a new toy.

There are a lot of things that she still needs help with, but I am hoping that our time out here away from the mold will help her to catch up. In the meantime we are eating her up, and enjoying the love that she is beginning to express to other members of the family. I wonder how she feels inside?

Santa Gives Me the Creeps!

I have tried to be a good sport at Christmas but I could never get past the whole Santa fascination. I don’t understand why this fat man in a bright red suit should take credit for all the money we spend for gifts at Christmas time. Come on now folks, am I the only one that sees that Santa is trying to steal my thunder? Why should he be praised, revered, respected and feared? HE DOESN’T EVEN EXIST! Why do parents teach their children to believe in this creepy figure? Is he the role model I want my children to emulate? What are his values? Santa doesn’t have any values. If he did, he wouldn’t be telling parents to make their children believe in him. So value number one with Santa is “lie to your children.” Santa would have you string your children along for six or seven years until someone like one of my kids comes along and blows the whistle! Then you’re screwed, because your children just found out that you are a liar! Now, don’t go blaming my kids because you chose to lie to yours. I never taught my kids to believe in the fat man. It wasn’t easy dealing with them either at Christmas time! My daughter Gina used to beg me to just “let her believe in Santa” because if we said we were sorry to him and believed hard enough, he would come to our house and give really nice gifts. She wasn’t satisfied with Hanukkah gelt and dreidel spinning. Little chocolate coins weren’t enough for her and neither was getting one gift each night for eight nights. Over the years, we got a Christmas tree, lights, presents and all the pretty decorations for the house. But I drew the line with Santa. I even allowed Santa figurines and ornaments to be displayed. My daughter Shoshannah used to call Santa “Papa.” I swear it seams to be encoded in a child’s DNA to utter the word “Santa” in November and December. I was a good Jewish mother, baking Christmas cookies, wrapping gifts and getting ready for Hanukkah. I saw no harm in lighting up our house and letting the kids have some fun. Here is a picture from the “good ol’ days” when my two oldest girls were just five and seven years old. Gina is on the left and Hannah is on the right.

Looking at this picture, is it any wonder Gina was asking for Santa to come and bring her some “good gifts?” She cried and begged all the time for Santa to come, yet Santa creeped my kids out too! You should have seen them in the mall. We were shopping, and my kids just looked terrified at the thought of sitting on Santa’s lap. AND HELL NO, I would never have attempted to put them on his lap in the first place! That creeps me out even more.

Value #2 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to eat milk and cookies all the time day and night. When was the last time you saw Santa sitting down to a nice salad or bowl of fruit?

Value #3 that Santa teaches children…it’s perfectly normal to be shouting “Ho Ho Ho.” What is that, some sort of inside joke? Is he calling children around the world whores? That wouldn’t be too far from the truth though would it! Think about it, what is the job of a hooker? She performs and then she gets paid. Is it any different for children at Christmas time? What do parents around the world say to their kids? “If you aren’t good, Santa isn’t gonna bring you gifts this year! Now stop whining and go clean up your room.” In other words, they put out and then they get paid!

Value #4 that Santa teaches children…get someone else to do your dirty work, and then take all the credit! Is Santa hard at work making toys and wrapping them with loving care? NO, he gets his slaves to do it. Elves do all the work, and he also gets parents to relinquish the joy of giving to their children and saying it was was from Mom and Dad. I wonder how he pulled that one off!

Value #5 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to be cruel to animals. Did you really think that Rudolf’s nose was red because he was “special?” Santa has been abusing Rudolf for a long time and to make matters worse, he didn’t even care when the other reindeer picked on him. Rudolf was so scared of Santa’s rage, that he never told a soul that Santa beat him daily. He just kept telling the other Reindeer that he fell down the stairs.

Value #6 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to live in isolation out in the middle of no where, shacked up with a woman, a bunch of slaves and some animals. Where is Santa’s family? Does he even have any? A mother or father…maybe some sisters or brothers? How about neigbors? What the hell does Santa do all year long? We know he doesn’t make toys, and he only works once a year, which leads us to…

Value #7 that Santa teaches children…it’s ok to only work one day a year! Wouldn’t it be great if we all only worked one day a year?

I don’t know about you, but I sure am glad that I never allowed Santa to be a role model to my kids. I want my kids to be upstanding members of society not liars, fat gluttons, whores, animal abusers, hermits or lazy assed unemployed people that only work one day during the holiday season just so they can get a discount.

Christmas is coming once again, and what a beautiful time to tell your children what a blessing they are no matter what they do…for good or bad. Children are a joy and they should know that they are loved and appreciated by us as parents. Will children really be missing out on “the magic of Christmas” if there is no Santa? I don’t think so. The wonder of Christmas will still be there for them, and it will be so special because every gift was thoughtfully wrapped by mom and dad.

The Grapefruit

The Grapefruit

Written by my son Noah

Pluck! The bright yellow/orange grapefruit fell into my hand.When the outside covering was stripped from the grapefruit a smell of sweet and sour citrus permeated the air. When I opened it, a dazzling pinkish color caught my eye.Its mouth-watering pulp falling down into the water.This pulp was so delicate, that if you touched it, it would most likely burst out with water.

The grapefruit tasted as if it were candy. It was so fresh and fragile that if a baby touched it, a stream of water would spurt out. It tasted like the smell, sweet and sour at the same time. The outside protective skin was just the opposite. It was bitter. Like a cherry that had not yet rippened. Although it tasted foul, it felt smooth with only a few dents in it. On the inside of the grapefruit was the white puffy skin. Just like an orange. This skin felt a little different. It was half smooth and half rough. And before I knew it, the grapefruit had vanished into my mouth.

New Mexico is My Lover in Disguise!

We arrived in New Mexico on December 12th and I had this overwhelming feeling that I was going to hate living here. I have seen the pictures, done the research, checked out the different cultures online and spoken to many people who have seen and experienced New Mexico first hand. There wasn’t a single person I spoke to who said “I hate New Mexico, and I wouldn’t go back there if you paid me all the money in the world!” I couldn’t understand what was so captivating to these people while listening to their words and stories…I pondered the word pictures they painted for me and tried to imagine the beauty they were explaining.

After leaving the Albuquerque Airport, I didn’t want to look around too much for fear of being even more disappointed than I had already set myself up to be and looking at the reaction from my children, my heart began to sink. We took a shuttle bus to pick up our rental car, and my eyes began to wander a little, taking little glances here and there at the landscape. I thought to myself, “Yup! That’s what I thought…dirt, flat plains, no life.” My heart was breaking in those moments and I did all I could to keep myself from crying. But something happened as we traveled north towards the city! We made a left turn and there staring us in the face was this huge imposing mountain! I saw pictures of the Sandia Mountains but nothing could have prepared me for seeing them in all their glory. I was speechless, awestruck and totally captivated by what I was witnessing. My son gasped with his jaw dropped wide, picked up his cell phone to call his friend in Maryland to tell him all about this enormous mountain. I still lack the proper words to describe this magnificent mountain.

I still wasn’t convinced this was a place I would fall in love with, but seeing the mountains gave me a glimmer of hope that I could enjoy my new state. I wasn’t ready to venture out and see the land yet, so we stuck with the major roads and checked out all the different neighborhoods. There was comfort in traveling the streets because the buildings and houses blocked my view of seeing flat desert land. As we drove north west towards our new home, we noticed that if we looked to our left on Route 40 all we saw was the desert BUT if we looked to the right we saw the mountains…of course I only looked to the right!

Today I decided that it was time to take the bull by the horns and just get out there and drive north to Santa Fe. Most of the early morning I was procrastinating and finding excuses of why we couldn’t take our first trip up to Santa Fe, but the kids were getting antsy so we jumped in the car and made our way north. My daughter Shoshie who is 13 years old kept making this same comment from the time we left the airport through today…she said “Mom, why is it so peaceful here? Do you feel it?” When she first made that statement, I did feel it amidst my inner turmoil, but she kept saying it everyday and as we left Albuquerque heading north, I let go of my fear and felt that peace, embracing it fully.

I’m sure that going south is a completely different experience, but what I noticed as we left Albuquerque traveling north, were all the hills and valleys. It wasn’t lifeless or barren, it was beautiful rich terrain with what looked like perfectly placed evergreen bushes that peppered the hills. Everywhere we looked we saw these lovely hills that dipped down and converged with other hills. It was simply surreal. I loved the way the light hit the hills, casting shadows and creating depth and movement. I loved the hues of browns and reds and how the light created purples and blues off in the distance. At times I could barely catch my breath and I was speechless…beside myself with wonderment.

I find myself becoming captivated and I am beginning to understand what so many tried to explain to me. Pictures can never do New Mexico justice…it is a place that must be experienced to be appreciated.

I never knew that the desert could produce such beauty. Delicate flowers growing wild and entertaining my senses.

New Mexico is also NOT all desert! The more north you go, the more trees there are. I think I’m falling in love!

So now that I have experienced one week in my new land, I have to say that my heart has softened. I do see beauty and life here. Have you ever met a person that at first “wasn’t your type” but as you got to know them you opened your heart and let them in to your world? It’s the person that you never expected to be the man/woman of your dreams and yet for some reason you are drawn to them? As you get to know the person and they open up and show you their world, they begin to ignite passion and feelings that you never felt before…well that is how I feel about this place! New Mexico is not what I expected, and although it is definitely not my type of land to live in, I feel a sense of peace and passion. It’s strange but true. I am discovering that New Mexico is erotic as well. I never thought a land could be sexy, but here I am strangely aroused. I think New Mexico is my Lover in disguise.

Obama’s Gateway Drug

What’s the deal and all the hype about Barack Obama smoking? Why is this such a big problem to anyone? I can understand the risks smoking can cause to some people, but does that mean we should dictate to our new president what he can and can not do in his own home? Is this “Operation Nanny State?” I never got the memo that smoking cigarettes was against the law! When did that happen? How long have I been asleep?

If smoking is President Elect Obama’s only vice, I’d say he’s doing pretty damn good! Especially since “W” had to quit drinking! There is a big difference between drinking and smoking, don’t you think? Do you think that “W” slipped up and knocked back a few strong ones while he had to make decisions about foreign and domestic policy? Maybe that’s what happened! Maybe President Bush fell off the wagon for a while, and in a drunken stupor wrote the “Bush Doctrine,” and when he woke up from his blackout, said “I did what?”

So what is everyone afraid of? Are cigarettes the new presidential “gateway drug?” If he starts smoking again, is he just a short step or two from purchasing a bong, hanging out in the Oval Office with Rahm Emanuel while watching “Harold and Kumar; Escape from Guantanamo Bay” to get ideas on how to shut that place shut down? Will he tell Michelle to get him and Rahm some Doritos and pizza and make a late night beer run? And since cigarettes can be a gateway drug, does the next logical step mean Obama would set up a meth lab in his new house and start dealing to the secret service, children and pregnant women? I think people need to get a life! Smoking is not illegal, so why treat him as though it were? Maybe people need something to pick on…especially people who don’t smoke. I was on a few other sites and I read the story about how Obama quit smoking but had a few slip ups, and I was amazed at the people who left comments. One person said, “yeah, he should quit smoking because it’s disgusting to kiss someone that has just smoked a cigarette.” Huh? Was this man planning on kicking up some kind of midnight rendezvous with the new president and his desire was for Obama’s mouth to be “minty fresh?” Others had more heartfelt concerns, such as “I hope he stays healthy and doesn’t start smoking again, for the sake of his family.” That makes sense to me, but it doesn’t mean people should dictate what he does within the dynamics of his family life.

I wonder if people are afraid of the kind of message it sends to the youth of this country. Maybe the fear is that if young people see President Obama is smoking, then that means it’s ok for them to smoke too. Do you think that could be it? Could it be smoking cigarettes would tempt young boys and girls to “light up” and be like their president? Do you think they would feel it was “so cool” they run out and ask an 18 year old to buy them some? Or perhaps go into their parent’s room and steal a couple? (Remember, research suggests that cigarettes are a gateway drug!) And of course that leads children down the dark road of smoking pot, doing crack, tapping the vein for some heroin, and starting their very own meth enterprise from their parent’s basement. If that’s the case, then what shall we say about President Bush? What kind of influence has he had over our children? I can name a few…how about jumping to conclusions about people we don’t know a lot about because they may look and act differently than us. How about rushing to judgement before knowing all the facts, and causing heart ache to those families both here and abroad. What about torturing our enemies, and bending the rules to serve his own purpose? How about not listening to wise council? And does not learning to get along with others have any influence over our children? How about turning a blind eye to the poor and speaking on behalf of the ultra rich? Humm? I’d say this president has influenced our children in a lot of ways, and not for the good. Maybe Obama can do it better…even if he decides to light up again.

Tempting Fate

I’m tempting fate once again in my life as I begin to count down the days to when we move to New Mexico and I begin the long journey back to the raw food lifestyle. One of the most interesting things that I learned recently about NM is that only one hour away is The Ann Wigmore Foundation. I didn’t know that it actually existed until I started doing research into the raw food community out there. Eight years ago I spent a month in Puerto Rico studying and being trained in the living foods lifestyle at The Ann Wigmore Institute, but I don’t recall them ever mentioning the Ann Wigmore Foundation in New Mexico…but I was so messed up back then that they could have mentioned it and it just flew right over my head!

I have been dreaming of being raw again, and I can feel it coming ever stronger, pulling me back, tempting and teasing me to just have that one piece of fruit or salad. I don’t dare eat anything raw at this point when I am at home. Let me put it to you this way; if we left a coffee cup out over night that had some coffee, cream and sugar in it, by morning there would be a layer of mold on top! That is how contaminated our home is, so eating raw foods of any kind in this house is something I won’t do.

These are some of my feelings on the raw and living food lifestyle for anyone that has already started their journey or is thinking of transitioning:

In the raw world you will get many opinions, claims and “facts.” But the raw and living food diet is not a “one size fits all” diet. Before jumping in to it you must know your own body, what you need personally as far as nutrients are concerned, and how best to utilize this diet to get the optimal results…longevity, clarity and physical and emotional balance.

Some will say “only eat organic”, but how demineralized is the soil that the fruits and vegetables are grown in? This is a very important question when considering the raw food lifestyle. Are you going to be aware of where your food is grown? Will you be in touch with the local farmer to find out if his soil is mineralized? If the soil is depleted, those rawfoods do not carry all the minerals our bodies need to be vibrant and healthy.  Where does our food come from? These are the questions to ask ourselves when embarking on the raw food journey. If you’re not willing to do the homework, discover what is best for your body, and just shove nuts down your throat because they are the fastest way to end hunger or out of some sort of “fear” that you aren’t getting enough protein, then you are better off taking a very slow transition into raw foods until you get your priorities in order.
I haven’t met many successful rawfoodist, NOT because the raw food lifestyle doesn’t work, but because these people weren’t thinking for themselves about how their body worked or what their body needed. They held tight to ideology and dogma and refused to listen to the wisdom of their own bodies screaming out.
I have seen them hoovering over lovingly prepared meals at raw food potlucks and get togethers, gobbling everything up in site without properly chewing the food or taking moderate portions. They gravitated towards heavy nut sauces, nut cheeses, oily treats and gourmet raw foods. Salads were often left untouched as well as fresh fruit displays unless there was some sort of heavy dipping sauce to compliment it. Although their diet had changed, their core eating habits had not.

We can grapple over what to eat and what not to eat, but there is so much more to being raw than just food. It is a way of life, a way of being. We can rush into it unconsciously and make the same mistakes we did when we ate a regular conventional diet and end up even more unhealthy then when we first started.

Educate yourselves first on all things raw, and understand the commitment that is involved. Be honest about what you are walking away from and what you are now embracing and be incredibly gentle with yourself, taking your time to transition slowly.
If you are suffering from a bad detox because you went “balls to the wall” full force into the raw food diet, cut back on the amount of fruits your are taking in and switch to green drinks and more dark green leafy foods. Raw nuts can help to slow down the effects of a detox, but make sure you know where your nuts are coming from. Nuts will be more readily digestible if they are soaked and sprouted first, and then blended and strained. And everything should be done ultimately in moderation.

For myself, I walked away from the raw food lifestyle a few years ago when I thought it was causing the health problems I currently have. I have been doing research and planning the time when I can safely return back to the raw food lifestyle. It takes time to plan and to also “undo” many of the habits that I have allowed to take over in my life. I look forward to a time very soon when I can transition according to my own body’s needs with commitment not only to the lifestyle but to myself as well, because the results that I have had being raw can not compare with any other time in my life.

Beggars Can’t be Choosers…Right?

A friend of mine has been asking me to tell her what I need since we have lost everything due to our mold issue. Then another friend did the same, and was trying to encourage me to put a list together of what my family needs. I felt completely vulnerable (still do) about expressing our needs, and over the last few days, I decided to actually make a list. When I first started the list, I got about part of the way through, and looked at how massive it was…got scared and deleted the post that I was working on. I felt foolish making this list because there is a part of me that still believes the old saying “Beggars Can’t be Choosers.” I grappled with the idea of creating a “wish list” registry that all our family and friends can view to cut down on my own personal awkwardness around explaining what we need, but plowed through those feelings and actually signed up at Amazon.com and created my “Wish List” there. I have been busy compiling my list, and as I do so, my stomach is twisted and turning in anxiety over actually picking things out that we need replaced for a new home. I feel gnawed to the core at the reality of the situation and filled with a sadness that we won’t be able to get all these things.

When my kids came home from school yesterday, they saw me compiling my list online and they wanted to be included in the process. Together we looked at the things they needed, and I could see this glimmer of hope and joy in their eyes, as if they were seeing some sort of relief, and I didn’t know how to explain that this is our “wish list” but it doesn’t mean that we are going to get everything right away.  I didn’t want their expectations to take over and in the end be even more crushed. We have lost everything, and we had to make some very difficult decisions for the sake of our health and well being not to take a single thing with us. We have been through this one time before, and it really doesn’t get any easier when if it happens again…especially with children. It hurts me to the core to need to get rid of all the things that they hold dear, but our health trumps all else in this case.

Another part of the dilemma I had with creating a list was having others look at that list and say “What? Do they really need that?” LOL To put a list out there is to open myself and my family up to the judgements of others. I found myself sitting at the computer, going through furniture, household items, exact items the children are upset about losing…like their computers, musical instruments, cell phones, video games, and other things that they may have gotten at Christmas or on their birthday and shrinking back from putting those things on the list and looking for cheaper items.

Our needs are so great, the list is extensive…and I haven’t even finished completing it. It will take me another day or two to finish it and then to post it for family and friends. I pray I have the strength to post it, and that for my family’s sake, I don’t back out at the last moment because I fear the judgement of others. I have even thought of posting the information to this blog site, but I haven’t made a decision yet about it.

We bumped up our move to December 12th because of the mold test results. We are renting a temporary home that is fully furnished until we find an area in New Mexico that we like and then ultimately find a home that we can settle into.

Our Mold Infested Home!

Two weeks ago we had our home tested for mold by a Mold Specialist because I am highly allergic to certain types of mold which can trigger my auto-immune disorder. When my system is triggered, I suffer irreversible hair loss as well as neurological problems. We knew we had mold even though it wasn’t detectable by smell, because I started suffering again with hair loss and tremors as well as going numb and not being able to move sometimes. My husband goes ripping through the house like a mad man looking for hidden mold and he found the mother load! Mold was colonizing in the air conditioner/furnace room. We just got the air conditioner fixed because it crapped out on us one very hot day this past July. After having it fixed we didn’t realize that condensation was building once again and mold was forming. This happened last year as well and we had to have the walls and carpet ripped out and replaced.

At most, I thought the mold problem was isolated to me alone, but there was a series of events that have caused us to go back and recount the illnesses not only of my husband and children, but to my grand daughter as well.

My grand daughter in is only 17 months old and has a long list of medical problems which involve her development, neurological system, gastrointestinal system and her skin. She still can not speak or say any words. There is a lot more to her story which I will save for another time. But for now, knowing the amounts of mold we have as well as the concentration levels may hold the key to her many medical problems.

Here is a list of the molds present in our home:

1. Agrocybe/Coprinus
2. Alternaria
3. Ascospores
4. Aspergillus/Penicillium (the highest percentage of 65%)
5. Basidiospores
6. Chaetomium
7. Cladosporium
8. Epicoccum
9. Stachybotrys (black toxic mold)
10. Pithomyces

I am allergic to five on this list, but what is most concerning to us is the high concentration of Aspergillus, Cladosporium, Chaetomium and also the toxic black mold. Stachybotrys (toxic mold) does not usually become airborne. It colonizes where it is (non-airborne) unless it is disturbed or dried out, then the spores shoot into the air, contaminating everything it lands on. My husband is highly allergic to Aspergillus/Penicillium, which explains the hair loss on his head, in his eyebrows and his chest hair. He also has other health concerns that he just chalked up to being achy from work. Now we have cause to reconsider.

Stachybotrys can be safely removed by a mold remediation specialist IF it is intact and has not become airborne, but once it does become airborne, according to a few specialists “It’s all over!” The mold specialist who took the air samples of our home said that in all the time that he has tested different sites, he has NEVER seen such high amounts of Stachybotrys airborne!

So what does it all mean for our family? Since we already knew there was mold I was allergic to in our current home, we had planned to give away or sell our things because only I was allergic to it and then move out west to New Mexico with just our clothing. But since we just found out today that we have toxic mold, we have to throw EVERYTHING away! That’s right, everything, including our clothes. Nothing can go with us, or given to relatives for storage, or sold, because of the contamination. If the toxic mold was not airborne, in theory could take our stuff, but it still poses a threat to our health because of the nine other molds and we run the risk of contaminating a new home, starting the process all over again. It’s like losing everything in a fire. All the things I held precious, like my father’s original artwork, my art that I held onto since I was nine years old, all my children’s art, photographs, important documents, books that I treasure, things I have made my children…all gone. We have to start all over.

The following is a list of symptoms related to toxic mold, and the information I list is from http://www.mold-survivor.com/symptoms.html

• Fibromyalgia/mps (and several correlated symptoms)
  
• Respiratory distress, coughing, sneezing, sinusitis
  
• Difficulty swallowing, choking, spitting up (vomiting) mucous
  
• Hypersensitivity pneumonitis
• Burning in the throat and lungs (similar to acid reflux and often misdiagnosed as such)
• Asthmatic signs; wheezing, shortness in breath, coughing, burning in lungs, etc.
• Irritable bowel syndrome, nausea, diarrhea, sharp abdominal pains, stomach lesions

Bladder, liver, spleen, or kidney pain

• Dark or painful urine
• Dirt-like taste in mouth, coated tongue
• Food allergies/leaky gut syndrome/altered immunity
• Memory loss; brain fog, slurred speech, occasionally leading to dementia
• Vision problems
• Swollen lymph nodes
• Large boils on neck (often a sign of

anaphylaxis)

• Yellowing of nails, ridges, or white marks under nail
• Thyroid irregularities, sometimes leading to complete dysfunction; adrenal problems
• Headaches
• Anxiety/depression, heart palpitations - confusion,

PTSD

• Extreme blood pressure, cholesterol, or triglycerides irregularities
• Ringing in ears, balance problems (very common), dizziness, loss of hearing (aspergillus niger)
• Chronic fatigue (also included under this classification directional confusion)
• Intermittent face flushing; almost always systemic, Called the Mylar Flush (neurological))
• Night head sweats, and drooling while sleeping, profuse sweating
• Multiple chemical sensitivity; only upon exposure to Stachybotrys and Chaetomium
• Nose bleeds (stachybotrys)
• 
  

Bruising/scarring easily; rash or hives, bloody lesions all over the skin (Often systemic, see images; skin)

• Reproductive system complications; infertility, changes in menstrual cycles, miscarriage
• Sudden weight changes (Detoxifier genotypes tend to gain weight, non-detoxifier genotypes tend to lose weight)
• Cancer
• Hair loss, very brittle nails, temporary loss of fingerprints (in rare cases)
• Joint/muscle stiffness and pain
• Irregular heart beat/heart attack
• Seizures, inadvertent body jerking, twitching, inadvertent facial movements or numbness in face
• Hypersensitivity when re-exposed to molds, which can lead to anaphylaxis
• Anaphylaxis upon re-exposure to mycotoxin producing molds
• Death, in extreme cases

This was incredibly long, but I feel it is so important not to mess with mold. If you feel your home has mold problems, please get it checked out.

Here are some helpful links about mold and mold exposure:

http://www.mold-help.org/