Self Acceptance is a Hard Mistress

I always think of self-acceptance as a “Hard Mistress” if I am not married to it. In our lives during the times of hair loss, we may “mess around” with self-acceptance, but never fully commit to it. This makes self-acceptance a mistress instead a life long lover and partner. We make self-acceptance a temptress, seductive and alluring, but always some how just beyond our reach, calling on her when we are bored with what we have chosen to “marry” and be our life long partner.

I, like so many other people out there chose to “marry” the acceptance that the world and society said was right for me. She was that perfect beauty, ageless, flawless, always fun, carefree and rich. I chose her because everyone around me told me that she was worth it, and that I would be happy if I espoused her and embraced her. But on my wedding night I found that she was not at all what everyone told me she would be. She was cruel, harsh, demanding and full of contempt for my imperfections. She was impatient with my frailties and found them to be totally unacceptable. She mocked me for not looking like the “beautiful people” and said I was less than worthy when I needed her most. Her love for me was based only on what I could give her and how I could make her feel and she gave nothing in return. Her love was an illusion and her beauty faded. I began to avoid her, isolating myself and retreating from all her friends. I feared rejection from her so I kept trying to please her!
But along came this mistress called self-acceptance. She could look deep within my soul and see me for who I was. She had a way of making me feel so special and when I was with her time stood still. She was wise, caring and knew me so completely. When I gazed upon her, it aroused me to be a better person, filled with passion, drive, courage, and life. But she wanted more than I was willing to give and I wasn’t willing to leave the one I married. Feeling hurt, my mistress retreated and hid from me. One day I was filled with jealousy because I saw her with another lover! What could I do to have her back? How do I tell her that she means more to me than the one I chose to marry?

Shall I go home to the one I married, miserable and defeated? Or shall I find my mistress and take her once again and make a committment to love her and adore her…to cherish her and show her just how much she means to me.
She will accept nothing less than that, and that is why she is such a Hard Mistress.

I Need a Make Over!

Ever since I shaved my head I have been dreaming of giving myself a make over. The problem is that I don’t know what I want!

I feel like my hair helped create the style that I often wore and now that my hair is gone, that style no longer looks right! Well, to be honest, it never looked right anyway because I was always in “mommy attire,” frumped out in old stained tee-shirts and jeans that just don’t look right. Now, I don’t have “mom” jeans, but I used to, so at least I am not stuck in the 80’s wearing the kind of jeans that come so high up the waist that they choke me.

Being bald, I can truly have so many looks that are really sleek and sophisticated or low key and comfortable. I want to be in the middle somewhere and able to swing to the left or to the right if my mood strikes! My other problem is the amount of weight I carry. I definitely need to lose weight, so my temptation to purchase new clothing and accessories, gets pushed to the wayside. I should just do it, but I don’t like the way a lot of the clothes look on me at the moment. A very generous friend gave me a huge box of clothes that didn’t fit her anymore, and I have been looking through them trying to put some outfits together. It really helped to have another style different than my own to see that I can look good in different types of clothes…it boosted my self confidence a tad and for that I am so grateful!

Santa Fe or Albuquerque?

Our family is relocating to New Mexico and we are having a hard time deciding where to move to. I see so many benefits to living in Albuquerque and yet I am drawn to Santa Fe.

We have heard mixed reviews about both places and the fact that we have children only makes it that much more difficult to make a decision. I have heard that ABQ has great schools and a great health care system and that Santa Fe does not. I would love opinions from those who live in both of these cities to let me know what you think of the school systems and health care system.

I have heard St. Vincent’s Hospital referred to as “St. Victim’s” and that doesn’t evoke much confidence in my mind. But I also don’t want to go on a few small opinions. Those people may have just had a bad experience. I have had bad experiences in very good hospitals before, so I need more opinions I guess. It was also said that in Santa Fe, the school system isn’t so hot either….what does that mean?

I really like the thought of living in Santa Fe because I have heard about all the art and the beautiful mixing of cultures…this appeals to me but it has been reported also that it costs more to live there. I have heard mixed reviews about ABQ too, and I am really not sure what to do. In searching for a place in ABQ, I found that it has been just as expensive there as it is in Santa Fe. It’s not like we can just stay somewhere and explore NM…my kids need to go to school, and I want to make the choice of where we are going to live so we can register them and not have to move again. In ABQ, the Public Academy of Performing Arts is there, and my children really want to attend that school. It is for students 6th-12th grade. It is already going to be a big adjustment moving to a new state that we know little to nothing about, and I want to be as informed as I can to make this transition as smooth as possible.

To Shave or Not to Shave

What I Look For in a Hair Loss Support Site

Looking for a good support site is important, especially when it comes to the subject of hair loss. Hair loss takes a great emotional toll on those affected by it, and choosing a site that is supportive and helpful is an important part of the healing process emotionally.

Hair loss causes us to feel very vulnerable and alone, and when we begin to reach out to those who can perhaps answer some of our looming questions, it’s essential that we find a site or two that can feel like “home.”

So what does “Home” feel like? I don’t know about you, but “home” to me feels like comfort, patience, encouragement, peacefulness and love. It is the place that I can’t wait to go to because there are people there that love and care for me. It is a non-abusive “safe-haven” where I can be free to be myself without fear of rejection or ridicule. It is the same with finding a good hair loss support site. Whether it is a social network or a forum, here are some things I always look for:

1. The creators of the social network or forum are a positive force that do their best to welcome and provide me with answers the best that they can. No one is perfect nor do they have all the answers that I may seek, but they are there to support and listen to me and perhaps direct me to someone that can help.
2. The network or forum is not full of negative, abusive and demeaning comments from the administers or other members. This is SO important! We are all vulnerable at different times in our lives and there is nothing worse than hearing negative feedback about other members or even other websites that provide support to hair loss sufferers.
3. Who are the experts available on the site? Are there reputable doctors in the network or forum? If so, are they a part of a negative network or forum? A good doctor or specialist does NOT need to be on a negative and demeaning site. In my opinion, since their oath is “First do no harm,” that should be reflective in the site they choose to be a part of.
4. The network or forum will not hesitate to remove negative or abusive members from their site. I find this to be a great comfort because it shows me that they are looking out for me and others on the site.

My hope is that all hair loss sufferers will find the most positive and helpful information and support available to them to help them move forward with their lives. Listed on the right side of my blog are links to my favorites sites that I have found reflect what I look for in a social network, forum or hair loss information website.

Shh!!! I’m Hiding!

For five years I have looked at having alopecia as something to be ashamed or embarrassed of. I often felt that horrible feeling but never really explored what it meant to me personally. What was it exactly that I was so embarrassed of? Was it the loss of my hair? Maybe that was part of it, but that wasn’t all of it. Losing my hair was a big deal, but does that mean I was vain? At the time I thought so. I hid it away, where it sat and festered like an angry boil, hot and throbbing…I began to hate myself for thinking I was vain. Loathing the very idea, that, as someone who has never cared about the appearances of others’, I couldn’t stand to look at myself. How did that happen? Was God bringing me through some test to reveal hidden vanity? I searched my soul, and yet I couldn’t repent. Was I in denial? I have always loved who I am, but now, my world was rocked by this fear that I was in fact vain! Why couldn’t I repent? I searched some more, and realised that it wasn’t vanity…it was my hiding.
I have always believed in being who I was no matter what. I cared very little whether people accepted me based on my looks, personality, spirituality or mental ability. But I became duplicitous. I became a false witness unto myself, and decieved everyone around me.
I repented before God for my duplicitousness and the shame and embarrassment melted away.
So where do I go from here?
I have read through many comments and blogs, and some of the things that I have gleaned from this beautiful Alopecian family of mine, is that many wish they could “come out.” They have hoped for a way to let others know that they do not have cancer, and wished that they didn’t have to keep explaining to everyone that was curious. They longed for a way to be able to spot a fellow Alopecian in the crowd, just to send a smile or even be able to approach them. But how do we do that?
I believe there is a way. Isn’t it possible for us to tell others “I am an Alopecian?” Instead of always having to say “I have alopecia?”
As I was thinking of those two sayings, I realised that to say “I am an Alopecian” conveys a feeling of acceptance that “this is who I am physically.” And to say “I have alopecia”, well, it sounds like a it could be contagious. It leaves a feeling of fear with the person who may have never heard of it before. Words are powerful. They can hurt, but they can also heal.
Can we in some way legally make Alopecians yet another tribe of people? There are laws that are created for people with disabilities, sexual orientation, race, religion, and even animals. I know that all of us fit into many of these categories, but I think that the law should be revisited for Alopecians.
I believe that as Alopecians, we can be proud of the fact that we can blend into the world around us, and we can also stand out. It is our right. To tell others “I am an Alopecian”, is to inform them of two simple truths…first, that our hair falls out and sometimes grows back and second, that we change. It gives women and men the freedom to wear what feels most comfortable for them on their heads and it gives them the option to go aunatural if they want to. I think by saying to others “I am an Alopecian”, we are no longer trying to fit into their mold of perceived beauty, and we make it “normal” to blend or stand out whenever we feel like it.
This leads me to a question for all of you…
Would you be interested in adopting a symbol to represent the Alopecian? I would love to start an international campaign to not only to bring awareness to alopecia in its many forms, but also to be officially known as Alopecians. I would like to adopt the chameleon for the campaign, because we can blend or we can stand out! It could be a beautiful pin, a necklace or some sort of jewelry…a tee-shirt or symbol on a hat. Whatever you would like to wear, that can be identified by other Alopecians out there. How many suffer in silence? I think it can be a clever way for others to know…AND for us to find each other out there.
What do you think?
On a personal note, I feel really exposed right now. LOL I wanted to share my personal deep feelings, and I, in no way am saying that others that may have read my personal confession are just like me. My desire was to share where I came from, and where I want to go from here. But I can’t do it alone, nor do I want to.

Hair Loss Doesn’t Have to Hold Us Down!

So, what do you do when you begin to lose your hair? What happens when it starts to get so thin that it is not only noticeable to you but also to those around you? If we are feeling emotionally vulnerable because we feel ashamed of our hair loss, we can go into panic mode and just cover it up with a hat or scarf…but is that enough for you? Will that help you to move forward with your life despite losing your hair?

There are far more options available to us than ten or twenty years ago, and there is no reason for us to stay in panic mode for too long. With beautiful hats, scarves, wigs, hair systems, accessories and clothing, you can kick it up a notch and remake yourself. What kind of hair have you always wanted to have? What color? What style? We all do it…you know…wish we had someone else’s hair! When we have straight hair, we wish it was curly or wavy, when we have curly hair we wish we had straight hair. Blonde’s want to take a bash at being a brunette and brunettes would love to walk just one day in the shoes of a blond! Red heads usually love their hair, but then again EVERYONE LOVES THE WAY RED HAIR LOOKS! LOL

If you could remake yourself right now, what would you do? What would you wear? We spend so much time worried about what we can’t control, that we neglect and refuse to fix what we can control. We can get a chic new wig, wear some very stylish hats, buy new make up and accessories and become a diva if we choose to.

There is no reason for hair loss to hold us down. We can worry about our hair at home, but while we are out and about, we can look fabulous! The choice is ours and as Alopecians we have the right to not only change the way we look from one day to the next, we also have ability to blend in to our community or stand out.

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